This is kind of a weird title i know, but i can't think of a better one. It's been a while since i posted again. i'm not sure why so much time passes between my posts sometimes, i read the blogs i follow daily, and even comment now and then (shocking i know) but somehow i have trouble finding the time to post on my own.
Anyway, i really do have something i want to post about. As i have said in the past Daddy and i are into ageplay. Now, i know that ageplay squicks some people out, and i am not going to spend this post trying to defend ageplay as a whole, everyone has their own opinions and their own kinks, but it works for us. The thing is, lately i have found myself going deeper into the mindset of my little self. Let me explain. i am an adult, a grown woman, i hold down a responsible job, i drive a car, i interact in the real world. i know how to act like a reasonable adult. But lately at the strangest times, my little self will just come out and sometimes i am not even aware of it.
We first became aware of this on Christmas Day. Daddy and i were alone so He decided to take me out for a NICE dinner. We went to The Four Seasons Hotel, and it was extremely fancy. We had a great time, and are considering making this a yearly tradition, but i digress. We were sitting at the table eating our entree when i glanced out the window and saw a horse drawn carriage covered with christmas lights. It looked really pretty. Without any thought to it at all, i exclaimed "Daddy, Daddy look at that!" The weird part was i didn't even notice it, until Daddy said something to me later. i was mortified, luckily He thought it was cute and endearing etc. i asked if anyone had heard me and He said possibly, but He was so unconcerned about it i ended up letting it go.
The next time we noticed it was at the grocery store. We were having a normal, adult trip to the store. i needed to buy some toothpaste, so we went in the toothpaste aisle and suddenly i was a little girl showing Daddy the Hello Kitty toothbrush i had just spotted. He ended up buying it for me, but again said something about my little coming out to play. i am not sure why this happens, but it does. It has actually gotten to the point where on a couple of occasions Daddy has said, "I need you to be a big girl today" or "I need you to act like a grown up today" and when He says these things i do as i am told, although when whatever we are doing is over, i ask if i can go back to being His little girl.
The thing is, since we started activley participating in ageplay it has greatly improved our relationship. When we first got together i didn't even know what ageplay was, i barely knew what BDSM was, and where we lived there was no lifestlye, so i really didn't have anyone to talk to about things. Once we moved here however, we got invoved with a group of people and several of the submissives were littles. We figured out this was something we liked and started incorporating it into our lives. And as we have moved further into it, it has had a very positive impact on our relationship. It is not a matter of Him not holding me accountable for things or anything like that, He does. It just seems like we get along better and disagree less when our relationship works this way.
In other news, we still have a room mate, and she still thinks i submit to her too, which i don't, but Daddy has noticed it, and while we really haven't said anything to her about it, because we don't want to make waves, He has told me i don't have to do what she tells me to unless i choose to, and He allows me to vent when i need too.
i have decided to change jobs. i am currently still working at home and as much as i enjoy that, they have been piling more and more on us lately and they have unreasonable expectations about how much we need to finish in a day. The stress has been getting to all of us, so in the last two weeks i have been sending out resumes and going on interviews. i don't want to quit until i know i have a new job, but i have to think about my mental health too.
All in all, things are good, i am happy.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Nothing New
My life has been pretty boring lately. Of course boring isn't always a bad thing. Daddy and i are happy and i have been staying out of trouble, which makes me very happy. i have really been trying to follow my rules, and most importantly "not argue" and i think we both notice the change and it is paying off.
i am currently in the middle of being off for seven days. It is not exactly a vacation, it just worked out that i got this time off, but i am still feeling very relaxed and restful right now. Work has been very stressful lately, a lot of people have lost their jobs and there is talk that the company is planning to let more people go in the next few months. Add to that the fact that they are placing unreasonable demands on us, it starts to get to you. We are planning tomorrow to go to our friends farm for a few days. Last time we were there i got to feed the baby cows with a (very large) baby bottle. It was really cool. i grew up not exactly in the city, but certainly not on a farm, so the only animals i had contact with other than in the zoo were cats and dogs. So, spending time collecting eggs, feeding cows, and riding horses is new for me. Would i like to do it every day, probably not, but it is a nice change of pace now and then.
A couple of days ago my cat got out. She is an indoor cat, with no front claws, so her getting out was truly concerning. i am not sure when she got out, or even how. i have a feeling our room mate let her out at some point when she let her dog out. i was working, but i kept looking for her all over the house all day, trying to tell myself she couldn't really be outside. When i got off late that night, i went outside and searched for her, calling and looking for her. i couldn't find her anywhere. i got home and i was just sobbing. Daddy just held me trying to comfort me, but that was really not possible. Then our room mate came home and said she had just seen my cat under my car. i went out to the driveway and there she was soaking wet and shivering. i was so relieved. i have had her since she was six weeks old, and if anything happened to her i would be devastated. But after the fact i was just so touched about the way Daddy tried to comfort me. He is not crazy about my cat, but He did everything He could to make me feel better and reassure me that she would come back. Which thank Heavens, she did.
So, that's it. Nothing is really new, but life is good, i still have four days off of work, and i'm feeling great.
i am currently in the middle of being off for seven days. It is not exactly a vacation, it just worked out that i got this time off, but i am still feeling very relaxed and restful right now. Work has been very stressful lately, a lot of people have lost their jobs and there is talk that the company is planning to let more people go in the next few months. Add to that the fact that they are placing unreasonable demands on us, it starts to get to you. We are planning tomorrow to go to our friends farm for a few days. Last time we were there i got to feed the baby cows with a (very large) baby bottle. It was really cool. i grew up not exactly in the city, but certainly not on a farm, so the only animals i had contact with other than in the zoo were cats and dogs. So, spending time collecting eggs, feeding cows, and riding horses is new for me. Would i like to do it every day, probably not, but it is a nice change of pace now and then.
A couple of days ago my cat got out. She is an indoor cat, with no front claws, so her getting out was truly concerning. i am not sure when she got out, or even how. i have a feeling our room mate let her out at some point when she let her dog out. i was working, but i kept looking for her all over the house all day, trying to tell myself she couldn't really be outside. When i got off late that night, i went outside and searched for her, calling and looking for her. i couldn't find her anywhere. i got home and i was just sobbing. Daddy just held me trying to comfort me, but that was really not possible. Then our room mate came home and said she had just seen my cat under my car. i went out to the driveway and there she was soaking wet and shivering. i was so relieved. i have had her since she was six weeks old, and if anything happened to her i would be devastated. But after the fact i was just so touched about the way Daddy tried to comfort me. He is not crazy about my cat, but He did everything He could to make me feel better and reassure me that she would come back. Which thank Heavens, she did.
So, that's it. Nothing is really new, but life is good, i still have four days off of work, and i'm feeling great.
Monday, January 4, 2010
A Sad (but beautiful) Night
Two days before Christmas a very dear friend of ours died. He was a wonderful person and a pillar of the lifestyle community where we live. He and his wife/submissive had parties at their home every month, and they had the ability to make even the most terrified person (yes, i speak from experience) feel at ease. He seemed to like everyone and i didn't know any one who knew Him that didn't like Him.
So, Saturday night the community came together to honor Him. It was a heartwrinching evening. The tears flowed almost from the minute we got there. They had a slide show of pictures and people lined up to speak. There had to be at least 300 people in attendance.
Throughout this whole time, i have just felt so badly for His wife. That is a pain i just can not imagine. She sat by His bedside throughout His illness. This was a second marriage for both of them and they were so devoted to each other. i didn't know what to say to comfort her, all i could do was hug her hard.
As sad as this has been, i think there is a lesson here for all of us. Never take for granted what you have. Thank God each day for what you have and let go of the little things that don't matter. That is what i intend to do.
So, Saturday night the community came together to honor Him. It was a heartwrinching evening. The tears flowed almost from the minute we got there. They had a slide show of pictures and people lined up to speak. There had to be at least 300 people in attendance.
Throughout this whole time, i have just felt so badly for His wife. That is a pain i just can not imagine. She sat by His bedside throughout His illness. This was a second marriage for both of them and they were so devoted to each other. i didn't know what to say to comfort her, all i could do was hug her hard.
As sad as this has been, i think there is a lesson here for all of us. Never take for granted what you have. Thank God each day for what you have and let go of the little things that don't matter. That is what i intend to do.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's Been Quite a While
OK, i know it has been a long time since i have written anything. This is not because there has been nothing to say, but rather because things just get so hectic sometimes that i neglect the non-essential things. But, i think i need to make blogging into something that is essential because i find i feel more calm and focused when i get my feelings out.
When i started this blog, i guess i was a little self-centered, thinking i was going to be orginal, that no one but i would think of writing about TTWD for all the world to see. Boy, was i wrong. When i started out i was amazed by how many other blogs about submission, slavery, and BDSM were out there. Did this deter me? No. i decided to go with a blog that i felt would be educational for others who were just starting out on this path, or that were considering it, but hadn't decided yet if it was something they wanted to do. But, after a short time i found it to be so much more. Not only did i find blogs that i looked forward to reading every day, (and yes i have been reading them almost every day even though i rarely comment) but i found my blog was a safe place to talk about my feelings. Sometimes, just writing about them and knowing that someone is reading them is enough to make me feel better, like someone cares. And, when i get comments expressing support and compassion that is even better.
Things have gotten better since my last post. i want to thank everyone who commented. There was one comment that i tried to publish, but for some reason it didn't, so apologize to that person, i appreciate you taking the time to write. One day, shortly after i made that post i climbed up in Daddy's lap and just let all my feelings out. It was the first time we had talked like that in a long time. It was very helpful, and He told me that anytime i need to get my feelings out to Him, to just let Him know and He will make time for us to talk.
Tha's not to say that things are perfect, or a bed of roses. We still have days when i get frustrated or discouraged. i think (and this is just my opinion) that all submissives feel that way sometimes, but knowing that He is there and willing to listen to me helps. Our room mate is still here, and sometimes she is very, very demanding towards me. For some reason she feels that it is her God given right to tell me what to do. i usually do what she tells me to, that is the submissive in me, but i know at times i have been a little snotty about it. In Daddy's defense, He usually doesn't know about these things. So, while i know He would probably expect me to be respectful of her (she is a Domme after all) i think if He were more aware of it, He might say something. For my part, i don't tell Him about it most of the time, because i don't want to cause waves. There was one day when i got scolded by both of them for the same thing at different times, and when i told Daddy that i had already been yelled at about that He told me He didn't know that, and that truly the only one i always had to listen to was Him, the one i submit to.
So, it is a new year, and my only true resolution, (i am already working at weight loss, exercise, and eating better) is to be a better submissive. To listen, and do as i'm told, to express my feelings instead of holding them in and being passive/aggressive ("i'm fine" when it is clear that i'm upset about something) and to be far less argumentitive. i am going to blog more , and i'm going to go back to keeping a journal (i already bought one, it is purple with flowers and butterflies) because Daddy says that when i journal i write my true feelings. i have permission to write whatever i feel in my blog and my journal without fear of repercussion because they are for me, even though He often reads both. It is a way for Him as He puts it, to get in my head.
So, Happy New Year to all my blogger friends.
When i started this blog, i guess i was a little self-centered, thinking i was going to be orginal, that no one but i would think of writing about TTWD for all the world to see. Boy, was i wrong. When i started out i was amazed by how many other blogs about submission, slavery, and BDSM were out there. Did this deter me? No. i decided to go with a blog that i felt would be educational for others who were just starting out on this path, or that were considering it, but hadn't decided yet if it was something they wanted to do. But, after a short time i found it to be so much more. Not only did i find blogs that i looked forward to reading every day, (and yes i have been reading them almost every day even though i rarely comment) but i found my blog was a safe place to talk about my feelings. Sometimes, just writing about them and knowing that someone is reading them is enough to make me feel better, like someone cares. And, when i get comments expressing support and compassion that is even better.
Things have gotten better since my last post. i want to thank everyone who commented. There was one comment that i tried to publish, but for some reason it didn't, so apologize to that person, i appreciate you taking the time to write. One day, shortly after i made that post i climbed up in Daddy's lap and just let all my feelings out. It was the first time we had talked like that in a long time. It was very helpful, and He told me that anytime i need to get my feelings out to Him, to just let Him know and He will make time for us to talk.
Tha's not to say that things are perfect, or a bed of roses. We still have days when i get frustrated or discouraged. i think (and this is just my opinion) that all submissives feel that way sometimes, but knowing that He is there and willing to listen to me helps. Our room mate is still here, and sometimes she is very, very demanding towards me. For some reason she feels that it is her God given right to tell me what to do. i usually do what she tells me to, that is the submissive in me, but i know at times i have been a little snotty about it. In Daddy's defense, He usually doesn't know about these things. So, while i know He would probably expect me to be respectful of her (she is a Domme after all) i think if He were more aware of it, He might say something. For my part, i don't tell Him about it most of the time, because i don't want to cause waves. There was one day when i got scolded by both of them for the same thing at different times, and when i told Daddy that i had already been yelled at about that He told me He didn't know that, and that truly the only one i always had to listen to was Him, the one i submit to.
