i can't wait!!! Daddy will be home some time tomorrow. Hooray! When He left last Saturday i didn't think i could handle being without Him for a week, but i made it through. i missed Him so much, but keeping busy helped.
Last Sunday i kept telling myself, you have stuff to do, get up, get dressed, go out and do it. But, i didn't. i couldn't. So, our new housemate made it easy for me. She told me to go get dressed, we were going out. And She wasn't taking no for an answer, i told you She was a Domme. So, we went out and did all my errands, and there was one day gone. i am so grateful to Her. She helped keep me busy at times when i might have just sat there doing nothing. She told me today that i handled Daddy being gone far better than She thought i would, i told Her that She deserved some of the credit for that.
So, now i'm off to bed, because i have to work in the morning, and we have a Halloween Party tomorrow night. It's going to be a long day, but i can't wait.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Missing Daddy
Daddy just left on His trip to see His kids for their birthdays. He is going to be gone for a week, and i don't think i am going to survive. i know i probably sound like a spoiled brat, but we have never been apart like this before. Usually i go with Daddy when He goes to visit His family and friends, but this time i couldn't get off of work. So, i am stuck here for a week without Him. i actually cried when He left. i know He didn't leave me forever, it just seems like it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make the time pass a little faster?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Orgasm Control
i was reading through some blogs yesterday, and came across one about orgasm control and cumming on command. i was trying to find it tonight so i could cross reference it here, but i was unable to find it. It was a very well written piece, with a lot of scientific data, but what it didn't have was any anecdotal information. My views on the subject differ from the person who posted the blog i am talking about, and i have anecdotal examples from my life to share.
As i said, the blog in question was very well written, it discussed two main subjects, 1. The use of orgasm denial by Dominants, and 2. The ability of some female submissives to cum on command. The blogger discussed the fact that orgasm denial is a practice used by many D/s couples. The blogger and many people who commented on the blog had very negative feelings towards orgasm denial. Well, Daddy uses orgasm denial with me to some extent, and while i am not crazy about it, i do think it has it's purpose when used correctly.
Daddy told me on our first night together that i had to ask permission to cum. Well, that first night i did cum, and i didn't ask permission and i was punished (not harshly) but in my defense Daddy was the first person who ever truly made me cum. So, now i know when i am going to have an orgasm, and i ask permission. This requires me to be more aware of my body and my body's reaction to different kinds of stimulus, pain, pleasure, or pain becoming pleasure. For the record, He usually allows me to cum when i ask, although sometimes He will make me hold on, and will build my orgasms higher than the already are. My orgasms are usually better for having waited. There have been times when as a form of control, Daddy has denied me an orgasm. This is very difficult for me, and can become painful. Sometimes during this process, i will become stubborn and will myself not to feel anything. This takes every bit of concentration i have and can often be difficult if not impossible to maintain, especially if Daddy continues the stimulus. But, denials are rare, and they help me to remember that my body is not in control, Daddy is.
The second topic discussed in the blog i am talking about is cumming on command. This blogger, and again many of those who commented think that cumming on command is something that isn't real, and that those Dominants who believe they can teach their submissives to cum on command are dead wrong. Well, i don't have any scientific facts to provide, and i sure that not everyone who tries can do this. i would even imagine there are submissives who "fake" their orgasms to please their Doms. But i can assure you that cumming on command is something that is real, and there are submissives, like me, who can be taught to do it.
For me, i think part of the reason i am able to cum on command goes back to Daddy's control of my orgasms and the fact that i am more aware of my body and its reaction to different kinds of stimulus. When Daddy first started teaching me to cum on command, He would do something to me while i was cumming, like stroke my arm or my forehead lightly with His fingers. Therefore, my body assosciated these sensations with orgasming. So, when we were driving in the car or sitting at a restaurant and Daddy would lightly stroke my arm and say cum, my body would respond, as it had been conditioned to respond. This didn't happen all at once of course, it took time, but after a while, i found that the sensations were same and i would orgasm. After a while, all i needed was the word. Daddy can say "cum" anytime, anywhere and my body responds. My body is not in control in those situations, Daddy is.
i think another reason that Daddy was able to train me to cum on command is that i am very receptive to His energy. i have discussed this in a previous post, Daddy can transfer His energy to me. For those who don't believe this, trust me, it was a long time before i allowed myself to belive it and it was happening to MY body. Daddy can hold His hand above my body, never even touching me and i can feel the enrgy entering my body from His. i kept saying at first that it was all in my mind, that i saw His hand, but i soon discovered i could feel these same sensations when i didn't know He was doing it. Now i can be concentrating very intently on something and yet i know when He enters a room even though He doesn't make a sound.
