Untitled.....Because i Don't Know What to Call It.

i'm feeling really churned up today. Warning, this post will probably be kind of whiny, but that's how i feel right now.

Thanksgiving was nice, we had friends over and of course our housemate and her mother were here also, so there were six of us altogether. We cooked for two days, and despite the fact that i tried to clean as we went along, and did i have no idea how many loads of dishes, we still ended up with a huge mess that i think i have finally gotten completely cleaned up. i think i am starting to feel slightly resentful. i don't have a problem with cleaning up after and serving Daddy, but lately i am starting to feel like i am serving two Doms. i knew that this might be a problem when we first decided to have her move in with us. i am not saying that she never helps, because she does, but she does as much as she wishes, and then makes comments to me about "finishing up the dishes" or "getting the kitchen cleaned up". These comments upset  me. After i finished the last of the dishes this morning, she and Daddy had lunch and when i went into the kitchen, the sink was again full of dishes. And this is not the first time. Bad as it probably sounds, i am the only one in this household working at the moment, and yet i am still expected to do the bulk of the housework. There are days when the two of them will make something for them to eat......usually it is something i don't like or want, but they leave the mess for me to clean up. Is that right? Oh well.

Another thing that i am dealing with right now is harder to describe. i do, or let Daddy do things that i am not crazy about because they make Him happy. i know as a submissive that it is not all about me, it is supposed to be about Him, and it pleases me to make Daddy happy, but it seems like the more i give sexually, the less i get in the same arena. i've mentioned before that Daddy likes to do cutting. i am not thrilled about being cut, but i decided a while back to let Him cut me. There were two reasons for this, 1. It pleases Him and 2. He has informend me in no uncertain terms that if i don't let Him do the things He likes He will find others who will. He is not saying He will replace me, just that He will seek out others to play with that like the same things He does, but it is my choice to try and do the things that Daddy likes. So lately Daddy has been pushing the anal sex thing. This is something i absolutely hate. It is painful and does not excite me in the least. i will not cum from anal sex. He used to only do this now and then, but He has recently informed me that we will be doing this every time we have sex. And we have been. i am almost to the point where i can tolerate it without too much begging and crying, but knowing it is coming usually makes the rest of the sex less enjoyable, because i am preoccupied knowing what's next and it also feels like the vaginal sex is just kind of perfunctory, like if He gives me something i like that makes up for doing this thing i hate.

Last night Daddy was making a joke about women and oral sex, and i said something like, i wouldn't know, i hardly ever get it. This is true. Even though Daddy expects oral sex from me every time we have sex, i rarely receive oral sex even though i love it. So, i thought i had made my point, from what He said i thought okay cool, tonight. i took a shower and stayed up as late as i could, hoping He would be ready for bed soon. Finally i said i'm going to bed, hoping He would follow. Nope, nada, nothing. He came to bed a couple of hours later, but didn't even try. i felt completely blown off. So today has been pretty tense. i am sure He knows why i am upset, but He is basically ignoring me. i guess that as a submissive i am not supposed to have wants, needs, or expectations.

i love Daddy and i am sure that i will be back to myself soon. Maybe it is just the holidays, for some reason on Thanksgiving i was kind of weepy about not seeing my family, even though it has been about 3-4 years since i spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my family. Maybe it is the stress from work, last week we found out they were laying off 600+ employees with more lay offs to come after the first of the year. Maybe it is the loss of privacy with having someone else in our home. i don't know. i guess only time will tell.

Requesting What You Need

i don't usually ask for spankings. That's not to say i fight them, not all the time anyway lol, but i usually don't initiate them. There are reasons for this, the biggest one being, i don't like to ask Daddy to spank me, i would rather He spank me because it is His idea. Another reason is that asking for a spanking seems too much like topping from the bottom. Also, i am really not a masochist or a pain slut. Some pain excites me, Daddy teases me because while i am yelling owe, i am getting soaking wet, but i don't usually ask for pain. This morning was different.

Work has been almost unbearably stressful for the past several weeks, and will probably get worse as we near the end of the year. As a result, i have been really moody and on edge lately. So, this morning Daddy and i were fooling around and when we got done He got up to go to the bathroom. When He came back into the bedroom, He found me on the floor and asked me what i was doing. i told Him i was looking for His belt. He asked me why, and i told Him i wanted Him to spank me with it. He seemed surprised, but was willing to give me what i needed.

