Last night i logged into an Alternative Lifestyle site that i frequent and i noticed a new profile. It turned out that this profile was written by a friend of mine, who up until recently was in a 24/7 relationship with someone. They bought a home not long ago. i was surprised to see this and ended up contacting a mutual friend and asking her what was going on and how my friend was. When she told me that they had seperated, i felt really sad.
Everyone's relationship is different. Whether you live a D/s relationship, an M/s relationship or something else, your relationship is never exactly like another, even if the "title" is the same. what works for one relationship, definitely does not work for other relationships. And, sometimes you try something in a relationship that you think will work well for you and it so doesn't.
For my friend, the begining of the end was when her Dom decided that He wanted a poly relationship. my friend was willing to try this, and they found another submissive that they thought would be a nice fit with their relationship. It turns out she wasn't. Or maybe their relationship was not strong enough to handle a poly relationship, or just maybe, my friend was trying to do this to please her Dom and ended up hurting herself.
Polyamory is a touchy subject for many people. Some think it is just wrong. Some are intrigued by it, but have never tried it. It can be an occassional thing, or lived 24/7 like other aspects of the lifestyle. There are people that enjoy it and wouldn't want to live any other way, and there are some couples that think it will add spice to their relationship. Some submissives agree to it because it is what their Doms want.
Many submissives do this. Not only with poly relationships, but with any major change in their relationship that their Dom decides to make, they go along with it whether they want it or not. Some do it because they want to please their Dominant and some are not given any choice in the matter.
A poly relationship, is not, in my opinion something that can taken lightly or started without a great deal of thought and discussion. Especially if the members of this relationship are all going to live together. Submissives in this situation fall into three groups. For the first group it is any easy transition, they are just adding another person to their already happy relationship. Those in the second group might be all for it in the begining, but they find out there is a lot of competition, or jealousy between the two submissives, or they find out that the person they bring into the relationship is someone they are not compatible with. The last group are the submissives that really don't want to be in a poly relationship. They may find out they enjoy this new aspect of their relationship, or it might turn out being something that is not good for their relationship, as in the case of my friend.
She is not the only friend i have who is or has been part of a poly relationship. i have one friend who has recently started a relationship with a Dom who made no secret about the fact that they would be poly. They do not live together and He has told her they are not boyfriend/girlfriend, they are D/s. A few weeks later He added a second girl. This girl already has a boyfriend that she lives with, and the Dom sees her merely as a sex toy. Now, He has added a third woman (i say woman instead of girl or submissive because she is not a submissive) to their relationship. This woman He considers His girlfriend. She is not in the lifestlye, but realizes He is and is okay with it. My friend says she is happy. she knew what she was getting into from the begining, and decided it was a relationship she wanted to enter into. While i make it a policy not to judge anyone or they way they live, i could never live that way. i would be very unhappy.
Another submissive i know, i don't consider her a friend, involved herself in a relationship with a couple who had been together for six years. This sub and the Dom went out of town together and she asked Him to marry her. They got married without consulting the other submissive who was under the impression that she and the Dom would one day get married. They wanted the other submissive to stay in the relationship, but she chose not to.
Polyamory is not for everyone. Some people really like it, some people have bad experiences and hate it, and some people are merely intrigued by it. Everyone it seems has an opinion about it.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Night One of my New Life
The first night i spent with Daddy was to say the least "interesting", to say the most it was terrifying, exciting, and unreal, all at the same time.
When we got to our hotel room, i perched on the very end of an easy chair, and Daddy proceeded to bring out His toy bag and show me all the toys (implements) that He brought with Him. i was still trembling. He finally coaxed me over to sit on the bed with Him while He explained what each toy was for and how it felt. i was allowed to pick them up, swing them aroud, and even smell them if i wanted (i didn't).
We had dinner reservations for that evening, but since it was still early, and i was starting to relax a little bit, Daddy decided we should play for a while. We didn't do anything extreme, just some light play, getting me used to the toys and the way they felt. We also had sex, and that was where i made a small mistake. my first mistake, but certainly not my last. He told me i could not cum without asking for permission. This was not something i was used to, and suddenly the feelings overtook me and i came, without permission. He told me that was a cause for punishment, i was mortified, here it was our first meeting and i was so bad i already needed punishment. But, He was very kind. i got one swat from His little wooden paddle. It hurt, but it was not anything i couldn't deal with.
When we got up, it was time to get ready to go out for dinner. He had instructed me to bring a dress for dinner, which i did, and He had me wear it without panties. This was a first for me.
He asked me before we met what kind of food i liked. i told Him Italian, so He went on-line and found this tiny little hole in the wall Italian restaurant with the BEST food. We took the hotel shuttle over. He had even arranged for us to have a private room for the evening. Everything was perfect. We had a wonderful meal, that ended with flourless chocolate cake, it was awesome.