There are those that know us that treat my ability to cum on command as a parlor trick, "Oh Sir make her cum, please make her cum..." and i am sure there are others who don't believe it is real, even if they don't say anything, but it's true. Daddy taught me to cum on command, and i truly think His ability to do so was, at least in part, related to Him taking control of my orgasms from the very begining of our relationship.
As i said, the blog in question was very well written, it discussed two main subjects, 1. The use of orgasm denial by Dominants, and 2. The ability of some female submissives to cum on command. The blogger discussed the fact that orgasm denial is a practice used by many D/s couples. The blogger and many people who commented on the blog had very negative feelings towards orgasm denial. Well, Daddy uses orgasm denial with me to some extent, and while i am not crazy about it, i do think it has it's purpose when used correctly.
Daddy told me on our first night together that i had to ask permission to cum. Well, that first night i did cum, and i didn't ask permission and i was punished (not harshly) but in my defense Daddy was the first person who ever truly made me cum. So, now i know when i am going to have an orgasm, and i ask permission. This requires me to be more aware of my body and my body's reaction to different kinds of stimulus, pain, pleasure, or pain becoming pleasure. For the record, He usually allows me to cum when i ask, although sometimes He will make me hold on, and will build my orgasms higher than the already are. My orgasms are usually better for having waited. There have been times when as a form of control, Daddy has denied me an orgasm. This is very difficult for me, and can become painful. Sometimes during this process, i will become stubborn and will myself not to feel anything. This takes every bit of concentration i have and can often be difficult if not impossible to maintain, especially if Daddy continues the stimulus. But, denials are rare, and they help me to remember that my body is not in control, Daddy is.
The second topic discussed in the blog i am talking about is cumming on command. This blogger, and again many of those who commented think that cumming on command is something that isn't real, and that those Dominants who believe they can teach their submissives to cum on command are dead wrong. Well, i don't have any scientific facts to provide, and i sure that not everyone who tries can do this. i would even imagine there are submissives who "fake" their orgasms to please their Doms. But i can assure you that cumming on command is something that is real, and there are submissives, like me, who can be taught to do it.
For me, i think part of the reason i am able to cum on command goes back to Daddy's control of my orgasms and the fact that i am more aware of my body and its reaction to different kinds of stimulus. When Daddy first started teaching me to cum on command, He would do something to me while i was cumming, like stroke my arm or my forehead lightly with His fingers. Therefore, my body assosciated these sensations with orgasming. So, when we were driving in the car or sitting at a restaurant and Daddy would lightly stroke my arm and say cum, my body would respond, as it had been conditioned to respond. This didn't happen all at once of course, it took time, but after a while, i found that the sensations were same and i would orgasm. After a while, all i needed was the word. Daddy can say "cum" anytime, anywhere and my body responds. My body is not in control in those situations, Daddy is.
i think another reason that Daddy was able to train me to cum on command is that i am very receptive to His energy. i have discussed this in a previous post, Daddy can transfer His energy to me. For those who don't believe this, trust me, it was a long time before i allowed myself to belive it and it was happening to MY body. Daddy can hold His hand above my body, never even touching me and i can feel the enrgy entering my body from His. i kept saying at first that it was all in my mind, that i saw His hand, but i soon discovered i could feel these same sensations when i didn't know He was doing it. Now i can be concentrating very intently on something and yet i know when He enters a room even though He doesn't make a sound.
There are those that know us that treat my ability to cum on command as a parlor trick, "Oh Sir make her cum, please make her cum..." and i am sure there are others who don't believe it is real, even if they don't say anything, but it's true. Daddy taught me to cum on command, and i truly think His ability to do so was, at least in part, related to Him taking control of my orgasms from the very begining of our relationship.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Improper Behavior, or Overbearing Dom
Well, they discharged Daddy from the hospital today. This does not mean they did anything to make Him better, far from it. It just means that the doctors who we trusted to help Him all bailed, and the thing that upsets me the most about this is that we were never told this could happen. Daddy has waited so long for this surgery, it was scheduled once before and canceled due to His lab work. At that time He was instructed to go see His PCP and get cleared. He did that. He went and had lab work last week, it was abnormal (normal for Him), they were aware of all of this and still they had us come in the night before, required Him to get poked and prodded, had Him receive blood products, and then 30 minutes prior to His scheduled surgery they pulled the rug out from under us and said it was canceled. But, they would do it later in the week they said, they just wanted Him to be seen by some other doctors. They would do it Thursday night. Then today at 3:00 PM, the rug was pulled out from under us again, and we are told, no the doctor is not going to do the surgery at all. Nice, huh? And the doctor wasn't even the one to come tell us, he sent his assistant. However, that was the good thing that happened today, she found a doctor, and friend of hers who does this type of surgery on high risk patients. He is willing to take Daddy on, we still have hope.