He went and found a belt and had me lay on the bed. He let me choose the number of strokes i received and chicken that i am i chose a low number. Then He started, and well, He wasn't gentle. But afterward, i felt GREAT! It was just what i needed. It helped to center and ground me.

i know there are other submissives who enjoy "stress relief" spankings, and i have had this same reaction in the past the few other times i have been able to bring myself to request a spanking. i guess i need to start asking for what i need more often. Daddy is not a mind reader after all, though He often seems to know exactly what i need, i just feel shy about voicing these needs and also feel that it is not a very submissive thing to do.

So, what do you think? Is this topping from the bottom? Submissives, do any of you crave a spanking when you feel out of control? If so, do you ask your Master to give you what you need? And Dominants, do You think it is OK for Your submissive to request a spanking if she needs it, and will You give it to her if she does?

Well, i'm off to bed now. It has been a long day, and the next two are going to be even longer.

Punishment

Punishment can be a touchy subject for people in the lifestyle.There are some submissives, especially those who are new to BDSM who don't understand punishment. They feel they are adults and don't believe they should be punished like a child. There are Dominants that just don't like to punish, and then there is the argument about what form the punishment should take.

Punishment can take many forms, it can be physical such as spanking, or flogging, it can involve the withdrawal of privileges such as computer time, it can involve writing lines,or essays,or standing in the corner, some Doms even punish by denying their subissive their company, which i believe has got to be one of the harshest punishments any submissive can have to go through.

There are some people who say you can't punish a submissive who enjoys pain physically. i don't agree. For me when Daddy punishes me with spanking, which i will admit i like, it just feels different. i think it has to do with the fact that i know that i have disappointed or upset Daddy. That fact makes me feel bad before the punishment even starts. Daddy usually informs me that i will be receiving a punishment in advance, but He never says just when it will happen. This gives me time to think about what i have done to deserve this punishment, but it also gives me time to fret about it, which i think is actually part of the punishment.

The first time Daddy punished me i had a lot of mixed emotions. i knew ahead of time that i was going to be punished and i was dreading it. i was still new to the whole pain thing, so i was pretty nervous about that, and besides that i really didn't know what to expect. But, once it was over i felt this huge sense of relief. Not only did i feel relieved of the guilt caused by doing something wrong, but i realized that Daddy cared enough about me to punish me when i did something wrong, and that was the end of it. i also realized that He wasn't going to give up on me just because i had made a mistake. i don't enjoy punishment, but sometimes i need the relief it provides me with.

Some people say the worst punishment you can inflict upon a masochist is not giving them the pain the crave. Maybe that's true. i am not a true masochist. i like mild pain, but if it gets any heavier, that's not for me. Daddy has a couple of toys that He uses just for punishment.These are toys that He uses sparingly if it all when we play because they don't excite me. The worst one is they Dragon's Tail. i hate it. If Daddy uses that on me during play it takes me right out of my headspace. For this reason Daddy feels it is the perfect punishment tool.

As i have said, i think the worst punishment a Dominant can bestow upon their submissive has got to be denying the sub of their company. Most submissives feel bad enough when they know they have upset their Dom, being denied His/Her company has to make that just so much worse.

i don't think most submissives enjoy punishment, whatever form it takes, but i think used properly, in a caring M/s D/s relationship, it can be a good tool. It can prevent small misunderstandings from becoming big problems. It can free the submissive from their feelings of guilt, and it can help the Dominant express their displeasure in a non-abusive, but concrete way.     

The Long Week is Almost Over

i can't wait!!! Daddy will be home some time tomorrow. Hooray! When He left last Saturday i didn't think i could handle being without Him for a week, but i made it through. i missed Him so much, but keeping busy helped.

Last Sunday i kept telling myself, you have stuff to do, get up, get dressed, go out and do it. But, i didn't. i couldn't. So, our new housemate made it easy for me. She told me to go get dressed, we were going out. And She wasn't taking no for an answer, i told you She was a Domme. So, we went out and did all my errands, and there was one day gone. i am so grateful to Her. She helped keep me busy at times when i might have just sat there doing nothing. She told me today that i handled Daddy being gone far better than She thought i would, i told Her that She deserved some of the credit for that.

So, now i'm off to bed, because i have to work in the morning, and we have a Halloween Party tomorrow night. It's going to be a long day, but i can't wait.

Missing Daddy

Daddy just left on His trip to see His kids for their birthdays. He is going to be gone for a week, and i don't think i am going to survive. i know i probably sound like a spoiled brat, but we have never been apart like this before. Usually i go with Daddy when He goes to visit His family and friends, but this time i couldn't get off of work. So, i am stuck here for a week without Him. i actually cried when He left. i know He didn't leave me forever, it just seems like it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make the time pass a little faster?