So, it is a new year, and my only true resolution, (i am already working at weight loss, exercise, and eating better) is to be a better submissive. To listen, and do as i'm told, to express my feelings instead of holding them in and being passive/aggressive ("i'm fine" when it is clear that i'm upset about something) and to be far less argumentitive. i am going to blog more , and i'm going to go back to keeping a journal (i already bought one, it is purple with flowers and butterflies) because Daddy says that when i journal i write my true feelings. i have permission to write whatever i feel in my blog and my journal without fear of repercussion because they are for me, even though He often reads both. It is a way for Him as He puts it, to get in my head.
So, Happy New Year to all my blogger friends.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Untitled.....Because i Don't Know What to Call It.
i'm feeling really churned up today. Warning, this post will probably be kind of whiny, but that's how i feel right now.
Thanksgiving was nice, we had friends over and of course our housemate and her mother were here also, so there were six of us altogether. We cooked for two days, and despite the fact that i tried to clean as we went along, and did i have no idea how many loads of dishes, we still ended up with a huge mess that i think i have finally gotten completely cleaned up. i think i am starting to feel slightly resentful. i don't have a problem with cleaning up after and serving Daddy, but lately i am starting to feel like i am serving two Doms. i knew that this might be a problem when we first decided to have her move in with us. i am not saying that she never helps, because she does, but she does as much as she wishes, and then makes comments to me about "finishing up the dishes" or "getting the kitchen cleaned up". These comments upset me. After i finished the last of the dishes this morning, she and Daddy had lunch and when i went into the kitchen, the sink was again full of dishes. And this is not the first time. Bad as it probably sounds, i am the only one in this household working at the moment, and yet i am still expected to do the bulk of the housework. There are days when the two of them will make something for them to eat......usually it is something i don't like or want, but they leave the mess for me to clean up. Is that right? Oh well.
Another thing that i am dealing with right now is harder to describe. i do, or let Daddy do things that i am not crazy about because they make Him happy. i know as a submissive that it is not all about me, it is supposed to be about Him, and it pleases me to make Daddy happy, but it seems like the more i give sexually, the less i get in the same arena. i've mentioned before that Daddy likes to do cutting. i am not thrilled about being cut, but i decided a while back to let Him cut me. There were two reasons for this, 1. It pleases Him and 2. He has informend me in no uncertain terms that if i don't let Him do the things He likes He will find others who will. He is not saying He will replace me, just that He will seek out others to play with that like the same things He does, but it is my choice to try and do the things that Daddy likes. So lately Daddy has been pushing the anal sex thing. This is something i absolutely hate. It is painful and does not excite me in the least. i will not cum from anal sex. He used to only do this now and then, but He has recently informed me that we will be doing this every time we have sex. And we have been. i am almost to the point where i can tolerate it without too much begging and crying, but knowing it is coming usually makes the rest of the sex less enjoyable, because i am preoccupied knowing what's next and it also feels like the vaginal sex is just kind of perfunctory, like if He gives me something i like that makes up for doing this thing i hate.
Last night Daddy was making a joke about women and oral sex, and i said something like, i wouldn't know, i hardly ever get it. This is true. Even though Daddy expects oral sex from me every time we have sex, i rarely receive oral sex even though i love it. So, i thought i had made my point, from what He said i thought okay cool, tonight. i took a shower and stayed up as late as i could, hoping He would be ready for bed soon. Finally i said i'm going to bed, hoping He would follow. Nope, nada, nothing. He came to bed a couple of hours later, but didn't even try. i felt completely blown off. So today has been pretty tense. i am sure He knows why i am upset, but He is basically ignoring me. i guess that as a submissive i am not supposed to have wants, needs, or expectations.
i love Daddy and i am sure that i will be back to myself soon. Maybe it is just the holidays, for some reason on Thanksgiving i was kind of weepy about not seeing my family, even though it has been about 3-4 years since i spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my family. Maybe it is the stress from work, last week we found out they were laying off 600+ employees with more lay offs to come after the first of the year. Maybe it is the loss of privacy with having someone else in our home. i don't know. i guess only time will tell.
Thanksgiving was nice, we had friends over and of course our housemate and her mother were here also, so there were six of us altogether. We cooked for two days, and despite the fact that i tried to clean as we went along, and did i have no idea how many loads of dishes, we still ended up with a huge mess that i think i have finally gotten completely cleaned up. i think i am starting to feel slightly resentful. i don't have a problem with cleaning up after and serving Daddy, but lately i am starting to feel like i am serving two Doms. i knew that this might be a problem when we first decided to have her move in with us. i am not saying that she never helps, because she does, but she does as much as she wishes, and then makes comments to me about "finishing up the dishes" or "getting the kitchen cleaned up". These comments upset me. After i finished the last of the dishes this morning, she and Daddy had lunch and when i went into the kitchen, the sink was again full of dishes. And this is not the first time. Bad as it probably sounds, i am the only one in this household working at the moment, and yet i am still expected to do the bulk of the housework. There are days when the two of them will make something for them to eat......usually it is something i don't like or want, but they leave the mess for me to clean up. Is that right? Oh well.
Another thing that i am dealing with right now is harder to describe. i do, or let Daddy do things that i am not crazy about because they make Him happy. i know as a submissive that it is not all about me, it is supposed to be about Him, and it pleases me to make Daddy happy, but it seems like the more i give sexually, the less i get in the same arena. i've mentioned before that Daddy likes to do cutting. i am not thrilled about being cut, but i decided a while back to let Him cut me. There were two reasons for this, 1. It pleases Him and 2. He has informend me in no uncertain terms that if i don't let Him do the things He likes He will find others who will. He is not saying He will replace me, just that He will seek out others to play with that like the same things He does, but it is my choice to try and do the things that Daddy likes. So lately Daddy has been pushing the anal sex thing. This is something i absolutely hate. It is painful and does not excite me in the least. i will not cum from anal sex. He used to only do this now and then, but He has recently informed me that we will be doing this every time we have sex. And we have been. i am almost to the point where i can tolerate it without too much begging and crying, but knowing it is coming usually makes the rest of the sex less enjoyable, because i am preoccupied knowing what's next and it also feels like the vaginal sex is just kind of perfunctory, like if He gives me something i like that makes up for doing this thing i hate.
Last night Daddy was making a joke about women and oral sex, and i said something like, i wouldn't know, i hardly ever get it. This is true. Even though Daddy expects oral sex from me every time we have sex, i rarely receive oral sex even though i love it. So, i thought i had made my point, from what He said i thought okay cool, tonight. i took a shower and stayed up as late as i could, hoping He would be ready for bed soon. Finally i said i'm going to bed, hoping He would follow. Nope, nada, nothing. He came to bed a couple of hours later, but didn't even try. i felt completely blown off. So today has been pretty tense. i am sure He knows why i am upset, but He is basically ignoring me. i guess that as a submissive i am not supposed to have wants, needs, or expectations.
i love Daddy and i am sure that i will be back to myself soon. Maybe it is just the holidays, for some reason on Thanksgiving i was kind of weepy about not seeing my family, even though it has been about 3-4 years since i spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my family. Maybe it is the stress from work, last week we found out they were laying off 600+ employees with more lay offs to come after the first of the year. Maybe it is the loss of privacy with having someone else in our home. i don't know. i guess only time will tell.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Requesting What You Need
i don't usually ask for spankings. That's not to say i fight them, not all the time anyway lol, but i usually don't initiate them. There are reasons for this, the biggest one being, i don't like to ask Daddy to spank me, i would rather He spank me because it is His idea. Another reason is that asking for a spanking seems too much like topping from the bottom. Also, i am really not a masochist or a pain slut. Some pain excites me, Daddy teases me because while i am yelling owe, i am getting soaking wet, but i don't usually ask for pain. This morning was different.
Work has been almost unbearably stressful for the past several weeks, and will probably get worse as we near the end of the year. As a result, i have been really moody and on edge lately. So, this morning Daddy and i were fooling around and when we got done He got up to go to the bathroom. When He came back into the bedroom, He found me on the floor and asked me what i was doing. i told Him i was looking for His belt. He asked me why, and i told Him i wanted Him to spank me with it. He seemed surprised, but was willing to give me what i needed.
He went and found a belt and had me lay on the bed. He let me choose the number of strokes i received and chicken that i am i chose a low number. Then He started, and well, He wasn't gentle. But afterward, i felt GREAT! It was just what i needed. It helped to center and ground me.
i know there are other submissives who enjoy "stress relief" spankings, and i have had this same reaction in the past the few other times i have been able to bring myself to request a spanking. i guess i need to start asking for what i need more often. Daddy is not a mind reader after all, though He often seems to know exactly what i need, i just feel shy about voicing these needs and also feel that it is not a very submissive thing to do.
So, what do you think? Is this topping from the bottom? Submissives, do any of you crave a spanking when you feel out of control? If so, do you ask your Master to give you what you need? And Dominants, do You think it is OK for Your submissive to request a spanking if she needs it, and will You give it to her if she does?
Well, i'm off to bed now. It has been a long day, and the next two are going to be even longer.
Work has been almost unbearably stressful for the past several weeks, and will probably get worse as we near the end of the year. As a result, i have been really moody and on edge lately. So, this morning Daddy and i were fooling around and when we got done He got up to go to the bathroom. When He came back into the bedroom, He found me on the floor and asked me what i was doing. i told Him i was looking for His belt. He asked me why, and i told Him i wanted Him to spank me with it. He seemed surprised, but was willing to give me what i needed.
He went and found a belt and had me lay on the bed. He let me choose the number of strokes i received and chicken that i am i chose a low number. Then He started, and well, He wasn't gentle. But afterward, i felt GREAT! It was just what i needed. It helped to center and ground me.
i know there are other submissives who enjoy "stress relief" spankings, and i have had this same reaction in the past the few other times i have been able to bring myself to request a spanking. i guess i need to start asking for what i need more often. Daddy is not a mind reader after all, though He often seems to know exactly what i need, i just feel shy about voicing these needs and also feel that it is not a very submissive thing to do.
So, what do you think? Is this topping from the bottom? Submissives, do any of you crave a spanking when you feel out of control? If so, do you ask your Master to give you what you need? And Dominants, do You think it is OK for Your submissive to request a spanking if she needs it, and will You give it to her if she does?
Well, i'm off to bed now. It has been a long day, and the next two are going to be even longer.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Punishment
Punishment can be a touchy subject for people in the lifestyle.There are some submissives, especially those who are new to BDSM who don't understand punishment. They feel they are adults and don't believe they should be punished like a child. There are Dominants that just don't like to punish, and then there is the argument about what form the punishment should take.
Punishment can take many forms, it can be physical such as spanking, or flogging, it can involve the withdrawal of privileges such as computer time, it can involve writing lines,or essays,or standing in the corner, some Doms even punish by denying their subissive their company, which i believe has got to be one of the harshest punishments any submissive can have to go through.
There are some people who say you can't punish a submissive who enjoys pain physically. i don't agree. For me when Daddy punishes me with spanking, which i will admit i like, it just feels different. i think it has to do with the fact that i know that i have disappointed or upset Daddy. That fact makes me feel bad before the punishment even starts. Daddy usually informs me that i will be receiving a punishment in advance, but He never says just when it will happen. This gives me time to think about what i have done to deserve this punishment, but it also gives me time to fret about it, which i think is actually part of the punishment.
The first time Daddy punished me i had a lot of mixed emotions. i knew ahead of time that i was going to be punished and i was dreading it. i was still new to the whole pain thing, so i was pretty nervous about that, and besides that i really didn't know what to expect. But, once it was over i felt this huge sense of relief. Not only did i feel relieved of the guilt caused by doing something wrong, but i realized that Daddy cared enough about me to punish me when i did something wrong, and that was the end of it. i also realized that He wasn't going to give up on me just because i had made a mistake. i don't enjoy punishment, but sometimes i need the relief it provides me with.
Some people say the worst punishment you can inflict upon a masochist is not giving them the pain the crave. Maybe that's true. i am not a true masochist. i like mild pain, but if it gets any heavier, that's not for me. Daddy has a couple of toys that He uses just for punishment.These are toys that He uses sparingly if it all when we play because they don't excite me. The worst one is they Dragon's Tail. i hate it. If Daddy uses that on me during play it takes me right out of my headspace. For this reason Daddy feels it is the perfect punishment tool.
