Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Best Thing for Our Relationship

This is kind of a weird title i know, but i can't think of a better one. It's been a while since i posted again. i'm not sure why so much time passes between my posts sometimes, i read the blogs i follow daily, and even comment now and then (shocking i know) but somehow i have trouble finding the time to post on my own.

Anyway, i really do have something i want to post about. As i have said in the past Daddy and i are into ageplay. Now, i know that ageplay squicks some people out, and i am not going to spend this post trying to defend ageplay as a whole, everyone has their own opinions and their own kinks, but it works for us. The thing is, lately i have found myself going deeper into the mindset of my little self. Let me explain. i am an adult, a grown woman, i hold down a responsible job, i drive a car, i interact in the real world. i know how to act like a reasonable adult. But lately at the strangest times, my little self will just come out and sometimes i am not even aware of it.

We first became aware of this on Christmas Day. Daddy and i were alone so He decided to take me out for a NICE dinner. We went to The Four Seasons Hotel, and it was extremely fancy. We had a great time, and are considering making this a yearly tradition, but i digress. We were sitting at the table eating our entree when i glanced out the window and saw a horse drawn carriage covered with christmas lights. It looked really pretty. Without any thought to it at all, i exclaimed "Daddy, Daddy look at that!" The weird part was i didn't even notice it, until Daddy said something to me later. i was mortified, luckily He thought it was cute and endearing etc. i asked if anyone had heard me and He said possibly, but He was so unconcerned about it i ended up letting it go.

The next time we noticed it was at the grocery store. We were having a normal, adult trip to the store. i needed to buy some toothpaste, so we went in the toothpaste aisle and suddenly i was a little girl showing Daddy the Hello Kitty toothbrush i had just spotted. He ended up buying it for me, but again said something about my little coming out to play. i am not sure why this happens, but it does. It has actually gotten to the point where on a couple of occasions Daddy has said, "I need you to be a big girl today" or "I need you to act like a grown up today" and when He says these things i do as i am told, although when whatever we are doing is over, i ask if i can go back to being His little girl.

The thing is, since we started activley participating in ageplay it has greatly improved our relationship. When we first got together i didn't even know what ageplay was, i barely knew what BDSM was, and where we lived there was no lifestlye, so i really didn't have anyone to talk to about things. Once we moved here however, we got invoved with a group of people and several of the submissives were littles. We figured out this was something we liked and started incorporating it into our lives. And as we have moved further into it, it has had a very positive impact on our relationship. It is not a matter of Him not holding me accountable for things or anything like that, He does. It just seems like we get along better and disagree less when our relationship works this way.

In other news, we still have a room mate, and she still thinks i submit to her too, which i don't, but Daddy has noticed it, and while we really haven't said anything to her about it, because we don't want to make waves, He has told me i don't have to do what she tells me to unless i choose to, and He allows me to vent when i need too.

i have decided to change jobs. i am currently still working at home and as much as i enjoy that, they have been piling more and more on us lately and they have unreasonable expectations about how much we need to finish in a day. The stress has been getting to all of us, so in the last two weeks i have been sending out resumes and going on interviews. i don't want to quit until i know i have a new job, but i have to think about my mental health too.

All in all, things are good, i am happy.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Nothing New

My life has been pretty boring lately. Of course boring isn't always a bad thing. Daddy and i are happy and i have been staying out of trouble, which makes me very happy. i have really been trying to follow my rules, and most importantly "not argue" and i think we both notice the change and it is paying off.

i am currently in the middle of being off for seven days. It is not exactly a vacation, it just worked out that i got this time off, but i am still feeling very relaxed and restful right now. Work has been very stressful lately, a lot of people have lost their jobs and there is talk that the company is planning to let more people go in the next few months. Add to that the fact that they are placing unreasonable demands on us, it starts to get to you. We are planning tomorrow to go to our friends farm for a few days. Last time we were there i got to feed the baby cows with a (very large) baby bottle. It was really cool. i grew up not exactly in the city, but certainly not on a farm, so the only animals i had contact with other than in the zoo were cats and dogs. So, spending time collecting eggs, feeding cows, and riding horses is new for me. Would i like to do it every day, probably not, but it is a nice change of pace now and then.