Orgasm Control

i was reading through some blogs yesterday, and came across one about orgasm control and cumming on command. i was trying to find it tonight so i could cross reference it here, but i was unable to find it. It was a very well written piece, with a lot of scientific data, but what it didn't have was any anecdotal information. My views on the subject differ from the person who posted the blog i am talking about, and i have anecdotal examples from my life to share.

As i said, the blog in question was very well written, it discussed two main subjects, 1. The use of orgasm denial by Dominants, and 2. The ability of some female submissives to cum on command.  The blogger discussed the fact that orgasm denial is a practice used by many D/s couples. The blogger and many people who commented on the blog had very negative feelings towards orgasm denial. Well, Daddy uses orgasm denial with me to some extent, and while i am not crazy about it, i do think it has it's purpose when used correctly.

Daddy told me on our first night together that i had to ask permission to cum. Well, that first night i did cum, and i didn't ask permission and i was punished (not harshly) but in my defense Daddy was the first person who ever truly made me cum. So, now i know when i am going to have an orgasm, and i ask permission. This requires me to be more aware of my body and my body's reaction to different kinds of stimulus, pain, pleasure, or pain becoming pleasure. For the record, He usually allows me to cum when i ask, although sometimes He will make me hold on, and will build my orgasms higher than the already are. My orgasms are usually better for having waited. There have been times when as a form of control, Daddy has denied me an orgasm. This is very difficult for me, and can become painful. Sometimes during this process, i will become stubborn and will myself not to feel anything. This takes every bit of concentration i have and can often be difficult if not impossible to maintain, especially if Daddy continues the stimulus. But, denials are rare, and they help me to remember that my body is not in control, Daddy is.

The second topic discussed in the blog i am talking about is cumming on command. This blogger, and again many of those who commented think that cumming on command is something that isn't real, and that those Dominants who believe they can teach their submissives to cum on command are dead wrong. Well, i don't have any scientific facts to provide, and i sure that not everyone who tries can do this. i would even imagine there are submissives who "fake" their orgasms to please their Doms. But i can assure you that cumming on command is something that is real, and there are submissives, like me, who can be taught to do it.

For me, i think part of the reason i am able to cum on command goes back to Daddy's control of my orgasms and the fact that i am more aware of my body and its reaction to different kinds of stimulus. When Daddy first started teaching me to cum on command, He would do something to me while i was cumming, like stroke my arm or my forehead lightly with His fingers. Therefore, my body assosciated these sensations with orgasming. So, when we were driving in the car or sitting at a restaurant and Daddy would lightly stroke my arm and say cum, my body would respond, as it had been conditioned to respond. This didn't happen all at once of course, it took time, but after a while, i found that the sensations were same and i would orgasm. After a while, all i needed was the word. Daddy can say "cum" anytime, anywhere and my body responds. My body is not in control in those situations, Daddy is.

i think another reason that Daddy was able to train me to cum on command is that i am very receptive to His energy. i have discussed this in a previous post, Daddy can transfer His energy to me. For those who don't believe this, trust me, it was a long time before i allowed myself to belive it and it was happening to MY body. Daddy can hold His hand above my body, never even touching me and i can feel the enrgy entering my body from His. i kept saying at first that it was all in my mind, that i saw His hand, but i soon discovered i could feel these same sensations when i didn't know He was doing it. Now i can be concentrating very intently on something and yet i know when He enters a room even though He doesn't make a sound.

There are those that know us that treat my ability to cum on command as a parlor trick, "Oh Sir make her cum, please make her cum..." and i am sure there are others who don't believe it is real, even if they don't say anything, but it's true. Daddy taught me to cum on command, and i truly think His ability to do so was, at least in part, related to Him taking control of my orgasms from the very begining of our relationship.

Improper Behavior, or Overbearing Dom

Well, they discharged Daddy from the hospital today. This does not mean they did anything to make Him better, far from it. It just means that the doctors who we trusted to help Him all bailed, and the thing that upsets me the most about this is that we were never told this could happen. Daddy has waited so long for this surgery, it was scheduled once before and canceled due to His lab work. At that time He was instructed to go see His PCP and get cleared. He did that. He went and had lab work last week, it was abnormal (normal for Him), they were aware of all of this and still they had us come in the night before, required Him to get poked and prodded, had Him receive blood products, and then 30 minutes prior to His scheduled surgery they pulled the rug out from under us and said it was canceled. But, they would do it later in the week they said, they just wanted Him to be seen by some other doctors. They would do it Thursday night. Then today at 3:00 PM, the rug was pulled out from under us again, and we are told, no the doctor is not going to do the surgery at all. Nice, huh? And the doctor wasn't even the one to come tell us, he sent his assistant. However, that was the good thing that happened today, she found a doctor, and friend of hers who does this type of surgery on high risk patients. He is willing to take Daddy on, we still have hope.