Something happened last night that really bothered me and has been weighing on me ever since. A couple we are friends with came to visit us at the hospital last night. This couple is lifestyle, and we spend quite a bit of time with them. We were all sitting around talking, and i asked my friend to do something for me that i was unable to do from the hospital, Daddy interupted me, said something about a way i could do this from the hospital, i looked at Him, and listened to Him, maybe even nodded my head at Him, then resumed the conversation i was having with my friend. At this point, her Dom said something to Daddy about me ignoring Him or not answering Him or something, i guess He thought i was being disrespectful. i was shocked. First of all i did not ignore, nor disrespect Daddy. i acknowledged Daddy, even though i had been talking, and then resumed my conversation. Second of all, Daddy didn't see my actions as disrespectful. This Dom went on and on about how i had ignored Him and how He has the same trouble with my friend and so He knew what Daddy was going through, etc, etc. So, i did something i normally would not do, i started to defend myself. i don't do this with Daddy because i know He doesn't like it, but i felt this "attack" was uncalled for. i said i didn't ignore Him, that i had listened to what He said, but that i had been in the middle of a conversation, and He said, "What kind of a relationship do you think you're in?'" i was very close to tears.
So, i got very quiet, and just concentrated on watching TV. The other Dom said something about me now being all mopey, again comparing my behavior with my friend's behavior. My friend started to think she was in trouble, and she asked if she had done something wrong or if she was in trouble, and He told her that she exhibits the same behavior a lot of the time. She also became quiet, and He said to Daddy "look, now I've made them both mopey."
i should say, that i have never had this type of problem with this particular Dom before, but i am aware that He often compares my friend's behavior with mine, when they are alone, with my behavior being better. i wish He wouldn't do that, but she has told me He does. i was just really surprised that not only did He try to dictate my behavior, but that He did it even though Daddy obviously did not have a problem with it.
So, i ask you. What do you think? What do other submissives think i should have done? Dominants, do you think He was out of line, or am i over reacting? Should i have defended myself, or just said yes Sir, to the other Dom and modified my behavior accordingly? i find i am questioning myself over this, even today. i know my friend was embarrassed over what He said to me, but of course she could not say anything.
Well, it has been a long, long couple of days, and i have to work tomorrow, so i think i will stop for the night. Here's hoping that everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.
Something happened last night that really bothered me and has been weighing on me ever since. A couple we are friends with came to visit us at the hospital last night. This couple is lifestyle, and we spend quite a bit of time with them. We were all sitting around talking, and i asked my friend to do something for me that i was unable to do from the hospital, Daddy interupted me, said something about a way i could do this from the hospital, i looked at Him, and listened to Him, maybe even nodded my head at Him, then resumed the conversation i was having with my friend. At this point, her Dom said something to Daddy about me ignoring Him or not answering Him or something, i guess He thought i was being disrespectful. i was shocked. First of all i did not ignore, nor disrespect Daddy. i acknowledged Daddy, even though i had been talking, and then resumed my conversation. Second of all, Daddy didn't see my actions as disrespectful. This Dom went on and on about how i had ignored Him and how He has the same trouble with my friend and so He knew what Daddy was going through, etc, etc. So, i did something i normally would not do, i started to defend myself. i don't do this with Daddy because i know He doesn't like it, but i felt this "attack" was uncalled for. i said i didn't ignore Him, that i had listened to what He said, but that i had been in the middle of a conversation, and He said, "What kind of a relationship do you think you're in?'" i was very close to tears.
