Untitled.....Because i Don't Know What to Call It.

i'm feeling really churned up today. Warning, this post will probably be kind of whiny, but that's how i feel right now.

Thanksgiving was nice, we had friends over and of course our housemate and her mother were here also, so there were six of us altogether. We cooked for two days, and despite the fact that i tried to clean as we went along, and did i have no idea how many loads of dishes, we still ended up with a huge mess that i think i have finally gotten completely cleaned up. i think i am starting to feel slightly resentful. i don't have a problem with cleaning up after and serving Daddy, but lately i am starting to feel like i am serving two Doms. i knew that this might be a problem when we first decided to have her move in with us. i am not saying that she never helps, because she does, but she does as much as she wishes, and then makes comments to me about "finishing up the dishes" or "getting the kitchen cleaned up". These comments upset  me. After i finished the last of the dishes this morning, she and Daddy had lunch and when i went into the kitchen, the sink was again full of dishes. And this is not the first time. Bad as it probably sounds, i am the only one in this household working at the moment, and yet i am still expected to do the bulk of the housework. There are days when the two of them will make something for them to eat......usually it is something i don't like or want, but they leave the mess for me to clean up. Is that right? Oh well.

Another thing that i am dealing with right now is harder to describe. i do, or let Daddy do things that i am not crazy about because they make Him happy. i know as a submissive that it is not all about me, it is supposed to be about Him, and it pleases me to make Daddy happy, but it seems like the more i give sexually, the less i get in the same arena. i've mentioned before that Daddy likes to do cutting. i am not thrilled about being cut, but i decided a while back to let Him cut me. There were two reasons for this, 1. It pleases Him and 2. He has informend me in no uncertain terms that if i don't let Him do the things He likes He will find others who will. He is not saying He will replace me, just that He will seek out others to play with that like the same things He does, but it is my choice to try and do the things that Daddy likes. So lately Daddy has been pushing the anal sex thing. This is something i absolutely hate. It is painful and does not excite me in the least. i will not cum from anal sex. He used to only do this now and then, but He has recently informed me that we will be doing this every time we have sex. And we have been. i am almost to the point where i can tolerate it without too much begging and crying, but knowing it is coming usually makes the rest of the sex less enjoyable, because i am preoccupied knowing what's next and it also feels like the vaginal sex is just kind of perfunctory, like if He gives me something i like that makes up for doing this thing i hate.

Last night Daddy was making a joke about women and oral sex, and i said something like, i wouldn't know, i hardly ever get it. This is true. Even though Daddy expects oral sex from me every time we have sex, i rarely receive oral sex even though i love it. So, i thought i had made my point, from what He said i thought okay cool, tonight. i took a shower and stayed up as late as i could, hoping He would be ready for bed soon. Finally i said i'm going to bed, hoping He would follow. Nope, nada, nothing. He came to bed a couple of hours later, but didn't even try. i felt completely blown off. So today has been pretty tense. i am sure He knows why i am upset, but He is basically ignoring me. i guess that as a submissive i am not supposed to have wants, needs, or expectations.

i love Daddy and i am sure that i will be back to myself soon. Maybe it is just the holidays, for some reason on Thanksgiving i was kind of weepy about not seeing my family, even though it has been about 3-4 years since i spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my family. Maybe it is the stress from work, last week we found out they were laying off 600+ employees with more lay offs to come after the first of the year. Maybe it is the loss of privacy with having someone else in our home. i don't know. i guess only time will tell.

Requesting What You Need

i don't usually ask for spankings. That's not to say i fight them, not all the time anyway lol, but i usually don't initiate them. There are reasons for this, the biggest one being, i don't like to ask Daddy to spank me, i would rather He spank me because it is His idea. Another reason is that asking for a spanking seems too much like topping from the bottom. Also, i am really not a masochist or a pain slut. Some pain excites me, Daddy teases me because while i am yelling owe, i am getting soaking wet, but i don't usually ask for pain. This morning was different.