Something happened last night that really bothered me and has been weighing on me ever since. A couple we are friends with came to visit us at the hospital last night. This couple is lifestyle, and we spend quite a bit of time with them. We were all sitting around talking, and i asked my friend to do something for me that i was unable to do from the hospital, Daddy interupted me, said something about a way i could do this from the hospital, i looked at Him, and listened to Him, maybe even nodded my head at Him, then resumed the conversation i was having with my friend. At this point, her Dom said something to Daddy about me ignoring Him or not answering Him or something, i guess He thought i was being disrespectful. i was shocked. First of all i did not ignore, nor disrespect Daddy. i acknowledged Daddy, even though i had been talking, and then resumed my conversation. Second of all, Daddy didn't see my actions as disrespectful. This Dom went on and on about how i had ignored Him and how He has the same trouble with my friend and so He knew what Daddy was going through, etc, etc. So, i did something i normally would not do, i started to defend myself. i don't do this with Daddy because i know He doesn't like it, but i felt this "attack" was uncalled for. i said i didn't ignore Him, that i had listened to what He said, but that i had been in the middle of a conversation, and He said, "What kind of a relationship do you think you're in?'" i was very close to tears.

So, i got very quiet, and just concentrated on watching TV. The other Dom said something about me now being all mopey, again comparing my behavior with my friend's behavior. My friend started to think she was in trouble, and she asked if she had done something wrong or if she was in trouble, and He told her that she exhibits the same behavior a lot of the time. She also became quiet, and He said to Daddy "look, now I've made them both mopey."

i should say, that i have never had this type of problem with this particular Dom before, but i am aware that He often compares my friend's behavior with mine, when they are alone, with my behavior being better. i wish He wouldn't do that, but she has told me He does. i was just really surprised that not only did He try to dictate my behavior, but that He did it even though Daddy obviously did not have a problem with it.

So, i ask you. What do you think? What do other submissives think i should have done? Dominants, do you think He was out of line, or am i over reacting? Should i have defended myself, or just said yes Sir, to the other Dom and modified my behavior accordingly? i find i am questioning myself over this, even today. i know my friend was embarrassed over what He said to me, but of course she could not say anything.

Well, it has been a long, long couple of days, and i have to work tomorrow, so i think i will stop for the night. Here's hoping that everyone has a good night and a great day tomorrow.

Life........

Life is so up in the air right now, i am not sure if i am coming or going. i know it has been a while since i last posted, but i honestly can't say why. i have wanted to blog, many days, i have even settled down to do so a couple of times, but things keep happening to get me off track.

Right now i am sitting in the hospital with Daddy. He hurt His back a few months ago, and He was supposed to have surgery today. He didn't. His lab work is such that if they did do surgery, it would be very dangerous. He was supposed to go to surgery at 8:30 am, and we didn't find out until almost 8:00 that it wasn't going to happen. We are both very upset and disappointed. There are doctors currently trying to get Him to the point where He can tolerate the surgery, but it is still going to be risky, and we have been told He could end up pararlyzed.

It has been a stressful day for both of us, with a lot of tears. At one point i had to leave the room for a while, because i was starting to fall apart, and He didn't need to deal with that on top of everything else. i am trying to be strong for Him. i told Him no matter what He decides, and whatever happens, i will stand by Him. If He ends up paralyzed, i will stay with Him, and i will care for Him. i love Him that much.

In other news, we are going to have a friend of ours moving in with us for a while. She recently lost her job, and her current relationship ended. She was going to be out of work and without a place to live. We have offered to let her stay with us for a while to gie her time to get back on her feet. i am sure this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship. For one thing, we won't be able to walk around naked anymore, lol. But on a more serious level, we will need to keep any "discussions" private. We will have to go to our room when we need to talk instead of just cuddling on the couch, or facing off across the living room. She is lifestyle, so any strange noises she hears won't be cause for speculation on her part. On the other hand, she is a Domme, and having two Dominant personalities in the house may be a bit rough on the this little sub.