As i have said, i think the worst punishment a Dominant can bestow upon their submissive has got to be denying the sub of their company. Most submissives feel bad enough when they know they have upset their Dom, being denied His/Her company has to make that just so much worse.
i don't think most submissives enjoy punishment, whatever form it takes, but i think used properly, in a caring M/s D/s relationship, it can be a good tool. It can prevent small misunderstandings from becoming big problems. It can free the submissive from their feelings of guilt, and it can help the Dominant express their displeasure in a non-abusive, but concrete way.
Punishment can take many forms, it can be physical such as spanking, or flogging, it can involve the withdrawal of privileges such as computer time, it can involve writing lines,or essays,or standing in the corner, some Doms even punish by denying their subissive their company, which i believe has got to be one of the harshest punishments any submissive can have to go through.
There are some people who say you can't punish a submissive who enjoys pain physically. i don't agree. For me when Daddy punishes me with spanking, which i will admit i like, it just feels different. i think it has to do with the fact that i know that i have disappointed or upset Daddy. That fact makes me feel bad before the punishment even starts. Daddy usually informs me that i will be receiving a punishment in advance, but He never says just when it will happen. This gives me time to think about what i have done to deserve this punishment, but it also gives me time to fret about it, which i think is actually part of the punishment.
The first time Daddy punished me i had a lot of mixed emotions. i knew ahead of time that i was going to be punished and i was dreading it. i was still new to the whole pain thing, so i was pretty nervous about that, and besides that i really didn't know what to expect. But, once it was over i felt this huge sense of relief. Not only did i feel relieved of the guilt caused by doing something wrong, but i realized that Daddy cared enough about me to punish me when i did something wrong, and that was the end of it. i also realized that He wasn't going to give up on me just because i had made a mistake. i don't enjoy punishment, but sometimes i need the relief it provides me with.
Some people say the worst punishment you can inflict upon a masochist is not giving them the pain the crave. Maybe that's true. i am not a true masochist. i like mild pain, but if it gets any heavier, that's not for me. Daddy has a couple of toys that He uses just for punishment.These are toys that He uses sparingly if it all when we play because they don't excite me. The worst one is they Dragon's Tail. i hate it. If Daddy uses that on me during play it takes me right out of my headspace. For this reason Daddy feels it is the perfect punishment tool.
As i have said, i think the worst punishment a Dominant can bestow upon their submissive has got to be denying the sub of their company. Most submissives feel bad enough when they know they have upset their Dom, being denied His/Her company has to make that just so much worse.
i don't think most submissives enjoy punishment, whatever form it takes, but i think used properly, in a caring M/s D/s relationship, it can be a good tool. It can prevent small misunderstandings from becoming big problems. It can free the submissive from their feelings of guilt, and it can help the Dominant express their displeasure in a non-abusive, but concrete way.
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Long Week is Almost Over
i can't wait!!! Daddy will be home some time tomorrow. Hooray! When He left last Saturday i didn't think i could handle being without Him for a week, but i made it through. i missed Him so much, but keeping busy helped.
Last Sunday i kept telling myself, you have stuff to do, get up, get dressed, go out and do it. But, i didn't. i couldn't. So, our new housemate made it easy for me. She told me to go get dressed, we were going out. And She wasn't taking no for an answer, i told you She was a Domme. So, we went out and did all my errands, and there was one day gone. i am so grateful to Her. She helped keep me busy at times when i might have just sat there doing nothing. She told me today that i handled Daddy being gone far better than She thought i would, i told Her that She deserved some of the credit for that.
So, now i'm off to bed, because i have to work in the morning, and we have a Halloween Party tomorrow night. It's going to be a long day, but i can't wait.
Last Sunday i kept telling myself, you have stuff to do, get up, get dressed, go out and do it. But, i didn't. i couldn't. So, our new housemate made it easy for me. She told me to go get dressed, we were going out. And She wasn't taking no for an answer, i told you She was a Domme. So, we went out and did all my errands, and there was one day gone. i am so grateful to Her. She helped keep me busy at times when i might have just sat there doing nothing. She told me today that i handled Daddy being gone far better than She thought i would, i told Her that She deserved some of the credit for that.
So, now i'm off to bed, because i have to work in the morning, and we have a Halloween Party tomorrow night. It's going to be a long day, but i can't wait.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Missing Daddy
Daddy just left on His trip to see His kids for their birthdays. He is going to be gone for a week, and i don't think i am going to survive. i know i probably sound like a spoiled brat, but we have never been apart like this before. Usually i go with Daddy when He goes to visit His family and friends, but this time i couldn't get off of work. So, i am stuck here for a week without Him. i actually cried when He left. i know He didn't leave me forever, it just seems like it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make the time pass a little faster?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Orgasm Control
i was reading through some blogs yesterday, and came across one about orgasm control and cumming on command. i was trying to find it tonight so i could cross reference it here, but i was unable to find it. It was a very well written piece, with a lot of scientific data, but what it didn't have was any anecdotal information. My views on the subject differ from the person who posted the blog i am talking about, and i have anecdotal examples from my life to share.
As i said, the blog in question was very well written, it discussed two main subjects, 1. The use of orgasm denial by Dominants, and 2. The ability of some female submissives to cum on command. The blogger discussed the fact that orgasm denial is a practice used by many D/s couples. The blogger and many people who commented on the blog had very negative feelings towards orgasm denial. Well, Daddy uses orgasm denial with me to some extent, and while i am not crazy about it, i do think it has it's purpose when used correctly.
Daddy told me on our first night together that i had to ask permission to cum. Well, that first night i did cum, and i didn't ask permission and i was punished (not harshly) but in my defense Daddy was the first person who ever truly made me cum. So, now i know when i am going to have an orgasm, and i ask permission. This requires me to be more aware of my body and my body's reaction to different kinds of stimulus, pain, pleasure, or pain becoming pleasure. For the record, He usually allows me to cum when i ask, although sometimes He will make me hold on, and will build my orgasms higher than the already are. My orgasms are usually better for having waited. There have been times when as a form of control, Daddy has denied me an orgasm. This is very difficult for me, and can become painful. Sometimes during this process, i will become stubborn and will myself not to feel anything. This takes every bit of concentration i have and can often be difficult if not impossible to maintain, especially if Daddy continues the stimulus. But, denials are rare, and they help me to remember that my body is not in control, Daddy is.
The second topic discussed in the blog i am talking about is cumming on command. This blogger, and again many of those who commented think that cumming on command is something that isn't real, and that those Dominants who believe they can teach their submissives to cum on command are dead wrong. Well, i don't have any scientific facts to provide, and i sure that not everyone who tries can do this. i would even imagine there are submissives who "fake" their orgasms to please their Doms. But i can assure you that cumming on command is something that is real, and there are submissives, like me, who can be taught to do it.
For me, i think part of the reason i am able to cum on command goes back to Daddy's control of my orgasms and the fact that i am more aware of my body and its reaction to different kinds of stimulus. When Daddy first started teaching me to cum on command, He would do something to me while i was cumming, like stroke my arm or my forehead lightly with His fingers. Therefore, my body assosciated these sensations with orgasming. So, when we were driving in the car or sitting at a restaurant and Daddy would lightly stroke my arm and say cum, my body would respond, as it had been conditioned to respond. This didn't happen all at once of course, it took time, but after a while, i found that the sensations were same and i would orgasm. After a while, all i needed was the word. Daddy can say "cum" anytime, anywhere and my body responds. My body is not in control in those situations, Daddy is.
i think another reason that Daddy was able to train me to cum on command is that i am very receptive to His energy. i have discussed this in a previous post, Daddy can transfer His energy to me. For those who don't believe this, trust me, it was a long time before i allowed myself to belive it and it was happening to MY body. Daddy can hold His hand above my body, never even touching me and i can feel the enrgy entering my body from His. i kept saying at first that it was all in my mind, that i saw His hand, but i soon discovered i could feel these same sensations when i didn't know He was doing it. Now i can be concentrating very intently on something and yet i know when He enters a room even though He doesn't make a sound.
There are those that know us that treat my ability to cum on command as a parlor trick, "Oh Sir make her cum, please make her cum..." and i am sure there are others who don't believe it is real, even if they don't say anything, but it's true. Daddy taught me to cum on command, and i truly think His ability to do so was, at least in part, related to Him taking control of my orgasms from the very begining of our relationship.
As i said, the blog in question was very well written, it discussed two main subjects, 1. The use of orgasm denial by Dominants, and 2. The ability of some female submissives to cum on command. The blogger discussed the fact that orgasm denial is a practice used by many D/s couples. The blogger and many people who commented on the blog had very negative feelings towards orgasm denial. Well, Daddy uses orgasm denial with me to some extent, and while i am not crazy about it, i do think it has it's purpose when used correctly.
Daddy told me on our first night together that i had to ask permission to cum. Well, that first night i did cum, and i didn't ask permission and i was punished (not harshly) but in my defense Daddy was the first person who ever truly made me cum. So, now i know when i am going to have an orgasm, and i ask permission. This requires me to be more aware of my body and my body's reaction to different kinds of stimulus, pain, pleasure, or pain becoming pleasure. For the record, He usually allows me to cum when i ask, although sometimes He will make me hold on, and will build my orgasms higher than the already are. My orgasms are usually better for having waited. There have been times when as a form of control, Daddy has denied me an orgasm. This is very difficult for me, and can become painful. Sometimes during this process, i will become stubborn and will myself not to feel anything. This takes every bit of concentration i have and can often be difficult if not impossible to maintain, especially if Daddy continues the stimulus. But, denials are rare, and they help me to remember that my body is not in control, Daddy is.
The second topic discussed in the blog i am talking about is cumming on command. This blogger, and again many of those who commented think that cumming on command is something that isn't real, and that those Dominants who believe they can teach their submissives to cum on command are dead wrong. Well, i don't have any scientific facts to provide, and i sure that not everyone who tries can do this. i would even imagine there are submissives who "fake" their orgasms to please their Doms. But i can assure you that cumming on command is something that is real, and there are submissives, like me, who can be taught to do it.
For me, i think part of the reason i am able to cum on command goes back to Daddy's control of my orgasms and the fact that i am more aware of my body and its reaction to different kinds of stimulus. When Daddy first started teaching me to cum on command, He would do something to me while i was cumming, like stroke my arm or my forehead lightly with His fingers. Therefore, my body assosciated these sensations with orgasming. So, when we were driving in the car or sitting at a restaurant and Daddy would lightly stroke my arm and say cum, my body would respond, as it had been conditioned to respond. This didn't happen all at once of course, it took time, but after a while, i found that the sensations were same and i would orgasm. After a while, all i needed was the word. Daddy can say "cum" anytime, anywhere and my body responds. My body is not in control in those situations, Daddy is.
i think another reason that Daddy was able to train me to cum on command is that i am very receptive to His energy. i have discussed this in a previous post, Daddy can transfer His energy to me. For those who don't believe this, trust me, it was a long time before i allowed myself to belive it and it was happening to MY body. Daddy can hold His hand above my body, never even touching me and i can feel the enrgy entering my body from His. i kept saying at first that it was all in my mind, that i saw His hand, but i soon discovered i could feel these same sensations when i didn't know He was doing it. Now i can be concentrating very intently on something and yet i know when He enters a room even though He doesn't make a sound.
There are those that know us that treat my ability to cum on command as a parlor trick, "Oh Sir make her cum, please make her cum..." and i am sure there are others who don't believe it is real, even if they don't say anything, but it's true. Daddy taught me to cum on command, and i truly think His ability to do so was, at least in part, related to Him taking control of my orgasms from the very begining of our relationship.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Improper Behavior, or Overbearing Dom
Well, they discharged Daddy from the hospital today. This does not mean they did anything to make Him better, far from it. It just means that the doctors who we trusted to help Him all bailed, and the thing that upsets me the most about this is that we were never told this could happen. Daddy has waited so long for this surgery, it was scheduled once before and canceled due to His lab work. At that time He was instructed to go see His PCP and get cleared. He did that. He went and had lab work last week, it was abnormal (normal for Him), they were aware of all of this and still they had us come in the night before, required Him to get poked and prodded, had Him receive blood products, and then 30 minutes prior to His scheduled surgery they pulled the rug out from under us and said it was canceled. But, they would do it later in the week they said, they just wanted Him to be seen by some other doctors. They would do it Thursday night. Then today at 3:00 PM, the rug was pulled out from under us again, and we are told, no the doctor is not going to do the surgery at all. Nice, huh? And the doctor wasn't even the one to come tell us, he sent his assistant. However, that was the good thing that happened today, she found a doctor, and friend of hers who does this type of surgery on high risk patients. He is willing to take Daddy on, we still have hope.
