i'm not sure what's wrong with me. i wanted to blog all weekend long, i even had ideas i wanted to blog about, but as hard and often as i tried, i was unable to get my thoughts out clearly. Even this isn't coming out quite the way i intended.
Daddy and i were talking about Handfasting last night and for some reason, even though He didn't say anything to me that He hasn't said before, i got really upset. We have never discussed Handfasting before, it simply came up because we were looking at websites of Rennassaince Costumes and they had a section with Handfasting cloaks.
Daddy doesn't want to get married. Ever. He has been married twice before and doesn't want to get married again. He never hid this fact from me. So, even though i would like to be married to Him, i knew from the start that this is the way it is. Last night Daddy asked me if i wanted to be Handfasted, and at first i thought yes, i really do, but then He said He would be willing to Handfast with if it would make me feel better about the fact that He wants to find others to play with. What?!? There are times He wants to do some things that i'm not crazy about, or that i plain don't like. i know this, and i usually don't have a problem with Him playing with others who play harder or just different than i do. He has mentioned that He would like to find someone or a couple of someones to play with occassionally and that at times He would like to bring it to a sexual level. Does this make me happy? No. Will i accept it? That is a little more complicated. Of course if He decides to do this, i have no choice, but i would like for it to be someone i at least like, and i would like to be there.
When Daddy talks about wanting to find others to play with, it hurts me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough, that i am not making Him happy. Sometimes i feel like if He finds someone He thinks is better than i am, that He'll want to replace me.He tells me that is silly, that He is comitted to me, He collared me, and i am the one He wants. i do have some problems with insecurity and jealousy, i always have, and Daddy knew this when we got together. He tells me i have no reason to be jealous about anyone else, but when the other submissive is prettier, thinner, or younger i feel inferior.
The other part of this is that Daddy doesn't love me. He says He doesn't believe that love exists, and that He "cares about me". He not only tells me regularly that He doen't love me, He tells other people that. That hurts me more than i can express, especially since i love Him more than i have ever loved anyone.
So, last night when we talked about Handfasting all of this came bubbling up to the surface and i got upset. Even though i would like to be handfasted to Daddy, i don't think that making me more comfortable about Him being with others is a very good reason to do it, especially if He doesn't love me. Daddy says part of the reason He doesn't want to get married again is that He doesn't want to be hurt again. His second wife lied to Him and asked for a divorce after 14 years of marriage. i told Him i am not His ex-wives and while He says He knows that, He is still making me pay for their sins. i feel like the fact that He thinks if He marries me i will hurt Him shows that He doesn't trust me. That hurts too.
Last night i told Him all this, and asked what "cares for" means. He said it is commitment, but what does that mean? He says He wants me, that He collared me, and He doesn't take that lightly. He says He is willing to Handfast with me if that is what i want, what i need to feel that our commitment is stronger.
There are times i feel like He loves me. There were even a couple of times He has said it, although they were long ago, and now He denies ever saying it. He takes very good care of me. When i was sick and in the hospital He slept by my bedside despite His back pain. On Valentine's Day He took me out of town and spoiled me. He was there for me at my Grandfather's Funeral. He built a computer to give my nephews for Christmas.
He said i need to let Him know in a week if i want to be handfasted to Him. Do i? i don't know. i still don't know if the reason He is even considering it is a good enough reason, and i'm not sure if it is something He really wants.
i know that this post probably makes little to no sense. i feel like i have been rambling on aimlessly.