Our relationship has been in a really good place lately. Daddy did a cutting on my arm last Sunday, and went over it again yesterday. It looks really great. It is the Kanji Symbol for submissive. As soon as He can Daddy has promised to post a picture of it here. i let Daddy do the cutting on me because i know it pleases Him, but He allowed me to chose the design and the sight. The reason He went over the cutting is because we want to make it permanent. This is going to require some explaining on my part when we see my family. It is at least partly visible when i wear short sleeves. i chose this symbol, because i am not ashamed of who or what i am. Daddy chose me to be His submissive and i am proud to belong to Him.

i have to say, the second time He did the cutting hurt SO much more than the first time. It hurt the first time, don't get me wrong, but He had lightly played me before starting, so that helped. About three minutes after He finished i orgasmed.....hugely. The second time He did it, we didn't have time to play first, and it was very painful. i was gripping the pillow and biting it to keep from yelling too loudly. i did fly, and afterward i had a huge release, i was sobbing, and shaking, this is not unusual for me, i usually cry when i fly. The first time this happened, i "came to" and there were tears streaming down my face. By this time i am used to this, so it is not such a surprise. What does/did surprise me is that after all that pain, i was still able to orgasm. i still don't understand sometimes how things that i find extemely painful, not the kind of pain i usually prefer, (i am not a painslut) can make me cum. Daddy will say, well if it hurt so much why did you cum, and my only answer is i don't know. i really don't. Daddy would like to do a cutting on me at a party, but i told Him when i agreed to let Him cut me that we would have to do them in private. i am not yet ready to do this type of scene in public, but Daddy has asked me to start preparing myself to do a cutting at a party, so i am working on that.

We went to a party last Friday night. We didn't play, but Daddy did offer. It was a differnt group of people from most of the parties we go to, and i wasn't really comfortable. Daddy did help a couple of others beat one sub, and i watched. Over all we had a good time. i was a good and attentive sub, paying attention to where Daddy was at all times, and making sure i got Him anything He needed. He told me later that i was a good girl, no other words could have pleased me more.

That's about it from here. Daddy has been given pain medicine and a sleeping pill so He is resting quietly right now. i need to try and get some sleep, i fear that tomorrow is going to be another emotionally charged day.

The Party

i said i would write about the party from Saturday night. We belong to two groups that have monthly parties, and we also go to occassional small parties, but we have not been to many parties recently, so we were both really looking forward to this party. We were out most of the day Saturday, so we rushed home, made our dish, got ready for the party and we were on our way.

After driving for about an hour, we got to the party. i was pretty quiet on the drive, and really had been for several days. As i said i have started walling up part of my heart to avoid being hurt, and that has made me different. i have been a little more withdrawn, and i have been avoiding make the spontaneous loving gestures i often make, like grabbing Daddy's hand or suddenly kissing Him.

So, we got to the party, went in, paid , and gave our kisses and cuddles to everyone we knew. We knew a lot of people, so soon we were chatting with friends, and i wasn't as attentive to Daddy as i should have been. And He wasn't really paying any attention to me either. He had agreed to play one of our friends at the party, and they were busy planning this, and He was taking pictures with a few of the girls. i was feeling more than a little left out.

Well, i knew i wasn't being a very good submissive, so i went to find Him and be at His side. He was outside so i went out there. He was busy talking to others, and not to me, except to order me to get Him a diet coke. i did, and then  i sat there. Then He went in the house, and through the window i watched Him talking to, hugging, and laughing with all the others. i started feeling more and more jealous as well as left out. i was hurt and angry and sometimes when i feel that way, well i do things i know i shouldn't. That's what i did Saturday. When Daddy came back outside, i turned my back to Him and continued talking with the person next to me. Then when He played our friend, i didn't go to watch and i didn't make myself available to help Him and to clean up after the scene. i was mad that He hadn't offered to play me, and i was showing it.

All the while i was acting in this passive/agressive way, i knew better. i knew what i was doing was wrong and that i was probably going to be in trouble, but i couldn't stop myself. A couple of my friends asked me what was wrong, saying i was awfully quiet and not myself. i said i was fine, but one of my friends wasn't buying it. She was the one who told me about her husband sleeping with others. She told me she knew how i felt.

On the way home, i was sure Daddy was going to yell at me, but He didn't. He acted like everything was normal. i wondered if He either hadn't noticed my behavior, or if He understood how i was feeling and had decided to let it go. When we got home, i sat up with Him for a while, and then i went off to bed. Daddy sat up, and a few hours later He came to bed. That was when i found out that He had noticed my behavior and He wasn't letting it go.........but that is a story for tomorrow.

