This and That

i have a lot on my mind today, but nothing that is feels like a clear concise thought. So, i think i'll just blog about the things that are on my mind. Then you'll all get a feel for what Daddy lives with. My mind works in such a weird way, that we can be sitting quietly doing nothing, or be engaged in some activity, when out of my mouth will come a thought or question that is so off the wall that He'll just look at me in astonishment. It's a fact that if a thought pops in my brain, inevitably, it's going to come out my mouth. i guess i'm just wired that way. Don't say i didn't warn you.

Jealousy. i have a real problem with this. i'm not sure why, but i get jealous very easily, too easily Daddy would say. It is not all without cause, well He thinks it is. Daddy wants to play with others, OK, i can deal with this, depending on who it is. And it's OK, when He is playing with random submissives, at parties, where we pretty much know everyone. But Daddy wants to take this further. He wants to find one or two submissives that He can play with on a regular basis, and He would be thrilled if sex could be part of the arrangement. Now, He says He doesn't want to bring these submissives to live in our house ( although He does want to bring them to play in our house), He doesn't want to collar them ( at least not a formal collar, although He is not totally against giving them a training collar or collar of protection), He just wants to be able to play with them. Mentally, i know this. i know that i am the one He comes home to, i am the one who sleeps in His bed, i am the one who serves Him, and i am the one He collared. My mind knows this, my heart is another story.

Daddy knew when He got me He was getting a mass of insecurities. i never hid from Him the fact that i was insecure. So, when He talks about getting another submissive to play with, and have sex with, while He is thinking He just likes variety, i am thinking, He wants someone else, i am not good enough for Him. Daddy says sex for most men is purely a physical thing, that it is merely a release. Well, that may be, but for me, it is much, much more than that. It means two people have a connection, a bond, and if He shares that bond with others, that really hurts.

Which leads me to the other thing in my head. Love. What part does love play in a D/s, M/s, or other BDSM relationship? If you had a choice between love, caring, or commitment, which would you choose? i've discussed before Daddy's aversion to love and marriage. We have been arguing about it a lot lately. i know that i love Him. He says there is no such thing as love, He does believe in love, and He cares for me. He asks me, "you know i care about you, right?" So, i asked Him, what do you mean by "care about me"? He said He was commited to me, that He had choosen to collar me. i was enraged. i said "comitted, you can be commited to something you don't even care for. i said i feel like your great grandmother that you made a 'commitment' to take care of!" He couldn't understand how i felt.

Daddy said if we are together 15-20 years, then He will marry me. He said He has been married twice before, and both times His wives left Him. i have told Him, i'm not them, i won't leave Him, and He is punishing me because of them. He says He knows, but that is just the way He feels. He expects me to trust Him, that He has commited to me for life with this collar, and  i do trust that, but He refuses to trust me. i told Him this was kind of skewed logic, that i am expected to give Him the trust that He refuses to give to me.

So, even though i love Him, i have started to put up a little wall around part of my heart, trying to protect it from the hurt of hearing Him say to myself and others i don't love you. He tells other people He doesn't love me. People probably think i'm an idiot for sticking around with a man who says He can never love me. But i love Him. i just have to protect at least part of my heart from being crushed.

We had talked about handfasting. He told me it was up to me. i wasn't sure, because i thought the love should be there on both our parts if we were going to do that. So, i told Him, it was up to Him. He said He didn't need a handfasting, because the collar He put around my neck, means more to Him than any wedding band ever could, My collar means the world to me, but i could use some love to go with it.

We went to a BDSM house party last night, where i ended up in quite a bit of trouble. i will try to write about that tomorrow, but while Daddy was playing someone else and i was feeling sorry for myself, and trying not to cry, because the person He was playing is a very dear friend of mine and i didn't want her feeling bad, another friend came up to talk to me. She said i was awfully quiet, and i tried to lie and say i was fine, but then the tears started. i said i have to be ok, for so and so, she is my friend and i don't want her to know i am upset. My friend had actually asked me if i was ok with Daddy playing with her, because if i wasn't she wouldn't let Him play her. i told her it was fine, and i guess in some ways it really wasn't. My other friend told me she knew exactly how i felt, that she feels the same way, and so do half of the submissives at any party. She said this lifestyle doesn't lend itself well to monogamy. She said most Doms, even if they have the youngest, the prettiest, or the best submissive in the world want more. She told me that her husband, who was also her Dom, sleeps with other woman several nights per week, with her sleeping, or trying to sleep in the next room. i was shocked. i didn't know that her husband/Dom was like that, and that a lot of others are like that too. And while it didn't make me feel better exactly, it made me feel less alone.

i told my friend that Daddy says He doesn't love me. She said she doesn't believe it. From her lips to Gods ears. Sometimes i think He loves me, but then He says no, and i just have to live with it.

So are the rambling thoughts of a little subbie girl. Tomorrow, i will start writing about the party and the repercussions.