So, i got very quiet, and just concentrated on watching TV. The other Dom said something about me now being all mopey, again comparing my behavior with my friend's behavior. My friend started to think she was in trouble, and she asked if she had done something wrong or if she was in trouble, and He told her that she exhibits the same behavior a lot of the time. She also became quiet, and He said to Daddy "look, now I've made them both mopey."
i should say, that i have never had this type of problem with this particular Dom before, but i am aware that He often compares my friend's behavior with mine, when they are alone, with my behavior being better. i wish He wouldn't do that, but she has told me He does. i was just really surprised that not only did He try to dictate my behavior, but that He did it even though Daddy obviously did not have a problem with it.
So, i ask you. What do you think? What do other submissives think i should have done? Dominants, do you think He was out of line, or am i over reacting? Should i have defended myself, or just said yes Sir, to the other Dom and modified my behavior accordingly? i find i am questioning myself over this, even today. i know my friend was embarrassed over what He said to me, but of course she could not say anything.
Well, it has been a long, long couple of days, and i have to work tomorrow, so i think i will stop for the night. Here's hoping that everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Life........
Life is so up in the air right now, i am not sure if i am coming or going. i know it has been a while since i last posted, but i honestly can't say why. i have wanted to blog, many days, i have even settled down to do so a couple of times, but things keep happening to get me off track.
Right now i am sitting in the hospital with Daddy. He hurt His back a few months ago, and He was supposed to have surgery today. He didn't. His lab work is such that if they did do surgery, it would be very dangerous. He was supposed to go to surgery at 8:30 am, and we didn't find out until almost 8:00 that it wasn't going to happen. We are both very upset and disappointed. There are doctors currently trying to get Him to the point where He can tolerate the surgery, but it is still going to be risky, and we have been told He could end up pararlyzed.
It has been a stressful day for both of us, with a lot of tears. At one point i had to leave the room for a while, because i was starting to fall apart, and He didn't need to deal with that on top of everything else. i am trying to be strong for Him. i told Him no matter what He decides, and whatever happens, i will stand by Him. If He ends up paralyzed, i will stay with Him, and i will care for Him. i love Him that much.
In other news, we are going to have a friend of ours moving in with us for a while. She recently lost her job, and her current relationship ended. She was going to be out of work and without a place to live. We have offered to let her stay with us for a while to gie her time to get back on her feet. i am sure this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship. For one thing, we won't be able to walk around naked anymore, lol. But on a more serious level, we will need to keep any "discussions" private. We will have to go to our room when we need to talk instead of just cuddling on the couch, or facing off across the living room. She is lifestyle, so any strange noises she hears won't be cause for speculation on her part. On the other hand, she is a Domme, and having two Dominant personalities in the house may be a bit rough on the this little sub.
Our relationship has been in a really good place lately. Daddy did a cutting on my arm last Sunday, and went over it again yesterday. It looks really great. It is the Kanji Symbol for submissive. As soon as He can Daddy has promised to post a picture of it here. i let Daddy do the cutting on me because i know it pleases Him, but He allowed me to chose the design and the sight. The reason He went over the cutting is because we want to make it permanent. This is going to require some explaining on my part when we see my family. It is at least partly visible when i wear short sleeves. i chose this symbol, because i am not ashamed of who or what i am. Daddy chose me to be His submissive and i am proud to belong to Him.
i have to say, the second time He did the cutting hurt SO much more than the first time. It hurt the first time, don't get me wrong, but He had lightly played me before starting, so that helped. About three minutes after He finished i orgasmed.....hugely. The second time He did it, we didn't have time to play first, and it was very painful. i was gripping the pillow and biting it to keep from yelling too loudly. i did fly, and afterward i had a huge release, i was sobbing, and shaking, this is not unusual for me, i usually cry when i fly. The first time this happened, i "came to" and there were tears streaming down my face. By this time i am used to this, so it is not such a surprise. What does/did surprise me is that after all that pain, i was still able to orgasm. i still don't understand sometimes how things that i find extemely painful, not the kind of pain i usually prefer, (i am not a painslut) can make me cum. Daddy will say, well if it hurt so much why did you cum, and my only answer is i don't know. i really don't. Daddy would like to do a cutting on me at a party, but i told Him when i agreed to let Him cut me that we would have to do them in private. i am not yet ready to do this type of scene in public, but Daddy has asked me to start preparing myself to do a cutting at a party, so i am working on that.
We went to a party last Friday night. We didn't play, but Daddy did offer. It was a differnt group of people from most of the parties we go to, and i wasn't really comfortable. Daddy did help a couple of others beat one sub, and i watched. Over all we had a good time. i was a good and attentive sub, paying attention to where Daddy was at all times, and making sure i got Him anything He needed. He told me later that i was a good girl, no other words could have pleased me more.