This and That

i have a lot on my mind today, but nothing that is feels like a clear concise thought. So, i think i'll just blog about the things that are on my mind. Then you'll all get a feel for what Daddy lives with. My mind works in such a weird way, that we can be sitting quietly doing nothing, or be engaged in some activity, when out of my mouth will come a thought or question that is so off the wall that He'll just look at me in astonishment. It's a fact that if a thought pops in my brain, inevitably, it's going to come out my mouth. i guess i'm just wired that way. Don't say i didn't warn you.

Jealousy. i have a real problem with this. i'm not sure why, but i get jealous very easily, too easily Daddy would say. It is not all without cause, well He thinks it is. Daddy wants to play with others, OK, i can deal with this, depending on who it is. And it's OK, when He is playing with random submissives, at parties, where we pretty much know everyone. But Daddy wants to take this further. He wants to find one or two submissives that He can play with on a regular basis, and He would be thrilled if sex could be part of the arrangement. Now, He says He doesn't want to bring these submissives to live in our house ( although He does want to bring them to play in our house), He doesn't want to collar them ( at least not a formal collar, although He is not totally against giving them a training collar or collar of protection), He just wants to be able to play with them. Mentally, i know this. i know that i am the one He comes home to, i am the one who sleeps in His bed, i am the one who serves Him, and i am the one He collared. My mind knows this, my heart is another story.

Daddy knew when He got me He was getting a mass of insecurities. i never hid from Him the fact that i was insecure. So, when He talks about getting another submissive to play with, and have sex with, while He is thinking He just likes variety, i am thinking, He wants someone else, i am not good enough for Him. Daddy says sex for most men is purely a physical thing, that it is merely a release. Well, that may be, but for me, it is much, much more than that. It means two people have a connection, a bond, and if He shares that bond with others, that really hurts.

Which leads me to the other thing in my head. Love. What part does love play in a D/s, M/s, or other BDSM relationship? If you had a choice between love, caring, or commitment, which would you choose? i've discussed before Daddy's aversion to love and marriage. We have been arguing about it a lot lately. i know that i love Him. He says there is no such thing as love, He does believe in love, and He cares for me. He asks me, "you know i care about you, right?" So, i asked Him, what do you mean by "care about me"? He said He was commited to me, that He had choosen to collar me. i was enraged. i said "comitted, you can be commited to something you don't even care for. i said i feel like your great grandmother that you made a 'commitment' to take care of!" He couldn't understand how i felt.

Daddy said if we are together 15-20 years, then He will marry me. He said He has been married twice before, and both times His wives left Him. i have told Him, i'm not them, i won't leave Him, and He is punishing me because of them. He says He knows, but that is just the way He feels. He expects me to trust Him, that He has commited to me for life with this collar, and  i do trust that, but He refuses to trust me. i told Him this was kind of skewed logic, that i am expected to give Him the trust that He refuses to give to me.

So, even though i love Him, i have started to put up a little wall around part of my heart, trying to protect it from the hurt of hearing Him say to myself and others i don't love you. He tells other people He doesn't love me. People probably think i'm an idiot for sticking around with a man who says He can never love me. But i love Him. i just have to protect at least part of my heart from being crushed.

We had talked about handfasting. He told me it was up to me. i wasn't sure, because i thought the love should be there on both our parts if we were going to do that. So, i told Him, it was up to Him. He said He didn't need a handfasting, because the collar He put around my neck, means more to Him than any wedding band ever could, My collar means the world to me, but i could use some love to go with it.

We went to a BDSM house party last night, where i ended up in quite a bit of trouble. i will try to write about that tomorrow, but while Daddy was playing someone else and i was feeling sorry for myself, and trying not to cry, because the person He was playing is a very dear friend of mine and i didn't want her feeling bad, another friend came up to talk to me. She said i was awfully quiet, and i tried to lie and say i was fine, but then the tears started. i said i have to be ok, for so and so, she is my friend and i don't want her to know i am upset. My friend had actually asked me if i was ok with Daddy playing with her, because if i wasn't she wouldn't let Him play her. i told her it was fine, and i guess in some ways it really wasn't. My other friend told me she knew exactly how i felt, that she feels the same way, and so do half of the submissives at any party. She said this lifestyle doesn't lend itself well to monogamy. She said most Doms, even if they have the youngest, the prettiest, or the best submissive in the world want more. She told me that her husband, who was also her Dom, sleeps with other woman several nights per week, with her sleeping, or trying to sleep in the next room. i was shocked. i didn't know that her husband/Dom was like that, and that a lot of others are like that too. And while it didn't make me feel better exactly, it made me feel less alone.

i told my friend that Daddy says He doesn't love me. She said she doesn't believe it. From her lips to Gods ears. Sometimes i think He loves me, but then He says no, and i just have to live with it.