A couple of days ago my cat got out. She is an indoor cat, with no front claws, so her getting out was truly concerning. i am not sure when she got out, or even how. i have a feeling our room mate let her out at some point when she let her dog out. i was working, but i kept looking for her all over the house all day, trying to tell myself she couldn't really be outside. When i got off late that night, i went outside and searched for her, calling and looking for her. i couldn't find her anywhere. i got home and i was just sobbing. Daddy just held me trying to comfort me, but that was really not possible. Then our room mate came home and said she had just seen my cat under my car. i went out to the driveway and there she was soaking wet and shivering. i was so relieved. i have had her since she was six weeks old, and if anything happened to her i would be devastated. But after the fact i was just so touched about the way Daddy tried to comfort me. He is not crazy about my cat, but He did everything He could to make me feel better and reassure me that she would come back. Which thank Heavens, she did.

So, that's it. Nothing is really new, but life is good, i still have four days off of work, and i'm feeling great.

Monday, January 4, 2010

A Sad (but beautiful) Night

Two days before Christmas a very dear friend of ours died. He was a wonderful person and a pillar of the lifestyle community where we live. He and his wife/submissive had parties at their home every month, and they had the ability to make even the most terrified person (yes, i speak from experience) feel at ease. He seemed to like everyone and i didn't know any one who knew Him that didn't like Him.

So, Saturday night the community came together to honor Him. It was a heartwrinching evening. The tears flowed almost from the minute we got there. They had a slide show of pictures and people lined up to speak. There had to be at least 300 people in attendance.

Throughout this whole time, i have just felt so badly for His wife. That is a pain i just can not imagine. She sat by His bedside throughout His illness. This was a second marriage for both of them and they were so devoted to each other. i didn't know what to say to comfort her, all i could do was hug her hard.

As sad as this has been, i think there is a lesson here for all of us. Never take for granted what you have. Thank God each day for what you have and let go of the little things that don't matter. That is what i intend to do.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

It's Been Quite a While

OK, i know it has been a long time since i have written anything. This is not because there has been nothing to say, but rather because things just get so hectic sometimes that i neglect the non-essential things. But, i think i need to make blogging into something that is essential because i find i feel more calm and focused when i get my feelings out.

When i started this blog, i guess i was a little self-centered, thinking i was going to be orginal, that no one but i would think of writing about TTWD for all the world to see. Boy, was i wrong. When i started out i was amazed by how many other blogs about submission, slavery, and BDSM were out there. Did this deter me? No. i decided to go with a blog that i felt would be educational for others who were just starting out on this path, or that were considering it, but hadn't decided yet if it was something they wanted to do. But, after a short time i found it to be so much more. Not only did i find blogs that i looked forward to reading every day, (and yes i have been reading them almost every day even though i rarely comment) but i found my blog was a safe place to talk about my feelings. Sometimes, just writing about them and knowing that someone is reading them is enough to make me feel better, like someone cares. And, when i get comments expressing support and compassion that is even better.

Things have gotten better since my last post. i want to thank everyone who commented. There was one comment that i tried to publish, but for some reason it didn't, so apologize to that person, i appreciate you taking the time to write. One day, shortly after i made that post i climbed up in Daddy's lap and just let all my feelings out. It was the first time we had talked like that in a long time. It was very helpful, and He told me that anytime i need to get my feelings out to Him, to just let Him know and He will make time for us to talk. 

Tha's not to say that things are perfect, or a bed of roses. We still have days when i get frustrated or discouraged. i think (and this is just my opinion) that all submissives feel that way sometimes, but knowing that He is there and willing to listen to me helps. Our room mate is still here, and sometimes she is very, very demanding towards me. For some reason she feels that it is her God given right to tell me what to do. i usually do what she tells me to, that is the submissive in me, but i know at times i have been a little snotty about it. In Daddy's defense, He usually doesn't know about these things. So, while i know He would probably expect me to be respectful of her (she is a Domme after all) i think if He were more aware of it, He might say something. For my part, i don't tell Him about it most of the time, because i don't want to cause waves. There was one day when i got scolded by both of them for the same thing at different times, and when i told Daddy that i had already been yelled at about that He told me He didn't know that, and that truly the only one i always had to listen to was Him, the one i submit to.