That's about it from here. Daddy has been given pain medicine and a sleeping pill so He is resting quietly right now. i need to try and get some sleep, i fear that tomorrow is going to be another emotionally charged day.
Right now i am sitting in the hospital with Daddy. He hurt His back a few months ago, and He was supposed to have surgery today. He didn't. His lab work is such that if they did do surgery, it would be very dangerous. He was supposed to go to surgery at 8:30 am, and we didn't find out until almost 8:00 that it wasn't going to happen. We are both very upset and disappointed. There are doctors currently trying to get Him to the point where He can tolerate the surgery, but it is still going to be risky, and we have been told He could end up pararlyzed.
It has been a stressful day for both of us, with a lot of tears. At one point i had to leave the room for a while, because i was starting to fall apart, and He didn't need to deal with that on top of everything else. i am trying to be strong for Him. i told Him no matter what He decides, and whatever happens, i will stand by Him. If He ends up paralyzed, i will stay with Him, and i will care for Him. i love Him that much.
In other news, we are going to have a friend of ours moving in with us for a while. She recently lost her job, and her current relationship ended. She was going to be out of work and without a place to live. We have offered to let her stay with us for a while to gie her time to get back on her feet. i am sure this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship. For one thing, we won't be able to walk around naked anymore, lol. But on a more serious level, we will need to keep any "discussions" private. We will have to go to our room when we need to talk instead of just cuddling on the couch, or facing off across the living room. She is lifestyle, so any strange noises she hears won't be cause for speculation on her part. On the other hand, she is a Domme, and having two Dominant personalities in the house may be a bit rough on the this little sub.
Our relationship has been in a really good place lately. Daddy did a cutting on my arm last Sunday, and went over it again yesterday. It looks really great. It is the Kanji Symbol for submissive. As soon as He can Daddy has promised to post a picture of it here. i let Daddy do the cutting on me because i know it pleases Him, but He allowed me to chose the design and the sight. The reason He went over the cutting is because we want to make it permanent. This is going to require some explaining on my part when we see my family. It is at least partly visible when i wear short sleeves. i chose this symbol, because i am not ashamed of who or what i am. Daddy chose me to be His submissive and i am proud to belong to Him.
i have to say, the second time He did the cutting hurt SO much more than the first time. It hurt the first time, don't get me wrong, but He had lightly played me before starting, so that helped. About three minutes after He finished i orgasmed.....hugely. The second time He did it, we didn't have time to play first, and it was very painful. i was gripping the pillow and biting it to keep from yelling too loudly. i did fly, and afterward i had a huge release, i was sobbing, and shaking, this is not unusual for me, i usually cry when i fly. The first time this happened, i "came to" and there were tears streaming down my face. By this time i am used to this, so it is not such a surprise. What does/did surprise me is that after all that pain, i was still able to orgasm. i still don't understand sometimes how things that i find extemely painful, not the kind of pain i usually prefer, (i am not a painslut) can make me cum. Daddy will say, well if it hurt so much why did you cum, and my only answer is i don't know. i really don't. Daddy would like to do a cutting on me at a party, but i told Him when i agreed to let Him cut me that we would have to do them in private. i am not yet ready to do this type of scene in public, but Daddy has asked me to start preparing myself to do a cutting at a party, so i am working on that.
We went to a party last Friday night. We didn't play, but Daddy did offer. It was a differnt group of people from most of the parties we go to, and i wasn't really comfortable. Daddy did help a couple of others beat one sub, and i watched. Over all we had a good time. i was a good and attentive sub, paying attention to where Daddy was at all times, and making sure i got Him anything He needed. He told me later that i was a good girl, no other words could have pleased me more.
That's about it from here. Daddy has been given pain medicine and a sleeping pill so He is resting quietly right now. i need to try and get some sleep, i fear that tomorrow is going to be another emotionally charged day.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Party
i said i would write about the party from Saturday night. We belong to two groups that have monthly parties, and we also go to occassional small parties, but we have not been to many parties recently, so we were both really looking forward to this party. We were out most of the day Saturday, so we rushed home, made our dish, got ready for the party and we were on our way.
After driving for about an hour, we got to the party. i was pretty quiet on the drive, and really had been for several days. As i said i have started walling up part of my heart to avoid being hurt, and that has made me different. i have been a little more withdrawn, and i have been avoiding make the spontaneous loving gestures i often make, like grabbing Daddy's hand or suddenly kissing Him.