Work has been almost unbearably stressful for the past several weeks, and will probably get worse as we near the end of the year. As a result, i have been really moody and on edge lately. So, this morning Daddy and i were fooling around and when we got done He got up to go to the bathroom. When He came back into the bedroom, He found me on the floor and asked me what i was doing. i told Him i was looking for His belt. He asked me why, and i told Him i wanted Him to spank me with it. He seemed surprised, but was willing to give me what i needed.

He went and found a belt and had me lay on the bed. He let me choose the number of strokes i received and chicken that i am i chose a low number. Then He started, and well, He wasn't gentle. But afterward, i felt GREAT! It was just what i needed. It helped to center and ground me.

i know there are other submissives who enjoy "stress relief" spankings, and i have had this same reaction in the past the few other times i have been able to bring myself to request a spanking. i guess i need to start asking for what i need more often. Daddy is not a mind reader after all, though He often seems to know exactly what i need, i just feel shy about voicing these needs and also feel that it is not a very submissive thing to do.

So, what do you think? Is this topping from the bottom? Submissives, do any of you crave a spanking when you feel out of control? If so, do you ask your Master to give you what you need? And Dominants, do You think it is OK for Your submissive to request a spanking if she needs it, and will You give it to her if she does?

Well, i'm off to bed now. It has been a long day, and the next two are going to be even longer.

Punishment

Punishment can be a touchy subject for people in the lifestyle.There are some submissives, especially those who are new to BDSM who don't understand punishment. They feel they are adults and don't believe they should be punished like a child. There are Dominants that just don't like to punish, and then there is the argument about what form the punishment should take.

Punishment can take many forms, it can be physical such as spanking, or flogging, it can involve the withdrawal of privileges such as computer time, it can involve writing lines,or essays,or standing in the corner, some Doms even punish by denying their subissive their company, which i believe has got to be one of the harshest punishments any submissive can have to go through.

There are some people who say you can't punish a submissive who enjoys pain physically. i don't agree. For me when Daddy punishes me with spanking, which i will admit i like, it just feels different. i think it has to do with the fact that i know that i have disappointed or upset Daddy. That fact makes me feel bad before the punishment even starts. Daddy usually informs me that i will be receiving a punishment in advance, but He never says just when it will happen. This gives me time to think about what i have done to deserve this punishment, but it also gives me time to fret about it, which i think is actually part of the punishment.

The first time Daddy punished me i had a lot of mixed emotions. i knew ahead of time that i was going to be punished and i was dreading it. i was still new to the whole pain thing, so i was pretty nervous about that, and besides that i really didn't know what to expect. But, once it was over i felt this huge sense of relief. Not only did i feel relieved of the guilt caused by doing something wrong, but i realized that Daddy cared enough about me to punish me when i did something wrong, and that was the end of it. i also realized that He wasn't going to give up on me just because i had made a mistake. i don't enjoy punishment, but sometimes i need the relief it provides me with.

Some people say the worst punishment you can inflict upon a masochist is not giving them the pain the crave. Maybe that's true. i am not a true masochist. i like mild pain, but if it gets any heavier, that's not for me. Daddy has a couple of toys that He uses just for punishment.These are toys that He uses sparingly if it all when we play because they don't excite me. The worst one is they Dragon's Tail. i hate it. If Daddy uses that on me during play it takes me right out of my headspace. For this reason Daddy feels it is the perfect punishment tool.

As i have said, i think the worst punishment a Dominant can bestow upon their submissive has got to be denying the sub of their company. Most submissives feel bad enough when they know they have upset their Dom, being denied His/Her company has to make that just so much worse.

i don't think most submissives enjoy punishment, whatever form it takes, but i think used properly, in a caring M/s D/s relationship, it can be a good tool. It can prevent small misunderstandings from becoming big problems. It can free the submissive from their feelings of guilt, and it can help the Dominant express their displeasure in a non-abusive, but concrete way.