Something happened last night that really bothered me and has been weighing on me ever since. A couple we are friends with came to visit us at the hospital last night. This couple is lifestyle, and we spend quite a bit of time with them. We were all sitting around talking, and i asked my friend to do something for me that i was unable to do from the hospital, Daddy interupted me, said something about a way i could do this from the hospital, i looked at Him, and listened to Him, maybe even nodded my head at Him, then resumed the conversation i was having with my friend. At this point, her Dom said something to Daddy about me ignoring Him or not answering Him or something, i guess He thought i was being disrespectful. i was shocked. First of all i did not ignore, nor disrespect Daddy. i acknowledged Daddy, even though i had been talking, and then resumed my conversation. Second of all, Daddy didn't see my actions as disrespectful. This Dom went on and on about how i had ignored Him and how He has the same trouble with my friend and so He knew what Daddy was going through, etc, etc. So, i did something i normally would not do, i started to defend myself. i don't do this with Daddy because i know He doesn't like it, but i felt this "attack" was uncalled for. i said i didn't ignore Him, that i had listened to what He said, but that i had been in the middle of a conversation, and He said, "What kind of a relationship do you think you're in?'" i was very close to tears.
So, i got very quiet, and just concentrated on watching TV. The other Dom said something about me now being all mopey, again comparing my behavior with my friend's behavior. My friend started to think she was in trouble, and she asked if she had done something wrong or if she was in trouble, and He told her that she exhibits the same behavior a lot of the time. She also became quiet, and He said to Daddy "look, now I've made them both mopey."
i should say, that i have never had this type of problem with this particular Dom before, but i am aware that He often compares my friend's behavior with mine, when they are alone, with my behavior being better. i wish He wouldn't do that, but she has told me He does. i was just really surprised that not only did He try to dictate my behavior, but that He did it even though Daddy obviously did not have a problem with it.
So, i ask you. What do you think? What do other submissives think i should have done? Dominants, do you think He was out of line, or am i over reacting? Should i have defended myself, or just said yes Sir, to the other Dom and modified my behavior accordingly? i find i am questioning myself over this, even today. i know my friend was embarrassed over what He said to me, but of course she could not say anything.
Well, it has been a long, long couple of days, and i have to work tomorrow, so i think i will stop for the night. Here's hoping that everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.
Something happened last night that really bothered me and has been weighing on me ever since. A couple we are friends with came to visit us at the hospital last night. This couple is lifestyle, and we spend quite a bit of time with them. We were all sitting around talking, and i asked my friend to do something for me that i was unable to do from the hospital, Daddy interupted me, said something about a way i could do this from the hospital, i looked at Him, and listened to Him, maybe even nodded my head at Him, then resumed the conversation i was having with my friend. At this point, her Dom said something to Daddy about me ignoring Him or not answering Him or something, i guess He thought i was being disrespectful. i was shocked. First of all i did not ignore, nor disrespect Daddy. i acknowledged Daddy, even though i had been talking, and then resumed my conversation. Second of all, Daddy didn't see my actions as disrespectful. This Dom went on and on about how i had ignored Him and how He has the same trouble with my friend and so He knew what Daddy was going through, etc, etc. So, i did something i normally would not do, i started to defend myself. i don't do this with Daddy because i know He doesn't like it, but i felt this "attack" was uncalled for. i said i didn't ignore Him, that i had listened to what He said, but that i had been in the middle of a conversation, and He said, "What kind of a relationship do you think you're in?'" i was very close to tears.
So, i got very quiet, and just concentrated on watching TV. The other Dom said something about me now being all mopey, again comparing my behavior with my friend's behavior. My friend started to think she was in trouble, and she asked if she had done something wrong or if she was in trouble, and He told her that she exhibits the same behavior a lot of the time. She also became quiet, and He said to Daddy "look, now I've made them both mopey."
i should say, that i have never had this type of problem with this particular Dom before, but i am aware that He often compares my friend's behavior with mine, when they are alone, with my behavior being better. i wish He wouldn't do that, but she has told me He does. i was just really surprised that not only did He try to dictate my behavior, but that He did it even though Daddy obviously did not have a problem with it.
So, i ask you. What do you think? What do other submissives think i should have done? Dominants, do you think He was out of line, or am i over reacting? Should i have defended myself, or just said yes Sir, to the other Dom and modified my behavior accordingly? i find i am questioning myself over this, even today. i know my friend was embarrassed over what He said to me, but of course she could not say anything.
Well, it has been a long, long couple of days, and i have to work tomorrow, so i think i will stop for the night. Here's hoping that everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Life........
Life is so up in the air right now, i am not sure if i am coming or going. i know it has been a while since i last posted, but i honestly can't say why. i have wanted to blog, many days, i have even settled down to do so a couple of times, but things keep happening to get me off track.
Right now i am sitting in the hospital with Daddy. He hurt His back a few months ago, and He was supposed to have surgery today. He didn't. His lab work is such that if they did do surgery, it would be very dangerous. He was supposed to go to surgery at 8:30 am, and we didn't find out until almost 8:00 that it wasn't going to happen. We are both very upset and disappointed. There are doctors currently trying to get Him to the point where He can tolerate the surgery, but it is still going to be risky, and we have been told He could end up pararlyzed.
It has been a stressful day for both of us, with a lot of tears. At one point i had to leave the room for a while, because i was starting to fall apart, and He didn't need to deal with that on top of everything else. i am trying to be strong for Him. i told Him no matter what He decides, and whatever happens, i will stand by Him. If He ends up paralyzed, i will stay with Him, and i will care for Him. i love Him that much.
In other news, we are going to have a friend of ours moving in with us for a while. She recently lost her job, and her current relationship ended. She was going to be out of work and without a place to live. We have offered to let her stay with us for a while to gie her time to get back on her feet. i am sure this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship. For one thing, we won't be able to walk around naked anymore, lol. But on a more serious level, we will need to keep any "discussions" private. We will have to go to our room when we need to talk instead of just cuddling on the couch, or facing off across the living room. She is lifestyle, so any strange noises she hears won't be cause for speculation on her part. On the other hand, she is a Domme, and having two Dominant personalities in the house may be a bit rough on the this little sub.
Our relationship has been in a really good place lately. Daddy did a cutting on my arm last Sunday, and went over it again yesterday. It looks really great. It is the Kanji Symbol for submissive. As soon as He can Daddy has promised to post a picture of it here. i let Daddy do the cutting on me because i know it pleases Him, but He allowed me to chose the design and the sight. The reason He went over the cutting is because we want to make it permanent. This is going to require some explaining on my part when we see my family. It is at least partly visible when i wear short sleeves. i chose this symbol, because i am not ashamed of who or what i am. Daddy chose me to be His submissive and i am proud to belong to Him.
i have to say, the second time He did the cutting hurt SO much more than the first time. It hurt the first time, don't get me wrong, but He had lightly played me before starting, so that helped. About three minutes after He finished i orgasmed.....hugely. The second time He did it, we didn't have time to play first, and it was very painful. i was gripping the pillow and biting it to keep from yelling too loudly. i did fly, and afterward i had a huge release, i was sobbing, and shaking, this is not unusual for me, i usually cry when i fly. The first time this happened, i "came to" and there were tears streaming down my face. By this time i am used to this, so it is not such a surprise. What does/did surprise me is that after all that pain, i was still able to orgasm. i still don't understand sometimes how things that i find extemely painful, not the kind of pain i usually prefer, (i am not a painslut) can make me cum. Daddy will say, well if it hurt so much why did you cum, and my only answer is i don't know. i really don't. Daddy would like to do a cutting on me at a party, but i told Him when i agreed to let Him cut me that we would have to do them in private. i am not yet ready to do this type of scene in public, but Daddy has asked me to start preparing myself to do a cutting at a party, so i am working on that.
We went to a party last Friday night. We didn't play, but Daddy did offer. It was a differnt group of people from most of the parties we go to, and i wasn't really comfortable. Daddy did help a couple of others beat one sub, and i watched. Over all we had a good time. i was a good and attentive sub, paying attention to where Daddy was at all times, and making sure i got Him anything He needed. He told me later that i was a good girl, no other words could have pleased me more.
That's about it from here. Daddy has been given pain medicine and a sleeping pill so He is resting quietly right now. i need to try and get some sleep, i fear that tomorrow is going to be another emotionally charged day.
Right now i am sitting in the hospital with Daddy. He hurt His back a few months ago, and He was supposed to have surgery today. He didn't. His lab work is such that if they did do surgery, it would be very dangerous. He was supposed to go to surgery at 8:30 am, and we didn't find out until almost 8:00 that it wasn't going to happen. We are both very upset and disappointed. There are doctors currently trying to get Him to the point where He can tolerate the surgery, but it is still going to be risky, and we have been told He could end up pararlyzed.
It has been a stressful day for both of us, with a lot of tears. At one point i had to leave the room for a while, because i was starting to fall apart, and He didn't need to deal with that on top of everything else. i am trying to be strong for Him. i told Him no matter what He decides, and whatever happens, i will stand by Him. If He ends up paralyzed, i will stay with Him, and i will care for Him. i love Him that much.
In other news, we are going to have a friend of ours moving in with us for a while. She recently lost her job, and her current relationship ended. She was going to be out of work and without a place to live. We have offered to let her stay with us for a while to gie her time to get back on her feet. i am sure this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship. For one thing, we won't be able to walk around naked anymore, lol. But on a more serious level, we will need to keep any "discussions" private. We will have to go to our room when we need to talk instead of just cuddling on the couch, or facing off across the living room. She is lifestyle, so any strange noises she hears won't be cause for speculation on her part. On the other hand, she is a Domme, and having two Dominant personalities in the house may be a bit rough on the this little sub.
Our relationship has been in a really good place lately. Daddy did a cutting on my arm last Sunday, and went over it again yesterday. It looks really great. It is the Kanji Symbol for submissive. As soon as He can Daddy has promised to post a picture of it here. i let Daddy do the cutting on me because i know it pleases Him, but He allowed me to chose the design and the sight. The reason He went over the cutting is because we want to make it permanent. This is going to require some explaining on my part when we see my family. It is at least partly visible when i wear short sleeves. i chose this symbol, because i am not ashamed of who or what i am. Daddy chose me to be His submissive and i am proud to belong to Him.
i have to say, the second time He did the cutting hurt SO much more than the first time. It hurt the first time, don't get me wrong, but He had lightly played me before starting, so that helped. About three minutes after He finished i orgasmed.....hugely. The second time He did it, we didn't have time to play first, and it was very painful. i was gripping the pillow and biting it to keep from yelling too loudly. i did fly, and afterward i had a huge release, i was sobbing, and shaking, this is not unusual for me, i usually cry when i fly. The first time this happened, i "came to" and there were tears streaming down my face. By this time i am used to this, so it is not such a surprise. What does/did surprise me is that after all that pain, i was still able to orgasm. i still don't understand sometimes how things that i find extemely painful, not the kind of pain i usually prefer, (i am not a painslut) can make me cum. Daddy will say, well if it hurt so much why did you cum, and my only answer is i don't know. i really don't. Daddy would like to do a cutting on me at a party, but i told Him when i agreed to let Him cut me that we would have to do them in private. i am not yet ready to do this type of scene in public, but Daddy has asked me to start preparing myself to do a cutting at a party, so i am working on that.
We went to a party last Friday night. We didn't play, but Daddy did offer. It was a differnt group of people from most of the parties we go to, and i wasn't really comfortable. Daddy did help a couple of others beat one sub, and i watched. Over all we had a good time. i was a good and attentive sub, paying attention to where Daddy was at all times, and making sure i got Him anything He needed. He told me later that i was a good girl, no other words could have pleased me more.
That's about it from here. Daddy has been given pain medicine and a sleeping pill so He is resting quietly right now. i need to try and get some sleep, i fear that tomorrow is going to be another emotionally charged day.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Party
i said i would write about the party from Saturday night. We belong to two groups that have monthly parties, and we also go to occassional small parties, but we have not been to many parties recently, so we were both really looking forward to this party. We were out most of the day Saturday, so we rushed home, made our dish, got ready for the party and we were on our way.
After driving for about an hour, we got to the party. i was pretty quiet on the drive, and really had been for several days. As i said i have started walling up part of my heart to avoid being hurt, and that has made me different. i have been a little more withdrawn, and i have been avoiding make the spontaneous loving gestures i often make, like grabbing Daddy's hand or suddenly kissing Him.
So, we got to the party, went in, paid , and gave our kisses and cuddles to everyone we knew. We knew a lot of people, so soon we were chatting with friends, and i wasn't as attentive to Daddy as i should have been. And He wasn't really paying any attention to me either. He had agreed to play one of our friends at the party, and they were busy planning this, and He was taking pictures with a few of the girls. i was feeling more than a little left out.