We called for the shuttle to come pick us up, i had developed a bit of a headache, so He had the driver stop at a gas station on the way back so He could get me some aspirin.
We got back to the hotel and decided to sit in the hot tub. Unfortunately, the hot tub was a little cool. We swam a little bit, then went back to our room. We talked, and played some more. Later on we ordered room service. In the middle of the night Daddy got sick. He was running a fever, and throwing up. I took care of Him as best as i could (i'm a nurse). He later told me this was one way He knew it would work out between us, because most people if a person got sick on the first date would run.
The next morning we both had to go back home. Daddy was feeling better and He took me out for brunch. ( We ate a lot on this date, didn't we?) We had talked and decided that i would move in with Him. This was not a huge suprise to either of us, because we had discussed it before we ever met. It was decided that i would go home and look for a job. We figured it would take me about a month before i could move, which was fine, because He was scheduled to take a camping trip with friends, and to see His son. He was going to be gone for two weeks.
So, i drove home, already missing Him like crazy. i had a lot to think about, like finding a job, and breaking it to my Mom that i was moving out, but like i said, we figured she would have about a month to get used to the idea, and i would have time to pack my things. Sometimes the best laid plans don't quite work out the way you think they will.
When we got to our hotel room, i perched on the very end of an easy chair, and Daddy proceeded to bring out His toy bag and show me all the toys (implements) that He brought with Him. i was still trembling. He finally coaxed me over to sit on the bed with Him while He explained what each toy was for and how it felt. i was allowed to pick them up, swing them aroud, and even smell them if i wanted (i didn't).
We had dinner reservations for that evening, but since it was still early, and i was starting to relax a little bit, Daddy decided we should play for a while. We didn't do anything extreme, just some light play, getting me used to the toys and the way they felt. We also had sex, and that was where i made a small mistake. my first mistake, but certainly not my last. He told me i could not cum without asking for permission. This was not something i was used to, and suddenly the feelings overtook me and i came, without permission. He told me that was a cause for punishment, i was mortified, here it was our first meeting and i was so bad i already needed punishment. But, He was very kind. i got one swat from His little wooden paddle. It hurt, but it was not anything i couldn't deal with.
When we got up, it was time to get ready to go out for dinner. He had instructed me to bring a dress for dinner, which i did, and He had me wear it without panties. This was a first for me.
He asked me before we met what kind of food i liked. i told Him Italian, so He went on-line and found this tiny little hole in the wall Italian restaurant with the BEST food. We took the hotel shuttle over. He had even arranged for us to have a private room for the evening. Everything was perfect. We had a wonderful meal, that ended with flourless chocolate cake, it was awesome.
We called for the shuttle to come pick us up, i had developed a bit of a headache, so He had the driver stop at a gas station on the way back so He could get me some aspirin.
We got back to the hotel and decided to sit in the hot tub. Unfortunately, the hot tub was a little cool. We swam a little bit, then went back to our room. We talked, and played some more. Later on we ordered room service. In the middle of the night Daddy got sick. He was running a fever, and throwing up. I took care of Him as best as i could (i'm a nurse). He later told me this was one way He knew it would work out between us, because most people if a person got sick on the first date would run.
The next morning we both had to go back home. Daddy was feeling better and He took me out for brunch. ( We ate a lot on this date, didn't we?) We had talked and decided that i would move in with Him. This was not a huge suprise to either of us, because we had discussed it before we ever met. It was decided that i would go home and look for a job. We figured it would take me about a month before i could move, which was fine, because He was scheduled to take a camping trip with friends, and to see His son. He was going to be gone for two weeks.
So, i drove home, already missing Him like crazy. i had a lot to think about, like finding a job, and breaking it to my Mom that i was moving out, but like i said, we figured she would have about a month to get used to the idea, and i would have time to pack my things. Sometimes the best laid plans don't quite work out the way you think they will.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
A Huge Error in Judgement
Yesterday was a very hard day for me, although it didn't start out that way. Daddy and i went with another couple we know to a quaint little town not far from home for lunch and some shopping. We had a really good time, and Daddy bought me some very nice things. It was after we got home and our friends left that the day started to unravel.