So, we got to the party, went in, paid , and gave our kisses and cuddles to everyone we knew. We knew a lot of people, so soon we were chatting with friends, and i wasn't as attentive to Daddy as i should have been. And He wasn't really paying any attention to me either. He had agreed to play one of our friends at the party, and they were busy planning this, and He was taking pictures with a few of the girls. i was feeling more than a little left out.
Well, i knew i wasn't being a very good submissive, so i went to find Him and be at His side. He was outside so i went out there. He was busy talking to others, and not to me, except to order me to get Him a diet coke. i did, and then i sat there. Then He went in the house, and through the window i watched Him talking to, hugging, and laughing with all the others. i started feeling more and more jealous as well as left out. i was hurt and angry and sometimes when i feel that way, well i do things i know i shouldn't. That's what i did Saturday. When Daddy came back outside, i turned my back to Him and continued talking with the person next to me. Then when He played our friend, i didn't go to watch and i didn't make myself available to help Him and to clean up after the scene. i was mad that He hadn't offered to play me, and i was showing it.
All the while i was acting in this passive/agressive way, i knew better. i knew what i was doing was wrong and that i was probably going to be in trouble, but i couldn't stop myself. A couple of my friends asked me what was wrong, saying i was awfully quiet and not myself. i said i was fine, but one of my friends wasn't buying it. She was the one who told me about her husband sleeping with others. She told me she knew how i felt.
On the way home, i was sure Daddy was going to yell at me, but He didn't. He acted like everything was normal. i wondered if He either hadn't noticed my behavior, or if He understood how i was feeling and had decided to let it go. When we got home, i sat up with Him for a while, and then i went off to bed. Daddy sat up, and a few hours later He came to bed. That was when i found out that He had noticed my behavior and He wasn't letting it go.........but that is a story for tomorrow.
After driving for about an hour, we got to the party. i was pretty quiet on the drive, and really had been for several days. As i said i have started walling up part of my heart to avoid being hurt, and that has made me different. i have been a little more withdrawn, and i have been avoiding make the spontaneous loving gestures i often make, like grabbing Daddy's hand or suddenly kissing Him.
So, we got to the party, went in, paid , and gave our kisses and cuddles to everyone we knew. We knew a lot of people, so soon we were chatting with friends, and i wasn't as attentive to Daddy as i should have been. And He wasn't really paying any attention to me either. He had agreed to play one of our friends at the party, and they were busy planning this, and He was taking pictures with a few of the girls. i was feeling more than a little left out.
Well, i knew i wasn't being a very good submissive, so i went to find Him and be at His side. He was outside so i went out there. He was busy talking to others, and not to me, except to order me to get Him a diet coke. i did, and then i sat there. Then He went in the house, and through the window i watched Him talking to, hugging, and laughing with all the others. i started feeling more and more jealous as well as left out. i was hurt and angry and sometimes when i feel that way, well i do things i know i shouldn't. That's what i did Saturday. When Daddy came back outside, i turned my back to Him and continued talking with the person next to me. Then when He played our friend, i didn't go to watch and i didn't make myself available to help Him and to clean up after the scene. i was mad that He hadn't offered to play me, and i was showing it.
All the while i was acting in this passive/agressive way, i knew better. i knew what i was doing was wrong and that i was probably going to be in trouble, but i couldn't stop myself. A couple of my friends asked me what was wrong, saying i was awfully quiet and not myself. i said i was fine, but one of my friends wasn't buying it. She was the one who told me about her husband sleeping with others. She told me she knew how i felt.
On the way home, i was sure Daddy was going to yell at me, but He didn't. He acted like everything was normal. i wondered if He either hadn't noticed my behavior, or if He understood how i was feeling and had decided to let it go. When we got home, i sat up with Him for a while, and then i went off to bed. Daddy sat up, and a few hours later He came to bed. That was when i found out that He had noticed my behavior and He wasn't letting it go.........but that is a story for tomorrow.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
This and That
i have a lot on my mind today, but nothing that is feels like a clear concise thought. So, i think i'll just blog about the things that are on my mind. Then you'll all get a feel for what Daddy lives with. My mind works in such a weird way, that we can be sitting quietly doing nothing, or be engaged in some activity, when out of my mouth will come a thought or question that is so off the wall that He'll just look at me in astonishment. It's a fact that if a thought pops in my brain, inevitably, it's going to come out my mouth. i guess i'm just wired that way. Don't say i didn't warn you.