So are the rambling thoughts of a little subbie girl. Tomorrow, i will start writing about the party and the repercussions.

Age Play......For The Young at Heart

i have been thinking about this post for some time. i'm hoping that it doesn't offend or upset anyone, but i know that this is a touchy or hot button item with many people in the lifestyle. What is written here are merely my thoughts and opinions.

Background: A couple of weeks ago on one of the lifestyle websites i belong to, someone outed to the community at large a man who was a convicted sex offender. He showed up at a local party, and when it was discovered who he was, he was quietly asked to leave. He did leave, but some of those who were aware of what happened, felt that the community needed to be warned about this man, it was against his parole for him to be at a gathering of this type, and if he was found to be there everyone in attendance could be affected. So, he was outed on several of the sites groups and this caused a lot of controversy and the warnings were removed after the site received some complaints.

Now, i am not sure how i feel about this. On the one hand, i hate to see anyone outed, if that happened to me, it would be the end of my career, but on the other hand, this man has been convicted of being a sexual predator, not only a sexual predator but a pedophile. He was putting a lot of people at risk, and had no intention of telling people who he was, or staying away from parties.

Now, while this controversy was going on, and members were battling back and forth over what was right, and what was wrong, another member wrote a blog about what had happened and was rude to one of the young girls (over 18, but still young) who defended this man. Then this member started talking about ageplay, and how the whole Daddy/babygirl dynamic sickens and disgusts him. This blog and the the derogatory statements made by this man upset not only me, but many other members of the community.

He stated that he would never play with a girl who identified as a little, ok fine. He said that the thought is sickening to him, again ok, but not very tolerant of other people's kink. The part that upset me and many others was when he said that people who participate in ageplay are supporting pedophilia, and that men in the lifestyle who played Daddy/daughter or Daddy/babygirl often preyed on young, barely legal, girls in the scene to play out their pedophile tendencies.

Daddy and i, as you may have figured, are into ageplay. While i don't always identify as a little, i am an adult with adult responsibilities after all, i do frequently identify, especially during play as an eight year old girl. i know that some people think this is sick or wrong, but it works for us. Daddy and i both love children, i have worked with children through church for many years, we would never, ever think of hurting a child in this way. That is morally wrong, as well as illegal. We enjoy playing together in this way. We even belong to an ageplay group that has meetings, activities, and outings for littles along with their Daddy, Mommy, or other Big.

At these meetings we color, watch cartoons, blow bubbles, and act mischevious. But, we are all adults. Many littles donn't engage in any sexual activity when they are in their little persona. Daddy and i do. We enjoy this. Daddy had a previous submissive who liked to ageplay a naughty teenager. She would get in "trouble" in this persona, Daddy would punish her, and they would engage in sexual activities. Now, this girl had been sexually abused by her stepfather as a teenager, yet she enjoyed the ageplay dynamic as an adult. Some would probably say she was dealing with what happened to her as a teenager in this way, and if she was so be it.

The point is, ageplay works for us, and for many other people in the lifestyle, and while it may not work for some, it is something we truly enjoy. Why is it that some people in this lifestyle are so very intolerant? Don't we as a group get enough of this intolerance from the vanilla world? If you don't like my thing, that's fine. It doesn't make either one of us a bad person, we can just agree to disagree. One of the posts i read in response to this man's blog was, if you don't like what you are seeing, walk away and go get a cookie. i think that is a great idea.

"True" Submission

A lot of talk has been happening here lately about safe words, limits, and "true" submission. Everyone has their own opinions on this subject, and i want to talk about mine. i have discussed safe words and limits before, but i just want to express my opinion.

There was a post i read earlier that said any person who has limits or uses a safe word is not truly submissive. That, in essence they are playing at being submissive or they are controlling the relationship, instead of the Dom who should be controlling it. i respectfully disagree. First of all, nothing makes me crazier than the 'my submission is better than your's' game. Everyone defines their relationship differently, and just because one submissive does things one way and another does things another way, does not make one better, truer, or more submissive than the other.

Daddy and i don't use safe words, anymore. We did in the begining. It was important and in Daddy's opinion necessary in the begining. For one thing i was brand new to the scene. Neither one of us knew what i could handle. Daddy didn't want to accidently go too far and have me afraid to say something. He wasn't sure what body language i would exhibit if and when things got too intense. Now He knows me. He knows how far He can push me, and He knows what to watch for as far as my reactions if He is going too far.