Daddy and i were playing around, and then Daddy started to make me do something i really dislike, Daddy knows i dislike this, it will actually make me cry, but Daddy does deserve to get things from me at times whether i like them or not. This is part of being a good submissive and serving my Daddy. i want Him to be pleased with meed So, He was making me do this thing, and next He wants me to not ony say i liked it, but to actually beg for it. This is hard for me to do. i don't like to ask for things i don't really want, i feel like it is dishonest to do that, but Daddy likes to make me ask for things i don't want from time to time. This is one way that He shows His control over me.
i asked Daddy to do this thing that i hate and He did. He asked me if i was getting excited, and i said yes, He asked me if i wanted to cum, and i said yes. He told me to cum, and asked me if i was cumming, and i said yes. The problem is, i lied. i was not excited, i did not feel like cumming, and i did not cum. i said these things simply because i wanted to please Daddy, even though He has told me that lying is the worst thing i can do. i wasn't really trying to lie, i was trying to please Him.
Daddy has told me in the past that there are things He likes to do, that i don't like and if i can't do these things for Him, He will need to find someone who will. This strikes terror in my heart. Daddy says if He finds someone He can play with, she will not replace me, that i will still be His submissive, the one He collared, the one He comes home to. But, i have a lot of trouble with insecurity. i think most other submissives are better than i am. i fear that if Daddy starts playing with someone else, it will just be a matter of time before He realizes how lacking i am, and how much He wants to replace me.
Later on we were sitting on the couch, i was reading and Daddy was working on the computer. Daddy has hooked a computer to our big screen TV, so He is able to sit on the couch an work on the computer. Daddy said when He was done He would take me to dinner. He finished up and we went out and had a nice dinner and talked. We talked about the things i don't like to do, and Him playing with others. i don't like to think of those things.
We got home and went to bed. Daddy wanted to read, but i was sleepy. We layed down, and started talking. Daddy asked me if i was really excited earlier and i shook my head no, then He asked if i came and again i shook my head no. He said, "Then you lied to me?" i said yes. He asked if i knew the punishment for lying, i thought i might know, but i wasn't sure and what i thought about made my blood run cold, so i said i wasn't sure. Daddy told me this was the one and only time i would get away with this, and that it could and next time would cost me my collar. By this time i was sobbing uncontrollably. He then told me to pick a nimber between 1 and 40. i chose 18. He said OK, you will get 18 strokes with the Dragontail (my most feared toy, and the one we use only for punishment) for lying. He also talked about possibly banishing me from our bed and from our room for 18 nights. He said i would be confined to my office, the hall bathroom, the kitchen and the spare room for 18 days. He would not even speak to me. i thank God He did not decide to do that. i can't handle being ignored, and denied His company. He asked me why i lied and i tried to explain it, but He said there was no excuse for lying and that i know that. He's right. i do know that, He told me that from the begining
Neither one of us could sleep. i was crying and Daddy just couldn't sleep, so Daddy said we should get up and play cards. i played badly, i was unable to concentrate and kept crying. Daddy acted like everything was normal. Finally we went back to bed, and when i couldn't take it anymore i told Him i would rather He yell at me instead of acting polite and like nothing was wrong when i knew He was mad at me. He got up, but did not yell. He decided to punish me then and there instead of waiting a while as He had planned. He ended up using the Tawse (my second most feared toy) instead of the Dragontail, and made me count. He was not being gentle, and by the time we got to five i was crying and was sure i wouldn't make it to 18, but i did. Then He started to paddle me. i felt like i was dying, but as much as it hurt, (and believe me it hurt more that anything i have ever felt) when it was over i felt a little better because i had been punished for what i did. When i was able to stop crying, i asked Daddy if He would ever forgive me. He said i was already forgiven, but the trust between us was gone. That was like a knife in my heart. He said i will have to work very hard to get the trust back. He did, however, let me curl up to Him and go to sleep.
Today i have still been weepy. Daddy asks why. How do i explain that is a combination of knowing that He is mad at me and knowing that He does not trust me completely. i love Daddy so much, and i don't like to have Him mad at me. That to me is a punishment in itself knowing He is mad at me. i also can't stand it that He doesn't trust me. i am going to do everything i can to make this up to Him, and to earn back His trust, but i know it will take time.
Daddy and i were playing around, and then Daddy started to make me do something i really dislike, Daddy knows i dislike this, it will actually make me cry, but Daddy does deserve to get things from me at times whether i like them or not. This is part of being a good submissive and serving my Daddy. i want Him to be pleased with meed So, He was making me do this thing, and next He wants me to not ony say i liked it, but to actually beg for it. This is hard for me to do. i don't like to ask for things i don't really want, i feel like it is dishonest to do that, but Daddy likes to make me ask for things i don't want from time to time. This is one way that He shows His control over me.
i asked Daddy to do this thing that i hate and He did. He asked me if i was getting excited, and i said yes, He asked me if i wanted to cum, and i said yes. He told me to cum, and asked me if i was cumming, and i said yes. The problem is, i lied. i was not excited, i did not feel like cumming, and i did not cum. i said these things simply because i wanted to please Daddy, even though He has told me that lying is the worst thing i can do. i wasn't really trying to lie, i was trying to please Him.