Your post makes sense, but I just don't know what handfasting is.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of it, we are all guilty of making the world pay for the sins of our ex-everythings, and we don't even realize we're doing it. if someone has baggage, they are going to announce it to the world by how they act toward other people whether they know it or not. it's just something that we all need to deal with and recover from in our own way and in our own time. it is a trust issue, but not necessarily one directly concerned with you. it's hard to take yourself out of that equation when everything he does is directed at you.
i wouldn't be happy about introducing new playmates either. especially if he wants to get involved sexually with them (with or without me.) and if there's multiple women and just one man, you know there's going to be jealousy and competition. men do it for their egos. it's hard not to compare yourself to another girl your significant other is paying so much attention to. we focus on everything they are that we aren't... even though the other girl would do the same thing with you if the tables were turned!
all of this of course is made much worse because he's announcing to the world that he doesn't love you. that's just completely asinine, whether or not he gives you a perfectly logical reason why (men think logic solves eeeeeeverything but it usually ends up being a cover up for them being ass holes!)
it sounds like he has a lot going on in his mind at the moment. if he's afraid of commitment and he's getting more and more seriously committed to you, then of course he's going to be fighting some demons.
i hope some of this makes you feel a little better. relationships can take you to the highest highs and sink you down to the lowest lows. it's a pain in the ass, but you're not alone.
*hugs*
-Summer
Summer-Handfasting is an old Celtic/Pagan custom in which two people make the statement that they are married. There is usally a ceremony and an officiant of some type, but not a priest of course. In Renaissance Times, in certain places all two people had to do was declare in front of witnesses their intention to be married and they were considered married. There is more to it, but those are the basics.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your reply. It made me feel somewhat better just to blog about it, and it helps to know there are other people out there going through similiar struggles. For now, all i can do is keep going, because i truly do love Him, whether He loves me or not. As far as the Handfasting goes, much as i would like it, i'm not sure it is the right way to go.
***hugs***
Summer,
ReplyDeleteThis is cinderelli's Daddy. First I think there neees to be a few points of correction. First I am no longer christian I am Pagan, of the Celtic Druidic following. Second, Through past experiences, Baggage as you call it, I have come to the conclusion that "love" is a word that carrys little if any meaning. How many times have you received a gaudy gift that you say you love only to put it away never to be seen again. Love has become an empty and hollow words through the years as proven by the divorce rate. As for emotion and logic, it is my opinion that a decision based in emotion is much more likely to cause pain and suffering then a decision that is based in logic. A hypothetical example. You are driving down a busy multilane road and a dog run right in front of you. the emotional decision don't hit the dog so you swerve and miss the dog but cause a multi car accident. Now the dog is safe, however you your car and more importantly other people and their vehicles have to live with the emotional decision made. The logical Decision, brake safely the dog may or may not be be hit, there may or may not be slight damage to one vehicle and most likely there would be no injuries.
Now to tie it together, By making the logical decision I would have to live with the fact that a dog may have died, but if I reacted emotionally the dog may still have died but I would havve negatively impacted unkown numbers of others. the pain from an emotional decsion tends to hurt much deeper then one based on facts and logic.
It is my belief that the commitment from formally collaring cindi in front of true friends in the lifestyle is a much deeper commitment then saying vows to a deity that I don't believe in. Also that my actions in the relationship carry far more weight then the words promised any deity. Most vows include " to love and in honor in sickness and in health till death do you part" Both of my EX's are still alive and kicking and they broke the vows. Marriage is but a piece of paper inacted by the state and local governments for legal rights of both parties. Commitment is the actions taken by two people towards each other to show caring and desire.
Logic does not neccesarily solve everything but it is a good starting point. Logically I should not have married either ex wife but it was an emotional decision to do so. Do I regret it, sometimes, but I do not regret my daughter or sons that came from those marriages. Will I allow an emotional decision to overide a logical one now, that is highly unlikely.
While I can understand cindi's emotions and the meaning of marriage to her and the fact that I am sure she believes in and does love me. What she does not understand is the deepness of the committment that was made when I formally collared her. She is mine, I own her, and deeply care for her. When needed I am her advocate when she is ill and I hold those taking care of here highly accountable for their actions When I talk people listen, they can see in my face the concern that I have for her.
Love is an over used and abused word. It's meaning has been diluted so much since the true and pure love of Romeo and Juliet in my opinion that to say it carries no weight anymore. So I do not, but that does not deminish in any way the commitment that I hold for cindi.