Well, i knew i wasn't being a very good submissive, so i went to find Him and be at His side. He was outside so i went out there. He was busy talking to others, and not to me, except to order me to get Him a diet coke. i did, and then i sat there. Then He went in the house, and through the window i watched Him talking to, hugging, and laughing with all the others. i started feeling more and more jealous as well as left out. i was hurt and angry and sometimes when i feel that way, well i do things i know i shouldn't. That's what i did Saturday. When Daddy came back outside, i turned my back to Him and continued talking with the person next to me. Then when He played our friend, i didn't go to watch and i didn't make myself available to help Him and to clean up after the scene. i was mad that He hadn't offered to play me, and i was showing it.
All the while i was acting in this passive/agressive way, i knew better. i knew what i was doing was wrong and that i was probably going to be in trouble, but i couldn't stop myself. A couple of my friends asked me what was wrong, saying i was awfully quiet and not myself. i said i was fine, but one of my friends wasn't buying it. She was the one who told me about her husband sleeping with others. She told me she knew how i felt.
On the way home, i was sure Daddy was going to yell at me, but He didn't. He acted like everything was normal. i wondered if He either hadn't noticed my behavior, or if He understood how i was feeling and had decided to let it go. When we got home, i sat up with Him for a while, and then i went off to bed. Daddy sat up, and a few hours later He came to bed. That was when i found out that He had noticed my behavior and He wasn't letting it go.........but that is a story for tomorrow.
After driving for about an hour, we got to the party. i was pretty quiet on the drive, and really had been for several days. As i said i have started walling up part of my heart to avoid being hurt, and that has made me different. i have been a little more withdrawn, and i have been avoiding make the spontaneous loving gestures i often make, like grabbing Daddy's hand or suddenly kissing Him.
So, we got to the party, went in, paid , and gave our kisses and cuddles to everyone we knew. We knew a lot of people, so soon we were chatting with friends, and i wasn't as attentive to Daddy as i should have been. And He wasn't really paying any attention to me either. He had agreed to play one of our friends at the party, and they were busy planning this, and He was taking pictures with a few of the girls. i was feeling more than a little left out.
Well, i knew i wasn't being a very good submissive, so i went to find Him and be at His side. He was outside so i went out there. He was busy talking to others, and not to me, except to order me to get Him a diet coke. i did, and then i sat there. Then He went in the house, and through the window i watched Him talking to, hugging, and laughing with all the others. i started feeling more and more jealous as well as left out. i was hurt and angry and sometimes when i feel that way, well i do things i know i shouldn't. That's what i did Saturday. When Daddy came back outside, i turned my back to Him and continued talking with the person next to me. Then when He played our friend, i didn't go to watch and i didn't make myself available to help Him and to clean up after the scene. i was mad that He hadn't offered to play me, and i was showing it.
All the while i was acting in this passive/agressive way, i knew better. i knew what i was doing was wrong and that i was probably going to be in trouble, but i couldn't stop myself. A couple of my friends asked me what was wrong, saying i was awfully quiet and not myself. i said i was fine, but one of my friends wasn't buying it. She was the one who told me about her husband sleeping with others. She told me she knew how i felt.
On the way home, i was sure Daddy was going to yell at me, but He didn't. He acted like everything was normal. i wondered if He either hadn't noticed my behavior, or if He understood how i was feeling and had decided to let it go. When we got home, i sat up with Him for a while, and then i went off to bed. Daddy sat up, and a few hours later He came to bed. That was when i found out that He had noticed my behavior and He wasn't letting it go.........but that is a story for tomorrow.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
This and That
i have a lot on my mind today, but nothing that is feels like a clear concise thought. So, i think i'll just blog about the things that are on my mind. Then you'll all get a feel for what Daddy lives with. My mind works in such a weird way, that we can be sitting quietly doing nothing, or be engaged in some activity, when out of my mouth will come a thought or question that is so off the wall that He'll just look at me in astonishment. It's a fact that if a thought pops in my brain, inevitably, it's going to come out my mouth. i guess i'm just wired that way. Don't say i didn't warn you.
Jealousy. i have a real problem with this. i'm not sure why, but i get jealous very easily, too easily Daddy would say. It is not all without cause, well He thinks it is. Daddy wants to play with others, OK, i can deal with this, depending on who it is. And it's OK, when He is playing with random submissives, at parties, where we pretty much know everyone. But Daddy wants to take this further. He wants to find one or two submissives that He can play with on a regular basis, and He would be thrilled if sex could be part of the arrangement. Now, He says He doesn't want to bring these submissives to live in our house ( although He does want to bring them to play in our house), He doesn't want to collar them ( at least not a formal collar, although He is not totally against giving them a training collar or collar of protection), He just wants to be able to play with them. Mentally, i know this. i know that i am the one He comes home to, i am the one who sleeps in His bed, i am the one who serves Him, and i am the one He collared. My mind knows this, my heart is another story.
Daddy knew when He got me He was getting a mass of insecurities. i never hid from Him the fact that i was insecure. So, when He talks about getting another submissive to play with, and have sex with, while He is thinking He just likes variety, i am thinking, He wants someone else, i am not good enough for Him. Daddy says sex for most men is purely a physical thing, that it is merely a release. Well, that may be, but for me, it is much, much more than that. It means two people have a connection, a bond, and if He shares that bond with others, that really hurts.
Which leads me to the other thing in my head. Love. What part does love play in a D/s, M/s, or other BDSM relationship? If you had a choice between love, caring, or commitment, which would you choose? i've discussed before Daddy's aversion to love and marriage. We have been arguing about it a lot lately. i know that i love Him. He says there is no such thing as love, He does believe in love, and He cares for me. He asks me, "you know i care about you, right?" So, i asked Him, what do you mean by "care about me"? He said He was commited to me, that He had choosen to collar me. i was enraged. i said "comitted, you can be commited to something you don't even care for. i said i feel like your great grandmother that you made a 'commitment' to take care of!" He couldn't understand how i felt.
Daddy said if we are together 15-20 years, then He will marry me. He said He has been married twice before, and both times His wives left Him. i have told Him, i'm not them, i won't leave Him, and He is punishing me because of them. He says He knows, but that is just the way He feels. He expects me to trust Him, that He has commited to me for life with this collar, and i do trust that, but He refuses to trust me. i told Him this was kind of skewed logic, that i am expected to give Him the trust that He refuses to give to me.
So, even though i love Him, i have started to put up a little wall around part of my heart, trying to protect it from the hurt of hearing Him say to myself and others i don't love you. He tells other people He doesn't love me. People probably think i'm an idiot for sticking around with a man who says He can never love me. But i love Him. i just have to protect at least part of my heart from being crushed.
We had talked about handfasting. He told me it was up to me. i wasn't sure, because i thought the love should be there on both our parts if we were going to do that. So, i told Him, it was up to Him. He said He didn't need a handfasting, because the collar He put around my neck, means more to Him than any wedding band ever could, My collar means the world to me, but i could use some love to go with it.
We went to a BDSM house party last night, where i ended up in quite a bit of trouble. i will try to write about that tomorrow, but while Daddy was playing someone else and i was feeling sorry for myself, and trying not to cry, because the person He was playing is a very dear friend of mine and i didn't want her feeling bad, another friend came up to talk to me. She said i was awfully quiet, and i tried to lie and say i was fine, but then the tears started. i said i have to be ok, for so and so, she is my friend and i don't want her to know i am upset. My friend had actually asked me if i was ok with Daddy playing with her, because if i wasn't she wouldn't let Him play her. i told her it was fine, and i guess in some ways it really wasn't. My other friend told me she knew exactly how i felt, that she feels the same way, and so do half of the submissives at any party. She said this lifestyle doesn't lend itself well to monogamy. She said most Doms, even if they have the youngest, the prettiest, or the best submissive in the world want more. She told me that her husband, who was also her Dom, sleeps with other woman several nights per week, with her sleeping, or trying to sleep in the next room. i was shocked. i didn't know that her husband/Dom was like that, and that a lot of others are like that too. And while it didn't make me feel better exactly, it made me feel less alone.
i told my friend that Daddy says He doesn't love me. She said she doesn't believe it. From her lips to Gods ears. Sometimes i think He loves me, but then He says no, and i just have to live with it.
So are the rambling thoughts of a little subbie girl. Tomorrow, i will start writing about the party and the repercussions.
Jealousy. i have a real problem with this. i'm not sure why, but i get jealous very easily, too easily Daddy would say. It is not all without cause, well He thinks it is. Daddy wants to play with others, OK, i can deal with this, depending on who it is. And it's OK, when He is playing with random submissives, at parties, where we pretty much know everyone. But Daddy wants to take this further. He wants to find one or two submissives that He can play with on a regular basis, and He would be thrilled if sex could be part of the arrangement. Now, He says He doesn't want to bring these submissives to live in our house ( although He does want to bring them to play in our house), He doesn't want to collar them ( at least not a formal collar, although He is not totally against giving them a training collar or collar of protection), He just wants to be able to play with them. Mentally, i know this. i know that i am the one He comes home to, i am the one who sleeps in His bed, i am the one who serves Him, and i am the one He collared. My mind knows this, my heart is another story.
Daddy knew when He got me He was getting a mass of insecurities. i never hid from Him the fact that i was insecure. So, when He talks about getting another submissive to play with, and have sex with, while He is thinking He just likes variety, i am thinking, He wants someone else, i am not good enough for Him. Daddy says sex for most men is purely a physical thing, that it is merely a release. Well, that may be, but for me, it is much, much more than that. It means two people have a connection, a bond, and if He shares that bond with others, that really hurts.
Which leads me to the other thing in my head. Love. What part does love play in a D/s, M/s, or other BDSM relationship? If you had a choice between love, caring, or commitment, which would you choose? i've discussed before Daddy's aversion to love and marriage. We have been arguing about it a lot lately. i know that i love Him. He says there is no such thing as love, He does believe in love, and He cares for me. He asks me, "you know i care about you, right?" So, i asked Him, what do you mean by "care about me"? He said He was commited to me, that He had choosen to collar me. i was enraged. i said "comitted, you can be commited to something you don't even care for. i said i feel like your great grandmother that you made a 'commitment' to take care of!" He couldn't understand how i felt.
Daddy said if we are together 15-20 years, then He will marry me. He said He has been married twice before, and both times His wives left Him. i have told Him, i'm not them, i won't leave Him, and He is punishing me because of them. He says He knows, but that is just the way He feels. He expects me to trust Him, that He has commited to me for life with this collar, and i do trust that, but He refuses to trust me. i told Him this was kind of skewed logic, that i am expected to give Him the trust that He refuses to give to me.
So, even though i love Him, i have started to put up a little wall around part of my heart, trying to protect it from the hurt of hearing Him say to myself and others i don't love you. He tells other people He doesn't love me. People probably think i'm an idiot for sticking around with a man who says He can never love me. But i love Him. i just have to protect at least part of my heart from being crushed.
We had talked about handfasting. He told me it was up to me. i wasn't sure, because i thought the love should be there on both our parts if we were going to do that. So, i told Him, it was up to Him. He said He didn't need a handfasting, because the collar He put around my neck, means more to Him than any wedding band ever could, My collar means the world to me, but i could use some love to go with it.
We went to a BDSM house party last night, where i ended up in quite a bit of trouble. i will try to write about that tomorrow, but while Daddy was playing someone else and i was feeling sorry for myself, and trying not to cry, because the person He was playing is a very dear friend of mine and i didn't want her feeling bad, another friend came up to talk to me. She said i was awfully quiet, and i tried to lie and say i was fine, but then the tears started. i said i have to be ok, for so and so, she is my friend and i don't want her to know i am upset. My friend had actually asked me if i was ok with Daddy playing with her, because if i wasn't she wouldn't let Him play her. i told her it was fine, and i guess in some ways it really wasn't. My other friend told me she knew exactly how i felt, that she feels the same way, and so do half of the submissives at any party. She said this lifestyle doesn't lend itself well to monogamy. She said most Doms, even if they have the youngest, the prettiest, or the best submissive in the world want more. She told me that her husband, who was also her Dom, sleeps with other woman several nights per week, with her sleeping, or trying to sleep in the next room. i was shocked. i didn't know that her husband/Dom was like that, and that a lot of others are like that too. And while it didn't make me feel better exactly, it made me feel less alone.
i told my friend that Daddy says He doesn't love me. She said she doesn't believe it. From her lips to Gods ears. Sometimes i think He loves me, but then He says no, and i just have to live with it.
So are the rambling thoughts of a little subbie girl. Tomorrow, i will start writing about the party and the repercussions.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Age Play......For The Young at Heart
i have been thinking about this post for some time. i'm hoping that it doesn't offend or upset anyone, but i know that this is a touchy or hot button item with many people in the lifestyle. What is written here are merely my thoughts and opinions.