Daddy has told me in the past that there are things He likes to do, that i don't like and if i can't do these things for Him, He will need to find someone who will. This strikes terror in my heart. Daddy says if He finds someone He can play with, she will not replace me, that i will still be His submissive, the one He collared, the one He comes home to. But, i have a lot of trouble with insecurity. i think most other submissives are better than i am. i fear that if Daddy starts playing with someone else, it will just be a matter of time before He realizes how lacking i am, and how much He wants to replace me.
Later on we were sitting on the couch, i was reading and Daddy was working on the computer. Daddy has hooked a computer to our big screen TV, so He is able to sit on the couch an work on the computer. Daddy said when He was done He would take me to dinner. He finished up and we went out and had a nice dinner and talked. We talked about the things i don't like to do, and Him playing with others. i don't like to think of those things.
We got home and went to bed. Daddy wanted to read, but i was sleepy. We layed down, and started talking. Daddy asked me if i was really excited earlier and i shook my head no, then He asked if i came and again i shook my head no. He said, "Then you lied to me?" i said yes. He asked if i knew the punishment for lying, i thought i might know, but i wasn't sure and what i thought about made my blood run cold, so i said i wasn't sure. Daddy told me this was the one and only time i would get away with this, and that it could and next time would cost me my collar. By this time i was sobbing uncontrollably. He then told me to pick a nimber between 1 and 40. i chose 18. He said OK, you will get 18 strokes with the Dragontail (my most feared toy, and the one we use only for punishment) for lying. He also talked about possibly banishing me from our bed and from our room for 18 nights. He said i would be confined to my office, the hall bathroom, the kitchen and the spare room for 18 days. He would not even speak to me. i thank God He did not decide to do that. i can't handle being ignored, and denied His company. He asked me why i lied and i tried to explain it, but He said there was no excuse for lying and that i know that. He's right. i do know that, He told me that from the begining
Neither one of us could sleep. i was crying and Daddy just couldn't sleep, so Daddy said we should get up and play cards. i played badly, i was unable to concentrate and kept crying. Daddy acted like everything was normal. Finally we went back to bed, and when i couldn't take it anymore i told Him i would rather He yell at me instead of acting polite and like nothing was wrong when i knew He was mad at me. He got up, but did not yell. He decided to punish me then and there instead of waiting a while as He had planned. He ended up using the Tawse (my second most feared toy) instead of the Dragontail, and made me count. He was not being gentle, and by the time we got to five i was crying and was sure i wouldn't make it to 18, but i did. Then He started to paddle me. i felt like i was dying, but as much as it hurt, (and believe me it hurt more that anything i have ever felt) when it was over i felt a little better because i had been punished for what i did. When i was able to stop crying, i asked Daddy if He would ever forgive me. He said i was already forgiven, but the trust between us was gone. That was like a knife in my heart. He said i will have to work very hard to get the trust back. He did, however, let me curl up to Him and go to sleep.
Today i have still been weepy. Daddy asks why. How do i explain that is a combination of knowing that He is mad at me and knowing that He does not trust me completely. i love Daddy so much, and i don't like to have Him mad at me. That to me is a punishment in itself knowing He is mad at me. i also can't stand it that He doesn't trust me. i am going to do everything i can to make this up to Him, and to earn back His trust, but i know it will take time.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Limitless Limits
One thing every submissive has to figure out before he/she can negotiate a scene is limits. When you are a new submissive it can be hard to know what your limits are. i know the first time i was asked what mine were i responded that i didn't know enough yet to have predetermined limits. As you play, you learn what you like and what you don't like. Any Dom that does not allow limits should be avoided.
Limits fall into two categories. There are soft limits and there are hard limits. Soft limits are things that may be negotiable. Things that maybe you don't like now, but think you may like in the future, or things that you fear, but that intrigue you and that you may be able to do at a later time. Hard limits are non-negotiable. They are things that are absolutely, without a doubt NO.
However, most Doms will push your limits. This is a good thing. It helps you grow. And sometimes a limit that you were sure was a hard limit will become a soft limit or not a limit at all.
Once i determined what my limits were, i had many. now, i have very few. There are also some things that i don't like that much, but that i do or have done to me because it pleases my Dom. One of these things is cutting. Now, i like knife play, play where a knife is glided along my body, and occassionally the sharp point is pressed lightly into my skin. But, cutting is different. It is just what it sounds like. Letters or designs are cut into my skin. These scar as they heal, and the marks are visible for some time. My Dom is very careful to cut me only in areas where they will not show.