Jealousy. i have a real problem with this. i'm not sure why, but i get jealous very easily, too easily Daddy would say. It is not all without cause, well He thinks it is. Daddy wants to play with others, OK, i can deal with this, depending on who it is. And it's OK, when He is playing with random submissives, at parties, where we pretty much know everyone. But Daddy wants to take this further. He wants to find one or two submissives that He can play with on a regular basis, and He would be thrilled if sex could be part of the arrangement. Now, He says He doesn't want to bring these submissives to live in our house ( although He does want to bring them to play in our house), He doesn't want to collar them ( at least not a formal collar, although He is not totally against giving them a training collar or collar of protection), He just wants to be able to play with them. Mentally, i know this. i know that i am the one He comes home to, i am the one who sleeps in His bed, i am the one who serves Him, and i am the one He collared. My mind knows this, my heart is another story.
Daddy knew when He got me He was getting a mass of insecurities. i never hid from Him the fact that i was insecure. So, when He talks about getting another submissive to play with, and have sex with, while He is thinking He just likes variety, i am thinking, He wants someone else, i am not good enough for Him. Daddy says sex for most men is purely a physical thing, that it is merely a release. Well, that may be, but for me, it is much, much more than that. It means two people have a connection, a bond, and if He shares that bond with others, that really hurts.
Which leads me to the other thing in my head. Love. What part does love play in a D/s, M/s, or other BDSM relationship? If you had a choice between love, caring, or commitment, which would you choose? i've discussed before Daddy's aversion to love and marriage. We have been arguing about it a lot lately. i know that i love Him. He says there is no such thing as love, He does believe in love, and He cares for me. He asks me, "you know i care about you, right?" So, i asked Him, what do you mean by "care about me"? He said He was commited to me, that He had choosen to collar me. i was enraged. i said "comitted, you can be commited to something you don't even care for. i said i feel like your great grandmother that you made a 'commitment' to take care of!" He couldn't understand how i felt.
Daddy said if we are together 15-20 years, then He will marry me. He said He has been married twice before, and both times His wives left Him. i have told Him, i'm not them, i won't leave Him, and He is punishing me because of them. He says He knows, but that is just the way He feels. He expects me to trust Him, that He has commited to me for life with this collar, and i do trust that, but He refuses to trust me. i told Him this was kind of skewed logic, that i am expected to give Him the trust that He refuses to give to me.
So, even though i love Him, i have started to put up a little wall around part of my heart, trying to protect it from the hurt of hearing Him say to myself and others i don't love you. He tells other people He doesn't love me. People probably think i'm an idiot for sticking around with a man who says He can never love me. But i love Him. i just have to protect at least part of my heart from being crushed.
We had talked about handfasting. He told me it was up to me. i wasn't sure, because i thought the love should be there on both our parts if we were going to do that. So, i told Him, it was up to Him. He said He didn't need a handfasting, because the collar He put around my neck, means more to Him than any wedding band ever could, My collar means the world to me, but i could use some love to go with it.
We went to a BDSM house party last night, where i ended up in quite a bit of trouble. i will try to write about that tomorrow, but while Daddy was playing someone else and i was feeling sorry for myself, and trying not to cry, because the person He was playing is a very dear friend of mine and i didn't want her feeling bad, another friend came up to talk to me. She said i was awfully quiet, and i tried to lie and say i was fine, but then the tears started. i said i have to be ok, for so and so, she is my friend and i don't want her to know i am upset. My friend had actually asked me if i was ok with Daddy playing with her, because if i wasn't she wouldn't let Him play her. i told her it was fine, and i guess in some ways it really wasn't. My other friend told me she knew exactly how i felt, that she feels the same way, and so do half of the submissives at any party. She said this lifestyle doesn't lend itself well to monogamy. She said most Doms, even if they have the youngest, the prettiest, or the best submissive in the world want more. She told me that her husband, who was also her Dom, sleeps with other woman several nights per week, with her sleeping, or trying to sleep in the next room. i was shocked. i didn't know that her husband/Dom was like that, and that a lot of others are like that too. And while it didn't make me feel better exactly, it made me feel less alone.
i told my friend that Daddy says He doesn't love me. She said she doesn't believe it. From her lips to Gods ears. Sometimes i think He loves me, but then He says no, and i just have to live with it.
So are the rambling thoughts of a little subbie girl. Tomorrow, i will start writing about the party and the repercussions.