Background: A couple of weeks ago on one of the lifestyle websites i belong to, someone outed to the community at large a man who was a convicted sex offender. He showed up at a local party, and when it was discovered who he was, he was quietly asked to leave. He did leave, but some of those who were aware of what happened, felt that the community needed to be warned about this man, it was against his parole for him to be at a gathering of this type, and if he was found to be there everyone in attendance could be affected. So, he was outed on several of the sites groups and this caused a lot of controversy and the warnings were removed after the site received some complaints.
Now, i am not sure how i feel about this. On the one hand, i hate to see anyone outed, if that happened to me, it would be the end of my career, but on the other hand, this man has been convicted of being a sexual predator, not only a sexual predator but a pedophile. He was putting a lot of people at risk, and had no intention of telling people who he was, or staying away from parties.
Now, while this controversy was going on, and members were battling back and forth over what was right, and what was wrong, another member wrote a blog about what had happened and was rude to one of the young girls (over 18, but still young) who defended this man. Then this member started talking about ageplay, and how the whole Daddy/babygirl dynamic sickens and disgusts him. This blog and the the derogatory statements made by this man upset not only me, but many other members of the community.
He stated that he would never play with a girl who identified as a little, ok fine. He said that the thought is sickening to him, again ok, but not very tolerant of other people's kink. The part that upset me and many others was when he said that people who participate in ageplay are supporting pedophilia, and that men in the lifestyle who played Daddy/daughter or Daddy/babygirl often preyed on young, barely legal, girls in the scene to play out their pedophile tendencies.
Daddy and i, as you may have figured, are into ageplay. While i don't always identify as a little, i am an adult with adult responsibilities after all, i do frequently identify, especially during play as an eight year old girl. i know that some people think this is sick or wrong, but it works for us. Daddy and i both love children, i have worked with children through church for many years, we would never, ever think of hurting a child in this way. That is morally wrong, as well as illegal. We enjoy playing together in this way. We even belong to an ageplay group that has meetings, activities, and outings for littles along with their Daddy, Mommy, or other Big.
At these meetings we color, watch cartoons, blow bubbles, and act mischevious. But, we are all adults. Many littles donn't engage in any sexual activity when they are in their little persona. Daddy and i do. We enjoy this. Daddy had a previous submissive who liked to ageplay a naughty teenager. She would get in "trouble" in this persona, Daddy would punish her, and they would engage in sexual activities. Now, this girl had been sexually abused by her stepfather as a teenager, yet she enjoyed the ageplay dynamic as an adult. Some would probably say she was dealing with what happened to her as a teenager in this way, and if she was so be it.
The point is, ageplay works for us, and for many other people in the lifestyle, and while it may not work for some, it is something we truly enjoy. Why is it that some people in this lifestyle are so very intolerant? Don't we as a group get enough of this intolerance from the vanilla world? If you don't like my thing, that's fine. It doesn't make either one of us a bad person, we can just agree to disagree. One of the posts i read in response to this man's blog was, if you don't like what you are seeing, walk away and go get a cookie. i think that is a great idea.
Background: A couple of weeks ago on one of the lifestyle websites i belong to, someone outed to the community at large a man who was a convicted sex offender. He showed up at a local party, and when it was discovered who he was, he was quietly asked to leave. He did leave, but some of those who were aware of what happened, felt that the community needed to be warned about this man, it was against his parole for him to be at a gathering of this type, and if he was found to be there everyone in attendance could be affected. So, he was outed on several of the sites groups and this caused a lot of controversy and the warnings were removed after the site received some complaints.
Now, i am not sure how i feel about this. On the one hand, i hate to see anyone outed, if that happened to me, it would be the end of my career, but on the other hand, this man has been convicted of being a sexual predator, not only a sexual predator but a pedophile. He was putting a lot of people at risk, and had no intention of telling people who he was, or staying away from parties.
Now, while this controversy was going on, and members were battling back and forth over what was right, and what was wrong, another member wrote a blog about what had happened and was rude to one of the young girls (over 18, but still young) who defended this man. Then this member started talking about ageplay, and how the whole Daddy/babygirl dynamic sickens and disgusts him. This blog and the the derogatory statements made by this man upset not only me, but many other members of the community.
He stated that he would never play with a girl who identified as a little, ok fine. He said that the thought is sickening to him, again ok, but not very tolerant of other people's kink. The part that upset me and many others was when he said that people who participate in ageplay are supporting pedophilia, and that men in the lifestyle who played Daddy/daughter or Daddy/babygirl often preyed on young, barely legal, girls in the scene to play out their pedophile tendencies.
Daddy and i, as you may have figured, are into ageplay. While i don't always identify as a little, i am an adult with adult responsibilities after all, i do frequently identify, especially during play as an eight year old girl. i know that some people think this is sick or wrong, but it works for us. Daddy and i both love children, i have worked with children through church for many years, we would never, ever think of hurting a child in this way. That is morally wrong, as well as illegal. We enjoy playing together in this way. We even belong to an ageplay group that has meetings, activities, and outings for littles along with their Daddy, Mommy, or other Big.
At these meetings we color, watch cartoons, blow bubbles, and act mischevious. But, we are all adults. Many littles donn't engage in any sexual activity when they are in their little persona. Daddy and i do. We enjoy this. Daddy had a previous submissive who liked to ageplay a naughty teenager. She would get in "trouble" in this persona, Daddy would punish her, and they would engage in sexual activities. Now, this girl had been sexually abused by her stepfather as a teenager, yet she enjoyed the ageplay dynamic as an adult. Some would probably say she was dealing with what happened to her as a teenager in this way, and if she was so be it.
The point is, ageplay works for us, and for many other people in the lifestyle, and while it may not work for some, it is something we truly enjoy. Why is it that some people in this lifestyle are so very intolerant? Don't we as a group get enough of this intolerance from the vanilla world? If you don't like my thing, that's fine. It doesn't make either one of us a bad person, we can just agree to disagree. One of the posts i read in response to this man's blog was, if you don't like what you are seeing, walk away and go get a cookie. i think that is a great idea.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"True" Submission
A lot of talk has been happening here lately about safe words, limits, and "true" submission. Everyone has their own opinions on this subject, and i want to talk about mine. i have discussed safe words and limits before, but i just want to express my opinion.
There was a post i read earlier that said any person who has limits or uses a safe word is not truly submissive. That, in essence they are playing at being submissive or they are controlling the relationship, instead of the Dom who should be controlling it. i respectfully disagree. First of all, nothing makes me crazier than the 'my submission is better than your's' game. Everyone defines their relationship differently, and just because one submissive does things one way and another does things another way, does not make one better, truer, or more submissive than the other.
Daddy and i don't use safe words, anymore. We did in the begining. It was important and in Daddy's opinion necessary in the begining. For one thing i was brand new to the scene. Neither one of us knew what i could handle. Daddy didn't want to accidently go too far and have me afraid to say something. He wasn't sure what body language i would exhibit if and when things got too intense. Now He knows me. He knows how far He can push me, and He knows what to watch for as far as my reactions if He is going too far.
These safe words were used only during play and they were not abused. They were never used to simply get out of doing something i didn't want to do. They were used if and when they were needed, if something was becoming too much for me or if somehing was wrong like my hands were going numb. Sometimes i would fight against using my safe words even when i really needed to. i wanted to be a perfect submissive who could take as much as any other submissive. Daddy cured me of that, He pushed me, and pushed me, and pushed me, until i called red.
When Daddy allows someone else to play me, however, He insists on safe words and i am thankful for that. Another Top does not know me like Daddy does, and i need to be able to stop things if they go to far. Daddy also will not allow someone else to play me if He has never seen them play, and if He has seen them play, but is uncomfortable with how they play, He will not allow them to play me. These are some of the ways He takes care of me.
As far as limits go, yes, i have limits. i don't have as many limits as i did in the begining, but yes i do have limits. There are certain things i simply will not do or have done to me. Does this make me not submissive? i don't think so. It means i am not a mindless robot, it doesn't mean i am not submissive. There are other things that i am not fond of, but that Daddy likes to do, that i do to please Him. That is part of what makes me a submissive, my desire to make Daddy happy. Daddy accepts my hard limits, and pushes my soft limits and over time some things that were hard limits have become things that either i really enjoy, like knife play, or things i accept like cutting. Some of my other limits remain limits and will always remain limits. Some of these things like scat, and beastiality luckliy are things that Daddy has no interest in.
So, i used to use safe words and i still have limits. Does this make me not a true submissive? Does this make me just some player waanabe, who has romantic ideas of what submission is? No. NO! i am submissive because i have a desire to please my Master. i am submissive because i have given myself freely to Him. He considers me His property and that makes me happy. Yes, i do believe that there are submissives out there who have romantic ideas about submission. Submission is hard sometimes. It is serving when you are dead tired at the end of a long day. It is responding yes Sir to a command when you are feeling upset or just having a bad day. And at times it does mean doing something that you don't exactly enjoy because it will make Him happy. i do all this, because i am with my Master, my Sir, my One, my Owner, my Daddy. He makes me whole, and i gladly belong to Him.
i have also read things about on-line submissives being less submissive than those of us who have the privelege of living the lifestyle real time. Who are we to judge. Those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to be near the one who owns us on a daily or at least regular basis. How hard must it be that the only contact these submissives have with their Masters is a phone call or e-mail message. Those submissives who live a long distance or on-line relationship with their Masters and do it truthfully, obediently, and submissively deserve respect from the rest of us.
No one can define true submission. It has as many definitions as it has people living it whether 24/7, part time, on-line, or any other way they live it.
There was a post i read earlier that said any person who has limits or uses a safe word is not truly submissive. That, in essence they are playing at being submissive or they are controlling the relationship, instead of the Dom who should be controlling it. i respectfully disagree. First of all, nothing makes me crazier than the 'my submission is better than your's' game. Everyone defines their relationship differently, and just because one submissive does things one way and another does things another way, does not make one better, truer, or more submissive than the other.
Daddy and i don't use safe words, anymore. We did in the begining. It was important and in Daddy's opinion necessary in the begining. For one thing i was brand new to the scene. Neither one of us knew what i could handle. Daddy didn't want to accidently go too far and have me afraid to say something. He wasn't sure what body language i would exhibit if and when things got too intense. Now He knows me. He knows how far He can push me, and He knows what to watch for as far as my reactions if He is going too far.
These safe words were used only during play and they were not abused. They were never used to simply get out of doing something i didn't want to do. They were used if and when they were needed, if something was becoming too much for me or if somehing was wrong like my hands were going numb. Sometimes i would fight against using my safe words even when i really needed to. i wanted to be a perfect submissive who could take as much as any other submissive. Daddy cured me of that, He pushed me, and pushed me, and pushed me, until i called red.
When Daddy allows someone else to play me, however, He insists on safe words and i am thankful for that. Another Top does not know me like Daddy does, and i need to be able to stop things if they go to far. Daddy also will not allow someone else to play me if He has never seen them play, and if He has seen them play, but is uncomfortable with how they play, He will not allow them to play me. These are some of the ways He takes care of me.
As far as limits go, yes, i have limits. i don't have as many limits as i did in the begining, but yes i do have limits. There are certain things i simply will not do or have done to me. Does this make me not submissive? i don't think so. It means i am not a mindless robot, it doesn't mean i am not submissive. There are other things that i am not fond of, but that Daddy likes to do, that i do to please Him. That is part of what makes me a submissive, my desire to make Daddy happy. Daddy accepts my hard limits, and pushes my soft limits and over time some things that were hard limits have become things that either i really enjoy, like knife play, or things i accept like cutting. Some of my other limits remain limits and will always remain limits. Some of these things like scat, and beastiality luckliy are things that Daddy has no interest in.
So, i used to use safe words and i still have limits. Does this make me not a true submissive? Does this make me just some player waanabe, who has romantic ideas of what submission is? No. NO! i am submissive because i have a desire to please my Master. i am submissive because i have given myself freely to Him. He considers me His property and that makes me happy. Yes, i do believe that there are submissives out there who have romantic ideas about submission. Submission is hard sometimes. It is serving when you are dead tired at the end of a long day. It is responding yes Sir to a command when you are feeling upset or just having a bad day. And at times it does mean doing something that you don't exactly enjoy because it will make Him happy. i do all this, because i am with my Master, my Sir, my One, my Owner, my Daddy. He makes me whole, and i gladly belong to Him.
i have also read things about on-line submissives being less submissive than those of us who have the privelege of living the lifestyle real time. Who are we to judge. Those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to be near the one who owns us on a daily or at least regular basis. How hard must it be that the only contact these submissives have with their Masters is a phone call or e-mail message. Those submissives who live a long distance or on-line relationship with their Masters and do it truthfully, obediently, and submissively deserve respect from the rest of us.
No one can define true submission. It has as many definitions as it has people living it whether 24/7, part time, on-line, or any other way they live it.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Not Sure What's the Matter with Me
i'm not sure what's wrong with me. i wanted to blog all weekend long, i even had ideas i wanted to blog about, but as hard and often as i tried, i was unable to get my thoughts out clearly. Even this isn't coming out quite the way i intended.