While we are on the subject of limits, i think it is important to also discuss "safe words". Safe words are words that are used when play becomes too intense or when something is uncomfortable and play needs to stop, even if only temporarily. My Dom and i have two safe words, they are yellow and red. Yellow means that something is starting to get uncomfortable and needs to be eased up or a new implement needs to be used. Red means that whatever is happening has to stop RIGHT NOW! This doesn't necessarily mean that all play needs to stop, it may mean that, or it may mean that whatever is going on has stop, but that play can continue.
You should never be afraid or too proud to use your safe words. i used to have that problem. i was too proud to use my safe words because i didn't want to disappoint my Dom or look like a light player (this was especially true at parties). My Dom kept tellling my how silly it was to feel that way, that was the reason He had given me the safe words in the first place. At times when He knew i was being stubborn He would "force" me to safe word by doing things He knew i wasn't ready for. As time has gone by, the need for safe words has become less and less. Part of the reason for that is because my Dom knows me and how much i can take. He can tell by my body language when i am close to my limit. Another reason is because i can take more now than i could in the begining.
Any Dom who doesn't allow you to have a safe word or who does not honor them when you use them is someone you should not play with. Safe words are a part of the SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) part of BDSM. Most people in the BDSM lifestyle play by this code. If someone doesn't play by this code, especially when you are just starting out, you may want to reconsider whether or not you want to play with them.
Limits fall into two categories. There are soft limits and there are hard limits. Soft limits are things that may be negotiable. Things that maybe you don't like now, but think you may like in the future, or things that you fear, but that intrigue you and that you may be able to do at a later time. Hard limits are non-negotiable. They are things that are absolutely, without a doubt NO.
However, most Doms will push your limits. This is a good thing. It helps you grow. And sometimes a limit that you were sure was a hard limit will become a soft limit or not a limit at all.
Once i determined what my limits were, i had many. now, i have very few. There are also some things that i don't like that much, but that i do or have done to me because it pleases my Dom. One of these things is cutting. Now, i like knife play, play where a knife is glided along my body, and occassionally the sharp point is pressed lightly into my skin. But, cutting is different. It is just what it sounds like. Letters or designs are cut into my skin. These scar as they heal, and the marks are visible for some time. My Dom is very careful to cut me only in areas where they will not show.
While we are on the subject of limits, i think it is important to also discuss "safe words". Safe words are words that are used when play becomes too intense or when something is uncomfortable and play needs to stop, even if only temporarily. My Dom and i have two safe words, they are yellow and red. Yellow means that something is starting to get uncomfortable and needs to be eased up or a new implement needs to be used. Red means that whatever is happening has to stop RIGHT NOW! This doesn't necessarily mean that all play needs to stop, it may mean that, or it may mean that whatever is going on has stop, but that play can continue.
You should never be afraid or too proud to use your safe words. i used to have that problem. i was too proud to use my safe words because i didn't want to disappoint my Dom or look like a light player (this was especially true at parties). My Dom kept tellling my how silly it was to feel that way, that was the reason He had given me the safe words in the first place. At times when He knew i was being stubborn He would "force" me to safe word by doing things He knew i wasn't ready for. As time has gone by, the need for safe words has become less and less. Part of the reason for that is because my Dom knows me and how much i can take. He can tell by my body language when i am close to my limit. Another reason is because i can take more now than i could in the begining.
Any Dom who doesn't allow you to have a safe word or who does not honor them when you use them is someone you should not play with. Safe words are a part of the SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) part of BDSM. Most people in the BDSM lifestyle play by this code. If someone doesn't play by this code, especially when you are just starting out, you may want to reconsider whether or not you want to play with them.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Submitting in The Real World
Living a submissive lifestyle while existing in the real world cab be difficult. A lot of the things you do at home do not seem appropriate in a public setting. But, there are ways to live in the real world while maintaining your submission, it just takes some thought and comprimise.
Very few people outside of the lifestyle (especially my family) know that i live as a submissive, or that we live an alternative lifestyle. This information would be very difficult for my Mother to deal with, or understand. So, when we are with our families or any other vanilla (not lifestyle) group my Dom has given me permission to use His proper name instead of Sir or Daddy (we do a lot of age play). There are times when i still call Him Sir, even in Vanilla settings, it is that ingrained in my mind. Since we live in the south, it is usually not looked on too strangely, but the time i did it in front of my Mother, she looked at me like i was crazy.
My Dom does not let me open doors for myself when we go out. Again we live in the South, so it is not unusual to see a man opening a door for a lady. Some Doms may want their subs to open the door for them, but no matter who opens the door for whom, it really shouldn't raise too many eyebrows, often in the real world it is just whoever reaches the door first.