Jealousy. i have a real problem with this. i'm not sure why, but i get jealous very easily, too easily Daddy would say. It is not all without cause, well He thinks it is. Daddy wants to play with others, OK, i can deal with this, depending on who it is. And it's OK, when He is playing with random submissives, at parties, where we pretty much know everyone. But Daddy wants to take this further. He wants to find one or two submissives that He can play with on a regular basis, and He would be thrilled if sex could be part of the arrangement. Now, He says He doesn't want to bring these submissives to live in our house ( although He does want to bring them to play in our house), He doesn't want to collar them ( at least not a formal collar, although He is not totally against giving them a training collar or collar of protection), He just wants to be able to play with them. Mentally, i know this. i know that i am the one He comes home to, i am the one who sleeps in His bed, i am the one who serves Him, and i am the one He collared. My mind knows this, my heart is another story.
Daddy knew when He got me He was getting a mass of insecurities. i never hid from Him the fact that i was insecure. So, when He talks about getting another submissive to play with, and have sex with, while He is thinking He just likes variety, i am thinking, He wants someone else, i am not good enough for Him. Daddy says sex for most men is purely a physical thing, that it is merely a release. Well, that may be, but for me, it is much, much more than that. It means two people have a connection, a bond, and if He shares that bond with others, that really hurts.
Which leads me to the other thing in my head. Love. What part does love play in a D/s, M/s, or other BDSM relationship? If you had a choice between love, caring, or commitment, which would you choose? i've discussed before Daddy's aversion to love and marriage. We have been arguing about it a lot lately. i know that i love Him. He says there is no such thing as love, He does believe in love, and He cares for me. He asks me, "you know i care about you, right?" So, i asked Him, what do you mean by "care about me"? He said He was commited to me, that He had choosen to collar me. i was enraged. i said "comitted, you can be commited to something you don't even care for. i said i feel like your great grandmother that you made a 'commitment' to take care of!" He couldn't understand how i felt.
Daddy said if we are together 15-20 years, then He will marry me. He said He has been married twice before, and both times His wives left Him. i have told Him, i'm not them, i won't leave Him, and He is punishing me because of them. He says He knows, but that is just the way He feels. He expects me to trust Him, that He has commited to me for life with this collar, and i do trust that, but He refuses to trust me. i told Him this was kind of skewed logic, that i am expected to give Him the trust that He refuses to give to me.
So, even though i love Him, i have started to put up a little wall around part of my heart, trying to protect it from the hurt of hearing Him say to myself and others i don't love you. He tells other people He doesn't love me. People probably think i'm an idiot for sticking around with a man who says He can never love me. But i love Him. i just have to protect at least part of my heart from being crushed.
We had talked about handfasting. He told me it was up to me. i wasn't sure, because i thought the love should be there on both our parts if we were going to do that. So, i told Him, it was up to Him. He said He didn't need a handfasting, because the collar He put around my neck, means more to Him than any wedding band ever could, My collar means the world to me, but i could use some love to go with it.
We went to a BDSM house party last night, where i ended up in quite a bit of trouble. i will try to write about that tomorrow, but while Daddy was playing someone else and i was feeling sorry for myself, and trying not to cry, because the person He was playing is a very dear friend of mine and i didn't want her feeling bad, another friend came up to talk to me. She said i was awfully quiet, and i tried to lie and say i was fine, but then the tears started. i said i have to be ok, for so and so, she is my friend and i don't want her to know i am upset. My friend had actually asked me if i was ok with Daddy playing with her, because if i wasn't she wouldn't let Him play her. i told her it was fine, and i guess in some ways it really wasn't. My other friend told me she knew exactly how i felt, that she feels the same way, and so do half of the submissives at any party. She said this lifestyle doesn't lend itself well to monogamy. She said most Doms, even if they have the youngest, the prettiest, or the best submissive in the world want more. She told me that her husband, who was also her Dom, sleeps with other woman several nights per week, with her sleeping, or trying to sleep in the next room. i was shocked. i didn't know that her husband/Dom was like that, and that a lot of others are like that too. And while it didn't make me feel better exactly, it made me feel less alone.
i told my friend that Daddy says He doesn't love me. She said she doesn't believe it. From her lips to Gods ears. Sometimes i think He loves me, but then He says no, and i just have to live with it.
So are the rambling thoughts of a little subbie girl. Tomorrow, i will start writing about the party and the repercussions.
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