Daddy and i were talking about Handfasting last night and for some reason, even though He didn't say anything to me that He hasn't said before, i got really upset. We have never discussed Handfasting before, it simply came up because we were looking at websites of Rennassaince Costumes and they had a section with Handfasting cloaks.
Daddy doesn't want to get married. Ever. He has been married twice before and doesn't want to get married again. He never hid this fact from me. So, even though i would like to be married to Him, i knew from the start that this is the way it is. Last night Daddy asked me if i wanted to be Handfasted, and at first i thought yes, i really do, but then He said He would be willing to Handfast with if it would make me feel better about the fact that He wants to find others to play with. What?!? There are times He wants to do some things that i'm not crazy about, or that i plain don't like. i know this, and i usually don't have a problem with Him playing with others who play harder or just different than i do. He has mentioned that He would like to find someone or a couple of someones to play with occassionally and that at times He would like to bring it to a sexual level. Does this make me happy? No. Will i accept it? That is a little more complicated. Of course if He decides to do this, i have no choice, but i would like for it to be someone i at least like, and i would like to be there.
When Daddy talks about wanting to find others to play with, it hurts me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough, that i am not making Him happy. Sometimes i feel like if He finds someone He thinks is better than i am, that He'll want to replace me.He tells me that is silly, that He is comitted to me, He collared me, and i am the one He wants. i do have some problems with insecurity and jealousy, i always have, and Daddy knew this when we got together. He tells me i have no reason to be jealous about anyone else, but when the other submissive is prettier, thinner, or younger i feel inferior.
The other part of this is that Daddy doesn't love me. He says He doesn't believe that love exists, and that He "cares about me". He not only tells me regularly that He doen't love me, He tells other people that. That hurts me more than i can express, especially since i love Him more than i have ever loved anyone.
So, last night when we talked about Handfasting all of this came bubbling up to the surface and i got upset. Even though i would like to be handfasted to Daddy, i don't think that making me more comfortable about Him being with others is a very good reason to do it, especially if He doesn't love me. Daddy says part of the reason He doesn't want to get married again is that He doesn't want to be hurt again. His second wife lied to Him and asked for a divorce after 14 years of marriage. i told Him i am not His ex-wives and while He says He knows that, He is still making me pay for their sins. i feel like the fact that He thinks if He marries me i will hurt Him shows that He doesn't trust me. That hurts too.
Last night i told Him all this, and asked what "cares for" means. He said it is commitment, but what does that mean? He says He wants me, that He collared me, and He doesn't take that lightly. He says He is willing to Handfast with me if that is what i want, what i need to feel that our commitment is stronger.
There are times i feel like He loves me. There were even a couple of times He has said it, although they were long ago, and now He denies ever saying it. He takes very good care of me. When i was sick and in the hospital He slept by my bedside despite His back pain. On Valentine's Day He took me out of town and spoiled me. He was there for me at my Grandfather's Funeral. He built a computer to give my nephews for Christmas.
He said i need to let Him know in a week if i want to be handfasted to Him. Do i? i don't know. i still don't know if the reason He is even considering it is a good enough reason, and i'm not sure if it is something He really wants.
i know that this post probably makes little to no sense. i feel like i have been rambling on aimlessly.
Daddy and i were talking about Handfasting last night and for some reason, even though He didn't say anything to me that He hasn't said before, i got really upset. We have never discussed Handfasting before, it simply came up because we were looking at websites of Rennassaince Costumes and they had a section with Handfasting cloaks.
Daddy doesn't want to get married. Ever. He has been married twice before and doesn't want to get married again. He never hid this fact from me. So, even though i would like to be married to Him, i knew from the start that this is the way it is. Last night Daddy asked me if i wanted to be Handfasted, and at first i thought yes, i really do, but then He said He would be willing to Handfast with if it would make me feel better about the fact that He wants to find others to play with. What?!? There are times He wants to do some things that i'm not crazy about, or that i plain don't like. i know this, and i usually don't have a problem with Him playing with others who play harder or just different than i do. He has mentioned that He would like to find someone or a couple of someones to play with occassionally and that at times He would like to bring it to a sexual level. Does this make me happy? No. Will i accept it? That is a little more complicated. Of course if He decides to do this, i have no choice, but i would like for it to be someone i at least like, and i would like to be there.
When Daddy talks about wanting to find others to play with, it hurts me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough, that i am not making Him happy. Sometimes i feel like if He finds someone He thinks is better than i am, that He'll want to replace me.He tells me that is silly, that He is comitted to me, He collared me, and i am the one He wants. i do have some problems with insecurity and jealousy, i always have, and Daddy knew this when we got together. He tells me i have no reason to be jealous about anyone else, but when the other submissive is prettier, thinner, or younger i feel inferior.
The other part of this is that Daddy doesn't love me. He says He doesn't believe that love exists, and that He "cares about me". He not only tells me regularly that He doen't love me, He tells other people that. That hurts me more than i can express, especially since i love Him more than i have ever loved anyone.
So, last night when we talked about Handfasting all of this came bubbling up to the surface and i got upset. Even though i would like to be handfasted to Daddy, i don't think that making me more comfortable about Him being with others is a very good reason to do it, especially if He doesn't love me. Daddy says part of the reason He doesn't want to get married again is that He doesn't want to be hurt again. His second wife lied to Him and asked for a divorce after 14 years of marriage. i told Him i am not His ex-wives and while He says He knows that, He is still making me pay for their sins. i feel like the fact that He thinks if He marries me i will hurt Him shows that He doesn't trust me. That hurts too.
Last night i told Him all this, and asked what "cares for" means. He said it is commitment, but what does that mean? He says He wants me, that He collared me, and He doesn't take that lightly. He says He is willing to Handfast with me if that is what i want, what i need to feel that our commitment is stronger.
There are times i feel like He loves me. There were even a couple of times He has said it, although they were long ago, and now He denies ever saying it. He takes very good care of me. When i was sick and in the hospital He slept by my bedside despite His back pain. On Valentine's Day He took me out of town and spoiled me. He was there for me at my Grandfather's Funeral. He built a computer to give my nephews for Christmas.
He said i need to let Him know in a week if i want to be handfasted to Him. Do i? i don't know. i still don't know if the reason He is even considering it is a good enough reason, and i'm not sure if it is something He really wants.
i know that this post probably makes little to no sense. i feel like i have been rambling on aimlessly.
Friday, September 18, 2009
My Collaring
May 31, 2008 was the happiest day of my life. It was the day that Daddy officially Collared me. Prior to that i was wearing a training collar that He had given me when we first got together. When He presented me with my training collar i was very pleased, but it was a very low key event, just the two of us. My official Collaring was a much more elaborate affair.
Of course i don't wear my Formal Collar at all times, that would be inappropriate for many occassions including work, church, and other non-lifestyle functions. For those occassions i have a silver chain with a medallion that has a wolf on one side and a Celtic Cross on the other that He bought me early on in our relationship. We consider this a collar most of the time. When we go to a party or other lifestyle event i always wear my formal collar, and sometimes when we are going out somewhere where no one knows us, i will wear my formal collar. i just like the way it looks.....and feels.
Daddy has also given me another mark of ownership that i can never take off. i have a tattoo on my upper left thigh. It is only visible when i am wearing shorts, a very short skirt, or nothing. i love this tattoo, although it hurt alot when it was done. The point of all this is, it doesn't matter what the item is, it marks His ownership of me. Very few people know that these are marks of ownership, but we do, that is what's important.
But back to my Collaring. Every couple brings there own personality to their Collaring Ceremony. Ours was no different. Daddy basically left most of the planning up to me, which was fine, that was actually what i wanted. We decided that we did not want an officiant. Daddy decided that He would speak at the ceremony. We also decided that we wanted other people involved in our ceremony. Some of those people would be in the actual ceremony, and others would be invited to the ceremony. Several of the girls who were in the ceremony helped me with the planning, i did a lot of research on different styles of ceremonies. There is one Ceremony called The Ceremony of The Roses that is absolutely beautiful.
Some couples do their Collaring privately, not wishing to share it with anyone else, some couples will have a small gathering, and some do it casually at a party. We did our Collaring in front of a large group of people. We asked a friend of ours whose has parties at her home if we could borrow her house for our ceremony. We invited friends who we had met at parties and other lifestyle events. Some of our closest friends were in the ceremony, with our best friends, who happen to be a couple standing with us. A male submissive friend of ours escorted me in and presented me to Daddy. i was wearing a short white dress that we made specifically for this occassion. Daddy removed my training collar, and asked me if i wished to submit to Him. When i had answered His questions He placed the Formal Collar around my neck. Tears were running down my face. It was the best day of my life.
My friends did not let me do any of the work the day of, or the day after my Collaring. All the cooking and cleaning and setting up they did. They told me it was my day and i was to just enjoy it. They also helped me dress and one of them curled my hair. i had a manicure, a pedicure, and even had my eyebrows waxed for the first time, ever. i felt like a princess.
And yet, as wonderful as it all was, as pampered as i felt, the underlying meaning of this step was not lost on me. The fact that He cared enough about me to collar me was overwhelming. This Collar means so much to me. It means as much to me as a wedding ring. It is a symbol of ownership, and commitment. It means i am in this for the long haul. i did not accept this collar lightly, and i think He knows that.
There was a discussion on one of the boards i belong to recently on "The Velcro Collar Syndrome", couples making this commitment within days of getting together, only to have it end a few weeks later, instead of taking the time to be sure. Daddy and i waited almost two years before He formally collared me. It was not something we rushed into. i'm not saying that couples that enter into a relationship quickly are doomed to fail, after all even though we waited almost two years to do the formal collaring, we moved in together essentially after one date. i'm just saying that entering into a BDSM relationship is something that needs to be carefully thought out. You could possibly be putting your LIFE into the hands of someone else, don't you want to know you can trust them?
Being Collared means the world to me. We have our ups and downs, and some days i feel very frustrated, but when all is said and done, this is where i want to be. i belong to Him, completely.
Of course i don't wear my Formal Collar at all times, that would be inappropriate for many occassions including work, church, and other non-lifestyle functions. For those occassions i have a silver chain with a medallion that has a wolf on one side and a Celtic Cross on the other that He bought me early on in our relationship. We consider this a collar most of the time. When we go to a party or other lifestyle event i always wear my formal collar, and sometimes when we are going out somewhere where no one knows us, i will wear my formal collar. i just like the way it looks.....and feels.
Daddy has also given me another mark of ownership that i can never take off. i have a tattoo on my upper left thigh. It is only visible when i am wearing shorts, a very short skirt, or nothing. i love this tattoo, although it hurt alot when it was done. The point of all this is, it doesn't matter what the item is, it marks His ownership of me. Very few people know that these are marks of ownership, but we do, that is what's important.
But back to my Collaring. Every couple brings there own personality to their Collaring Ceremony. Ours was no different. Daddy basically left most of the planning up to me, which was fine, that was actually what i wanted. We decided that we did not want an officiant. Daddy decided that He would speak at the ceremony. We also decided that we wanted other people involved in our ceremony. Some of those people would be in the actual ceremony, and others would be invited to the ceremony. Several of the girls who were in the ceremony helped me with the planning, i did a lot of research on different styles of ceremonies. There is one Ceremony called The Ceremony of The Roses that is absolutely beautiful.
Some couples do their Collaring privately, not wishing to share it with anyone else, some couples will have a small gathering, and some do it casually at a party. We did our Collaring in front of a large group of people. We asked a friend of ours whose has parties at her home if we could borrow her house for our ceremony. We invited friends who we had met at parties and other lifestyle events. Some of our closest friends were in the ceremony, with our best friends, who happen to be a couple standing with us. A male submissive friend of ours escorted me in and presented me to Daddy. i was wearing a short white dress that we made specifically for this occassion. Daddy removed my training collar, and asked me if i wished to submit to Him. When i had answered His questions He placed the Formal Collar around my neck. Tears were running down my face. It was the best day of my life.
My friends did not let me do any of the work the day of, or the day after my Collaring. All the cooking and cleaning and setting up they did. They told me it was my day and i was to just enjoy it. They also helped me dress and one of them curled my hair. i had a manicure, a pedicure, and even had my eyebrows waxed for the first time, ever. i felt like a princess.
And yet, as wonderful as it all was, as pampered as i felt, the underlying meaning of this step was not lost on me. The fact that He cared enough about me to collar me was overwhelming. This Collar means so much to me. It means as much to me as a wedding ring. It is a symbol of ownership, and commitment. It means i am in this for the long haul. i did not accept this collar lightly, and i think He knows that.