When we go out to a restaurant, my Dom generally orders for me, after deciding what i will have. This occassionally puzzles the waiter or waitress, but they usually take it in stride. If we are with our families, however, or anyone else who would find this odd, i will order for myself. i also do not take a bite of food or a sip of drink until He has. This has never been an issue, because most people don't even notice it.
When i am out alone, my Dom expects me to act as i would if He were with me. This means act like a lady, no swearing, and when i make decisions make the decision He would approve of. He often tells me that i have to be able to function in the real world without Him by my side, but with the rules He has provided. He does not want a sub he has to tell to breathe.
He allows me to alter my choice of clothing based on the situation. Normally i am required to go without a bra or panties, but if i am going to church or some other formal function He does allow me to wear these items.
While my Dom has been known to swat me on the behind in public, He is not obvious about it, and we refrain from that type of contact if we are somewhere where children are present or where it would be otherwise inappropriate if it were witnessed.
Basically, being lifestyle in the real world just calls for common sense. Many things you do won't be noticed by most people if you don't draw attention to them. For things that are a little less mainstream, you just need to decide how to behave based on where you are. He would never swat me in church, at a formal affair, or anywhere that there are kids present; if we are somewhere else, He may swat me, but it will not be obvious. He will not bend me over or whip out a paddle. It will just be a quick swat that many people won't even see. So that is the key, don't draw undue attention to your actions and in most cases, you will be fine.
Very few people outside of the lifestyle (especially my family) know that i live as a submissive, or that we live an alternative lifestyle. This information would be very difficult for my Mother to deal with, or understand. So, when we are with our families or any other vanilla (not lifestyle) group my Dom has given me permission to use His proper name instead of Sir or Daddy (we do a lot of age play). There are times when i still call Him Sir, even in Vanilla settings, it is that ingrained in my mind. Since we live in the south, it is usually not looked on too strangely, but the time i did it in front of my Mother, she looked at me like i was crazy.
My Dom does not let me open doors for myself when we go out. Again we live in the South, so it is not unusual to see a man opening a door for a lady. Some Doms may want their subs to open the door for them, but no matter who opens the door for whom, it really shouldn't raise too many eyebrows, often in the real world it is just whoever reaches the door first.
When we go out to a restaurant, my Dom generally orders for me, after deciding what i will have. This occassionally puzzles the waiter or waitress, but they usually take it in stride. If we are with our families, however, or anyone else who would find this odd, i will order for myself. i also do not take a bite of food or a sip of drink until He has. This has never been an issue, because most people don't even notice it.
When i am out alone, my Dom expects me to act as i would if He were with me. This means act like a lady, no swearing, and when i make decisions make the decision He would approve of. He often tells me that i have to be able to function in the real world without Him by my side, but with the rules He has provided. He does not want a sub he has to tell to breathe.
He allows me to alter my choice of clothing based on the situation. Normally i am required to go without a bra or panties, but if i am going to church or some other formal function He does allow me to wear these items.
While my Dom has been known to swat me on the behind in public, He is not obvious about it, and we refrain from that type of contact if we are somewhere where children are present or where it would be otherwise inappropriate if it were witnessed.
Basically, being lifestyle in the real world just calls for common sense. Many things you do won't be noticed by most people if you don't draw attention to them. For things that are a little less mainstream, you just need to decide how to behave based on where you are. He would never swat me in church, at a formal affair, or anywhere that there are kids present; if we are somewhere else, He may swat me, but it will not be obvious. He will not bend me over or whip out a paddle. It will just be a quick swat that many people won't even see. So that is the key, don't draw undue attention to your actions and in most cases, you will be fine.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Do's and Don'ts for a first meeting.
OK, i have talked enough about my journey so far. Today i am going to talk about something a bit different. Things you should and should not do on a first meeting, and also some Red Flags to be aware of when talking to a Dom.
Before your first meeting:
1. Get as much information as you can, this may include: the person's full name, address, phone number, cell number, vehicle type and license plate number.
2. Make sure someone you trust has this information, and tell them where you are going to be.
3. Set-up a Safe Call. Someone who will notify the authorities if you don't call them when you say you will, or you can ask someone to call you about 20 minutes after you are supposed to meet someone, this will if necessary give you an out. You may want to implement both of these.
4. Don't meet with someone after only one or two conversations. Make sure you have e-mailed, IM'd and/or talked on the phone enough that you have some rapport and a level of trust set-up.
5. In the begining, DO NOT give out your phone number to someone. Ask them to let you call them, then block your phone number from showing up on their phone.
During you first meeting:
1. If at all possible, you should meet in a public place.
2. Don't be alone with this person until you are sure you can trust them and are in no danger.
3. It is usually not a good idea to "play"(play is the activities you do with someone, activities may or may not include sex, and may include flogging, spanking, paddling or other activities as negotiated by the parties involved.) on a first meeting.