So, it is a new year, and my only true resolution, (i am already working at weight loss, exercise, and eating better) is to be a better submissive. To listen, and do as i'm told, to express my feelings instead of holding them in and being passive/aggressive ("i'm fine" when it is clear that i'm upset about something) and to be far less argumentitive. i am going to blog more , and i'm going to go back to keeping a journal (i already bought one, it is purple with flowers and butterflies) because Daddy says that when i journal i write my true feelings. i have permission to write whatever i feel in my blog and my journal without fear of repercussion because they are for me, even though He often reads both. It is a way for Him as He puts it, to get in my head.

So, Happy New Year to all my blogger friends.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Untitled.....Because i Don't Know What to Call It.

i'm feeling really churned up today. Warning, this post will probably be kind of whiny, but that's how i feel right now.

Thanksgiving was nice, we had friends over and of course our housemate and her mother were here also, so there were six of us altogether. We cooked for two days, and despite the fact that i tried to clean as we went along, and did i have no idea how many loads of dishes, we still ended up with a huge mess that i think i have finally gotten completely cleaned up. i think i am starting to feel slightly resentful. i don't have a problem with cleaning up after and serving Daddy, but lately i am starting to feel like i am serving two Doms. i knew that this might be a problem when we first decided to have her move in with us. i am not saying that she never helps, because she does, but she does as much as she wishes, and then makes comments to me about "finishing up the dishes" or "getting the kitchen cleaned up". These comments upset  me. After i finished the last of the dishes this morning, she and Daddy had lunch and when i went into the kitchen, the sink was again full of dishes. And this is not the first time. Bad as it probably sounds, i am the only one in this household working at the moment, and yet i am still expected to do the bulk of the housework. There are days when the two of them will make something for them to eat......usually it is something i don't like or want, but they leave the mess for me to clean up. Is that right? Oh well.

Another thing that i am dealing with right now is harder to describe. i do, or let Daddy do things that i am not crazy about because they make Him happy. i know as a submissive that it is not all about me, it is supposed to be about Him, and it pleases me to make Daddy happy, but it seems like the more i give sexually, the less i get in the same arena. i've mentioned before that Daddy likes to do cutting. i am not thrilled about being cut, but i decided a while back to let Him cut me. There were two reasons for this, 1. It pleases Him and 2. He has informend me in no uncertain terms that if i don't let Him do the things He likes He will find others who will. He is not saying He will replace me, just that He will seek out others to play with that like the same things He does, but it is my choice to try and do the things that Daddy likes. So lately Daddy has been pushing the anal sex thing. This is something i absolutely hate. It is painful and does not excite me in the least. i will not cum from anal sex. He used to only do this now and then, but He has recently informed me that we will be doing this every time we have sex. And we have been. i am almost to the point where i can tolerate it without too much begging and crying, but knowing it is coming usually makes the rest of the sex less enjoyable, because i am preoccupied knowing what's next and it also feels like the vaginal sex is just kind of perfunctory, like if He gives me something i like that makes up for doing this thing i hate.

Last night Daddy was making a joke about women and oral sex, and i said something like, i wouldn't know, i hardly ever get it. This is true. Even though Daddy expects oral sex from me every time we have sex, i rarely receive oral sex even though i love it. So, i thought i had made my point, from what He said i thought okay cool, tonight. i took a shower and stayed up as late as i could, hoping He would be ready for bed soon. Finally i said i'm going to bed, hoping He would follow. Nope, nada, nothing. He came to bed a couple of hours later, but didn't even try. i felt completely blown off. So today has been pretty tense. i am sure He knows why i am upset, but He is basically ignoring me. i guess that as a submissive i am not supposed to have wants, needs, or expectations.

i love Daddy and i am sure that i will be back to myself soon. Maybe it is just the holidays, for some reason on Thanksgiving i was kind of weepy about not seeing my family, even though it has been about 3-4 years since i spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my family. Maybe it is the stress from work, last week we found out they were laying off 600+ employees with more lay offs to come after the first of the year. Maybe it is the loss of privacy with having someone else in our home. i don't know. i guess only time will tell.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Requesting What You Need

i don't usually ask for spankings. That's not to say i fight them, not all the time anyway lol, but i usually don't initiate them. There are reasons for this, the biggest one being, i don't like to ask Daddy to spank me, i would rather He spank me because it is His idea. Another reason is that asking for a spanking seems too much like topping from the bottom. Also, i am really not a masochist or a pain slut. Some pain excites me, Daddy teases me because while i am yelling owe, i am getting soaking wet, but i don't usually ask for pain. This morning was different.