There was a discussion on one of the boards i belong to recently on "The Velcro Collar Syndrome", couples making this commitment within days of getting together, only to have it end a few weeks later, instead of taking the time to be sure. Daddy and i waited almost two years before He formally collared me. It was not something we rushed into. i'm not saying that couples that enter into a relationship quickly are doomed to fail, after all even though we waited almost two years to do the formal collaring, we moved in together essentially after one date. i'm just saying that entering into a BDSM relationship is something that needs to be carefully thought out. You could possibly be putting your LIFE into the hands of someone else, don't you want to know you can trust them?
Being Collared means the world to me. We have our ups and downs, and some days i feel very frustrated, but when all is said and done, this is where i want to be. i belong to Him, completely.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Energy Exchange
From our first meeting, Daddy always made it clear that i was never to cum without His permission. There were times He made me beg, there were times He denied me, and there were times that i waited too long to ask, and came without permission (never a good thing), but the one thing i never, ever imagined after that first meeting was that one day, with a slight touch, or a single word my body would respond no matter where i was or what i was doing.
The first time this happened, we were out and about. Daddy has a habit of touching me while we are driving. He likes for me to wear a skirt without panties, of course, and on this particular day that is what i had on. i have always been very shy about these semi-public displays, but at the same time i get pretty excited. So, we had completed our last stop and we were on our way home, which living where we did at the time was a fairly long drive. Daddy had been touching and teasing me all day, and i was quickly becoming a puddle of goo. Then out of the blue, Daddy softly stroked His fingers up my arm and said "Cum"....miraculously i did.
At first i wasn't sure what had happened. It seemed impossible that i had just cum from having my arm stroked. Daddy says at the time He wasn't sure if what He did would work, but He knew i was fairly receptive to His energy, He just wasn't sure how receptive. From that time on He knew for sure.
Part of the reason Daddy felt i would be able to cum on command was because He had done some energy work with me prior to that. He would have me close my eyes, or would come up behind me when i was unaware, and when He held His hand 1/2 inch or so above my skin, i would react. Over and over again, i vowed that i didn't feel anything, but the truth was and is, when He does this i feel His energy flow through me.
From that day forward, anytime Daddy would lightly touch my arm and command "cum", i would. Then we started working with just the word, and to my surprise and shock, i was able to cum simply from the command.
Since that time, with much coaxing from Daddy, i have accepted and acknowledged that we do have the connection. i don't know why the thought of feeling His energy frightened me so much. Every time He would do something having to do with energy exchange i would tell Him i didn't "really" feel it, or it was all in my mind. Then came the day when He made it all "so real" to me.
Some of the details of this day are a little unclear to me. i was really upset about something, i believe i was arguing with my mom, which always puts me in a bad place. It was night time, and i was upset and crying. Daddy layed me down on the bed and told me to close my eyes. As i layed there, i felt His hands, not touching me, but passing over me. His hands pased over me again, and again, and slowly i felt all the tension ease from my body. i felt my body go limp as the last of my energy passed from my body into His hands and i fell into a restful sleep.
It never fails to amaze me when Daddy is able to say the word cum and i respond. There have been times when He has called me at work and said that one word and my body has responded. At those times i am glad that there are cubicle walls between my co-workers and i, and i have learned to be very, very quiet.
There are people who do not believe us when Daddy or i tell them i am able to cum on command. And other people want to "watch", like i am some freak in a circus side show. In the long run however, all that really matters is that Daddy and i know that the connection is there. What others think and feel makes no difference.
The first time this happened, we were out and about. Daddy has a habit of touching me while we are driving. He likes for me to wear a skirt without panties, of course, and on this particular day that is what i had on. i have always been very shy about these semi-public displays, but at the same time i get pretty excited. So, we had completed our last stop and we were on our way home, which living where we did at the time was a fairly long drive. Daddy had been touching and teasing me all day, and i was quickly becoming a puddle of goo. Then out of the blue, Daddy softly stroked His fingers up my arm and said "Cum"....miraculously i did.
At first i wasn't sure what had happened. It seemed impossible that i had just cum from having my arm stroked. Daddy says at the time He wasn't sure if what He did would work, but He knew i was fairly receptive to His energy, He just wasn't sure how receptive. From that time on He knew for sure.
Part of the reason Daddy felt i would be able to cum on command was because He had done some energy work with me prior to that. He would have me close my eyes, or would come up behind me when i was unaware, and when He held His hand 1/2 inch or so above my skin, i would react. Over and over again, i vowed that i didn't feel anything, but the truth was and is, when He does this i feel His energy flow through me.
From that day forward, anytime Daddy would lightly touch my arm and command "cum", i would. Then we started working with just the word, and to my surprise and shock, i was able to cum simply from the command.
Since that time, with much coaxing from Daddy, i have accepted and acknowledged that we do have the connection. i don't know why the thought of feeling His energy frightened me so much. Every time He would do something having to do with energy exchange i would tell Him i didn't "really" feel it, or it was all in my mind. Then came the day when He made it all "so real" to me.
Some of the details of this day are a little unclear to me. i was really upset about something, i believe i was arguing with my mom, which always puts me in a bad place. It was night time, and i was upset and crying. Daddy layed me down on the bed and told me to close my eyes. As i layed there, i felt His hands, not touching me, but passing over me. His hands pased over me again, and again, and slowly i felt all the tension ease from my body. i felt my body go limp as the last of my energy passed from my body into His hands and i fell into a restful sleep.
It never fails to amaze me when Daddy is able to say the word cum and i respond. There have been times when He has called me at work and said that one word and my body has responded. At those times i am glad that there are cubicle walls between my co-workers and i, and i have learned to be very, very quiet.
There are people who do not believe us when Daddy or i tell them i am able to cum on command. And other people want to "watch", like i am some freak in a circus side show. In the long run however, all that really matters is that Daddy and i know that the connection is there. What others think and feel makes no difference.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Let The Games Begin
Last night was really a lot of fun. Daddy decided He wanted to play, and we did two of my very favorite activities, Fire Play and Wax Play. : D.
We don't often get a chance to play during the week, but we had missed a chance to go to a small party Saturday night, because i was running a fever and Daddy said we couldn't go. So, by last night, we both really wanted to play, and i was asking Daddy some questions about Fire Flogging (something we have never done.)
i absolutely love Fire Play, and was so excited when Daddy put together His own Fire Play set. If you've never experienced Fire Play, it can sound kind of scary, but it is such a rush. If done correctly, it does not hurt, you just feel this warmth rushing over your skin. Daddy has two fire wands, and He uses Wintergreen Alcohol which smells so good. During Fire Play, alcohol is rubbed over part of the body with one wand, (they have tips made with gauze) and the second wand is dipped in the alcohol and lit on fire. That fire is then touched to the alcohol, which burns off almost immediately. If the fire doesn't go out right away the person who is controlling the fire will run their hand over the area, and that will put the fire out. One time i had Fire Play done where the Top used Flash Cotton. It was very intense. Daddy was not the one playing me that time, but He was right there as He always is if someone else is playing me, and He said as soon as the Flash Cotton went off i started to giggle like crazy. It was really cool. Flash Cotton is something magicians use. When lit, it flashes brightly and then goes out. The time i had it used on me, the Top started at my ankle, and ran a piece of the cotton all the way up and over and around my left breast. When He lit it, starting at my ankle, it burned almost all at once. i can't quite describe the way it feels.
After Daddy was finished with the Fire Play, He decided to do Wax Play, but not in a way we had ever done it before. Usually He lights a white taper candle and drips the hot wax onto my body. Last night He melted some of the big, colored religious candles, and after the wax was melted, He poured it into His hands, and smeared it all over my chest in layers. It was hot in places, but it felt really good. When He had several layers on my chest and it had completely hardened, He used His large curved knife to peel the wax off my body. By the time He was done, i was flying. i guess i should have said that last night we did three of my favorite activities, because i also love knife play, lol.
Daddy and i are not what i would call "edge players". There are couples that play much harder, or more intensely than we do, but some of the activities we do, fall under the edge play category. Things like Fire Play and Knife Play. We also do cutting once in a while. Daddy likes this much more than i do, i let Him cut me because it gives Him pleasure. Daddy has tried Breath Play with me at times, but that is something i still struggle with. Each time i tell myself that i am going to relax, but as my air gets cut off i start to struggle. Daddy doesn't push me on this. i did try needle play once. It was OK, but it didn't really do anything for me. Daddy wasn't the one who did it, and i only had two needles put in. We will probably do that again in the future. Daddy also has a Medical Staple Gun. He has put a couple of staples in my arm before. Some people will have 6 or 8 staples placed in two straight lines, and will lace ribbons between them in a criss cross pattern. This looks really pretty. i even know one submissive that has had her pussy lips stapled together.
Another activity i really enjoy is cupping. There are two ways to do cupping. One is Mechanical Cupping, and one is Fire Cupping, that is the one i like, big surprise right, lol. Cupping is an activity where cups are attached to a person's back with suction. In Fire Cupping, this is done, by placing a small piece of leather on the back, placing a piece of cotton soaked in alcohol on top of that, and lighting it. While it is lit, a small cup (like a votive holder) is placed over the whole thing and this causes a suction effect. To get these cups off, the suction has to be broken. You end up with these awesome circular bruises on your back. Some people will pair cupping with sliding, where the cups are slid around on the back before the cups are removed, i have never tried this.
There are a lot of fun activities Daddy and i do together. We don't get to play as often as we would like some times, but when we do we both really enjoy it.
We don't often get a chance to play during the week, but we had missed a chance to go to a small party Saturday night, because i was running a fever and Daddy said we couldn't go. So, by last night, we both really wanted to play, and i was asking Daddy some questions about Fire Flogging (something we have never done.)
i absolutely love Fire Play, and was so excited when Daddy put together His own Fire Play set. If you've never experienced Fire Play, it can sound kind of scary, but it is such a rush. If done correctly, it does not hurt, you just feel this warmth rushing over your skin. Daddy has two fire wands, and He uses Wintergreen Alcohol which smells so good. During Fire Play, alcohol is rubbed over part of the body with one wand, (they have tips made with gauze) and the second wand is dipped in the alcohol and lit on fire. That fire is then touched to the alcohol, which burns off almost immediately. If the fire doesn't go out right away the person who is controlling the fire will run their hand over the area, and that will put the fire out. One time i had Fire Play done where the Top used Flash Cotton. It was very intense. Daddy was not the one playing me that time, but He was right there as He always is if someone else is playing me, and He said as soon as the Flash Cotton went off i started to giggle like crazy. It was really cool. Flash Cotton is something magicians use. When lit, it flashes brightly and then goes out. The time i had it used on me, the Top started at my ankle, and ran a piece of the cotton all the way up and over and around my left breast. When He lit it, starting at my ankle, it burned almost all at once. i can't quite describe the way it feels.
After Daddy was finished with the Fire Play, He decided to do Wax Play, but not in a way we had ever done it before. Usually He lights a white taper candle and drips the hot wax onto my body. Last night He melted some of the big, colored religious candles, and after the wax was melted, He poured it into His hands, and smeared it all over my chest in layers. It was hot in places, but it felt really good. When He had several layers on my chest and it had completely hardened, He used His large curved knife to peel the wax off my body. By the time He was done, i was flying. i guess i should have said that last night we did three of my favorite activities, because i also love knife play, lol.
Daddy and i are not what i would call "edge players". There are couples that play much harder, or more intensely than we do, but some of the activities we do, fall under the edge play category. Things like Fire Play and Knife Play. We also do cutting once in a while. Daddy likes this much more than i do, i let Him cut me because it gives Him pleasure. Daddy has tried Breath Play with me at times, but that is something i still struggle with. Each time i tell myself that i am going to relax, but as my air gets cut off i start to struggle. Daddy doesn't push me on this. i did try needle play once. It was OK, but it didn't really do anything for me. Daddy wasn't the one who did it, and i only had two needles put in. We will probably do that again in the future. Daddy also has a Medical Staple Gun. He has put a couple of staples in my arm before. Some people will have 6 or 8 staples placed in two straight lines, and will lace ribbons between them in a criss cross pattern. This looks really pretty. i even know one submissive that has had her pussy lips stapled together.
Another activity i really enjoy is cupping. There are two ways to do cupping. One is Mechanical Cupping, and one is Fire Cupping, that is the one i like, big surprise right, lol. Cupping is an activity where cups are attached to a person's back with suction. In Fire Cupping, this is done, by placing a small piece of leather on the back, placing a piece of cotton soaked in alcohol on top of that, and lighting it. While it is lit, a small cup (like a votive holder) is placed over the whole thing and this causes a suction effect. To get these cups off, the suction has to be broken. You end up with these awesome circular bruises on your back. Some people will pair cupping with sliding, where the cups are slid around on the back before the cups are removed, i have never tried this.
There are a lot of fun activities Daddy and i do together. We don't get to play as often as we would like some times, but when we do we both really enjoy it.
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