4. Do negotiate your "play" if you plan to meet again.
5. Do make your Safe Call, do may sure the person you are with knows you will be making a Safe Call or calls if the evening is going to be long, and do use your friend calling as an out if things are not going well.
6. Do listen to your gut. If something seems wrong, it probably is.
7. Don't be pressured into going somewhere less public if you are not comfortable.
Red Flags
A red flag is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person. These can pop up at any time, but most often at the begining of a relationship. These may be obvious or subtle.
1. Inappropriate questions or comments during your initial conversation. Things like: What are you wearing? What do you look like? Do you want to play? or asking for your phone number immediately. These questions have nothing to do with D/s, but may indicate the person is looking for cyber, phone, or just kinky sex.
2. Moving to quickly. In a hurry to start a relationship, or moving more quickly than you are comfortable with. Trust needs to be developed and can't be rushed.
3. Inappropriate attitude. Bow down and worship me! Those who act as if every submissive must obey every so called Dom and begin giving orders from the word go.
4. Safety violations. Reluctance to give you a Safe Word (a word you can use to stop play at any time if you are uncomfortable or things become too intense. A good Dom will stop play immediately upon hearing this word and check to see what is wrong) or to have safety precautions in place.
5. Lack of communication. If the person is reluctant to discuss something pay attention. Or, if you are told you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone or go somewhere. (Do not let a Dom prevent you from seeing friends or family.)
6. A persistent bad reputation, or unwilling to provide you with references.
7. Frequent inconsistencies. Making contradictory statements. If a person has trouble remembering what they told you from one day to the next, it could be they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.
8. Refusal to give you a picture. This could be because they are married or in a relationship, or it could be because they are not what they say they are.
***Remember: Always trust your gut***
Note: My Dom has told me that i should mention why i always refer to myself with a lower case i. This is something that is frequently done in BDSM. Doms names are Capitalized. Also any pronouns used to describe them such as He, or Him are also Capitalized. submissives names on the other hand usually start with a lower case letter as do pronouns such as i. Some people will even go so far as using a Capital and lower case letter when referring to the couple together such as W/we or U/us. This is not wrong if it works for them, but i find that type of writing bogs me down and i do not do that.
Before your first meeting:
1. Get as much information as you can, this may include: the person's full name, address, phone number, cell number, vehicle type and license plate number.
2. Make sure someone you trust has this information, and tell them where you are going to be.
3. Set-up a Safe Call. Someone who will notify the authorities if you don't call them when you say you will, or you can ask someone to call you about 20 minutes after you are supposed to meet someone, this will if necessary give you an out. You may want to implement both of these.
4. Don't meet with someone after only one or two conversations. Make sure you have e-mailed, IM'd and/or talked on the phone enough that you have some rapport and a level of trust set-up.
5. In the begining, DO NOT give out your phone number to someone. Ask them to let you call them, then block your phone number from showing up on their phone.
During you first meeting:
1. If at all possible, you should meet in a public place.
2. Don't be alone with this person until you are sure you can trust them and are in no danger.
3. It is usually not a good idea to "play"(play is the activities you do with someone, activities may or may not include sex, and may include flogging, spanking, paddling or other activities as negotiated by the parties involved.) on a first meeting.
4. Do negotiate your "play" if you plan to meet again.
5. Do make your Safe Call, do may sure the person you are with knows you will be making a Safe Call or calls if the evening is going to be long, and do use your friend calling as an out if things are not going well.
6. Do listen to your gut. If something seems wrong, it probably is.
7. Don't be pressured into going somewhere less public if you are not comfortable.
Red Flags
A red flag is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person. These can pop up at any time, but most often at the begining of a relationship. These may be obvious or subtle.
1. Inappropriate questions or comments during your initial conversation. Things like: What are you wearing? What do you look like? Do you want to play? or asking for your phone number immediately. These questions have nothing to do with D/s, but may indicate the person is looking for cyber, phone, or just kinky sex.
2. Moving to quickly. In a hurry to start a relationship, or moving more quickly than you are comfortable with. Trust needs to be developed and can't be rushed.
3. Inappropriate attitude. Bow down and worship me! Those who act as if every submissive must obey every so called Dom and begin giving orders from the word go.
4. Safety violations. Reluctance to give you a Safe Word (a word you can use to stop play at any time if you are uncomfortable or things become too intense. A good Dom will stop play immediately upon hearing this word and check to see what is wrong) or to have safety precautions in place.
5. Lack of communication. If the person is reluctant to discuss something pay attention. Or, if you are told you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone or go somewhere. (Do not let a Dom prevent you from seeing friends or family.)