Work has been almost unbearably stressful for the past several weeks, and will probably get worse as we near the end of the year. As a result, i have been really moody and on edge lately. So, this morning Daddy and i were fooling around and when we got done He got up to go to the bathroom. When He came back into the bedroom, He found me on the floor and asked me what i was doing. i told Him i was looking for His belt. He asked me why, and i told Him i wanted Him to spank me with it. He seemed surprised, but was willing to give me what i needed.

He went and found a belt and had me lay on the bed. He let me choose the number of strokes i received and chicken that i am i chose a low number. Then He started, and well, He wasn't gentle. But afterward, i felt GREAT! It was just what i needed. It helped to center and ground me.

i know there are other submissives who enjoy "stress relief" spankings, and i have had this same reaction in the past the few other times i have been able to bring myself to request a spanking. i guess i need to start asking for what i need more often. Daddy is not a mind reader after all, though He often seems to know exactly what i need, i just feel shy about voicing these needs and also feel that it is not a very submissive thing to do.

So, what do you think? Is this topping from the bottom? Submissives, do any of you crave a spanking when you feel out of control? If so, do you ask your Master to give you what you need? And Dominants, do You think it is OK for Your submissive to request a spanking if she needs it, and will You give it to her if she does?

Well, i'm off to bed now. It has been a long day, and the next two are going to be even longer.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Punishment can be a touchy subject for people in the lifestyle.There are some submissives, especially those who are new to BDSM who don't understand punishment. They feel they are adults and don't believe they should be punished like a child. There are Dominants that just don't like to punish, and then there is the argument about what form the punishment should take.

Punishment can take many forms, it can be physical such as spanking, or flogging, it can involve the withdrawal of privileges such as computer time, it can involve writing lines,or essays,or standing in the corner, some Doms even punish by denying their subissive their company, which i believe has got to be one of the harshest punishments any submissive can have to go through.

There are some people who say you can't punish a submissive who enjoys pain physically. i don't agree. For me when Daddy punishes me with spanking, which i will admit i like, it just feels different. i think it has to do with the fact that i know that i have disappointed or upset Daddy. That fact makes me feel bad before the punishment even starts. Daddy usually informs me that i will be receiving a punishment in advance, but He never says just when it will happen. This gives me time to think about what i have done to deserve this punishment, but it also gives me time to fret about it, which i think is actually part of the punishment.

The first time Daddy punished me i had a lot of mixed emotions. i knew ahead of time that i was going to be punished and i was dreading it. i was still new to the whole pain thing, so i was pretty nervous about that, and besides that i really didn't know what to expect. But, once it was over i felt this huge sense of relief. Not only did i feel relieved of the guilt caused by doing something wrong, but i realized that Daddy cared enough about me to punish me when i did something wrong, and that was the end of it. i also realized that He wasn't going to give up on me just because i had made a mistake. i don't enjoy punishment, but sometimes i need the relief it provides me with.

Some people say the worst punishment you can inflict upon a masochist is not giving them the pain the crave. Maybe that's true. i am not a true masochist. i like mild pain, but if it gets any heavier, that's not for me. Daddy has a couple of toys that He uses just for punishment.These are toys that He uses sparingly if it all when we play because they don't excite me. The worst one is they Dragon's Tail. i hate it. If Daddy uses that on me during play it takes me right out of my headspace. For this reason Daddy feels it is the perfect punishment tool.

As i have said, i think the worst punishment a Dominant can bestow upon their submissive has got to be denying the sub of their company. Most submissives feel bad enough when they know they have upset their Dom, being denied His/Her company has to make that just so much worse.

i don't think most submissives enjoy punishment, whatever form it takes, but i think used properly, in a caring M/s D/s relationship, it can be a good tool. It can prevent small misunderstandings from becoming big problems. It can free the submissive from their feelings of guilt, and it can help the Dominant express their displeasure in a non-abusive, but concrete way.