6. A persistent bad reputation, or unwilling to provide you with references.
7. Frequent inconsistencies. Making contradictory statements. If a person has trouble remembering what they told you from one day to the next, it could be they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.
8. Refusal to give you a picture. This could be because they are married or in a relationship, or it could be because they are not what they say they are.
***Remember: Always trust your gut***
Note: My Dom has told me that i should mention why i always refer to myself with a lower case i. This is something that is frequently done in BDSM. Doms names are Capitalized. Also any pronouns used to describe them such as He, or Him are also Capitalized. submissives names on the other hand usually start with a lower case letter as do pronouns such as i. Some people will even go so far as using a Capital and lower case letter when referring to the couple together such as W/we or U/us. This is not wrong if it works for them, but i find that type of writing bogs me down and i do not do that.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Journey Begins (continued)
So, there i was, in my car, driving toward our scheduled meeting place. To say i was nervous would be a huge understatement. i was terrified. As i drove along my thoughts were jumbled. i was excited to be at last meeting this man who so intrigued me, i was nervous about taking this huge step, and the Baptist part of my brain told me that nice girls do not go to motels to meet strange men, especially men who are into alternative lifestyles. And yet i drove on.
It was a long drive. i stopped once to get something to drink and go to the bathroom. i also wanted to check my hair, makeup and clothes to make sure i wasn't a bedraggled mess. Then i got back in the car to continue my drive. i was not used to driving so far, especially by myself, but it was going really well. i got into town and found the hotel without difficulty.
Now, i would like to stop right here and say i would never, ever tell anyone submissive, Dominant, or otherwise to go to a hotel with someone the first time they meet. i was very lucky. In another post i will discuss more fully what i did wrong, and what He did right at our first meeting.
When i arrived at the hotel, i went to the desk and asked if the man i was meeting had checked in yet. The man at the desk informed me that it was too early to check in and he didn't know if the man i was meeting was there yet. So, i sat in the lobby shaking, a bundle of nerves and waited. i wasn't sure how long i would have to wait, i was afraid that maybe He wasn't coming. i had read on-line that sometimes people will plan to meet and one of them changes their mind and doesn't show up.
As i sat there in the lobby waiting, suddenly i saw someone coming down the hall. i had seen His picture, so i was pretty sure it was Him, but i couldn't speak. Then He spoke to me, and it was Him. He suggested that since it was too early to check in that we go to the hotel restaurant and have lunch. i agreed.
We went in, sat down and the waitress took our order. It was a buffet, so we went up and got some food. i was still very nerous, so i kind of picked at my food. When i'm nervous one of two things happen, either i become very quiet, or i talk incessantly. On this occassion, although i don't remember it very well, i'm told i chattered like a magpie, lol. He tells me i gave Him my whole life story during that lunch.
By the time we had finished our lunch, it was time to check in. We went to the desk and got our key. Then we headed for our room. It was time to spend our first night together, but that is a story for another time.
It was a long drive. i stopped once to get something to drink and go to the bathroom. i also wanted to check my hair, makeup and clothes to make sure i wasn't a bedraggled mess. Then i got back in the car to continue my drive. i was not used to driving so far, especially by myself, but it was going really well. i got into town and found the hotel without difficulty.
Now, i would like to stop right here and say i would never, ever tell anyone submissive, Dominant, or otherwise to go to a hotel with someone the first time they meet. i was very lucky. In another post i will discuss more fully what i did wrong, and what He did right at our first meeting.
When i arrived at the hotel, i went to the desk and asked if the man i was meeting had checked in yet. The man at the desk informed me that it was too early to check in and he didn't know if the man i was meeting was there yet. So, i sat in the lobby shaking, a bundle of nerves and waited. i wasn't sure how long i would have to wait, i was afraid that maybe He wasn't coming. i had read on-line that sometimes people will plan to meet and one of them changes their mind and doesn't show up.
As i sat there in the lobby waiting, suddenly i saw someone coming down the hall. i had seen His picture, so i was pretty sure it was Him, but i couldn't speak. Then He spoke to me, and it was Him. He suggested that since it was too early to check in that we go to the hotel restaurant and have lunch. i agreed.
We went in, sat down and the waitress took our order. It was a buffet, so we went up and got some food. i was still very nerous, so i kind of picked at my food. When i'm nervous one of two things happen, either i become very quiet, or i talk incessantly. On this occassion, although i don't remember it very well, i'm told i chattered like a magpie, lol. He tells me i gave Him my whole life story during that lunch.
By the time we had finished our lunch, it was time to check in. We went to the desk and got our key. Then we headed for our room. It was time to spend our first night together, but that is a story for another time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)