These safe words were used only during play and they were not abused. They were never used to simply get out of doing something i didn't want to do. They were used if and when they were needed, if something was becoming too much for me or if somehing was wrong like my hands were going numb. Sometimes i would fight against using my safe words even when i really needed to. i wanted to be a perfect submissive who could take as much as any other submissive. Daddy cured me of that, He pushed me, and pushed me, and pushed me, until i called red.

When Daddy allows someone else to play me, however, He insists on safe words and i am thankful for that. Another Top does not know me like Daddy does, and i need to be able to stop things if they go to far. Daddy also will not allow someone else to play me if He has never seen them play, and if He has seen them play, but is uncomfortable with how they play, He will not allow them to play me. These are some of the ways He takes care of me.

As far as limits go, yes, i have limits. i don't have as many limits as i did in the begining, but yes i do have limits. There are certain things i simply will not do or have done to me. Does this make me not submissive? i don't think so. It means i am not a mindless robot, it doesn't mean i am not submissive. There are other things that i am not fond of, but that Daddy likes to do, that i do to please Him. That is part of what makes me a submissive, my desire to make Daddy happy. Daddy accepts my hard limits, and pushes my soft limits and over time some things that were hard limits have become things that either i really enjoy, like knife play, or things i accept like cutting. Some of my other limits remain limits and will always remain limits. Some of these things like scat, and beastiality luckliy are things that Daddy has no interest in.

So, i used to use safe words and i still have limits. Does this make me not a true submissive? Does this make me just some player waanabe, who has romantic ideas of what submission is? No. NO! i am submissive because i have a desire to please my Master. i am submissive because i have given myself freely to Him. He considers me His property and that makes me happy. Yes, i do believe that there are submissives out there who have romantic ideas about submission. Submission is hard sometimes. It is serving when you are dead tired at the end of a long day. It is responding yes Sir to a command when you are feeling upset or just having a bad day. And at times it does mean doing something that you don't exactly enjoy because it will make Him happy. i do all this, because i am with my Master, my Sir, my One, my Owner, my Daddy. He makes me whole, and i gladly belong to Him.

i have also read things about on-line submissives being less submissive than those of us who have the privelege of living the lifestyle real time. Who are we to judge. Those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to be near the one who owns us on a daily or at least regular basis. How hard must it be that the only contact these submissives have with their Masters is a phone call or e-mail message. Those submissives who live a long distance or on-line relationship with their Masters and do it truthfully, obediently, and submissively deserve respect from the rest of us.

No one can define true submission. It has as many definitions as it has people living it whether 24/7, part time, on-line, or any other way they live it.

Not Sure What's the Matter with Me

i'm not sure what's wrong with me. i wanted to blog all weekend long, i even had ideas i wanted to blog about, but as hard and often as i tried, i was unable to get my thoughts out clearly. Even this isn't coming out quite the way i intended.

Daddy and i were talking about Handfasting last night and for some reason, even though He didn't say anything to me that He hasn't said before, i got really upset. We have never discussed Handfasting before, it simply came up because we were looking at websites of Rennassaince Costumes and they had a section with Handfasting cloaks.

Daddy doesn't want to get married. Ever. He has been married twice before and doesn't want to get married again. He never hid this fact from me. So, even though i would like to be married to Him, i knew from the start that this is the way it is. Last night Daddy asked me if i wanted to be Handfasted, and at first i thought yes, i really do, but then He said He would be willing to Handfast with if it would make me feel better about the fact that He wants to find others to play with. What?!? There are times He wants to do some things that i'm not crazy about, or that i plain don't like. i know this, and i usually don't have a problem with Him playing with others who play harder or just different than i do. He has mentioned that He would like to find someone or a couple of someones to play with occassionally and that at times He would like to bring it to a sexual level. Does this make me happy? No. Will i accept it? That is a little more complicated. Of course if He decides to do this, i have no choice, but i would like for it to be someone i at least like, and i would like to be there.

When Daddy talks about wanting to find others to play with, it hurts me. It makes me feel like i am not good enough, that i am not making Him happy. Sometimes i feel like if He finds someone He thinks is better than i am, that He'll want to replace me.He tells me that is silly, that He is comitted to me, He collared me, and i am the one He wants. i do have some problems with insecurity and jealousy, i always have, and Daddy knew this when we got together. He tells me i have no reason to be jealous about anyone else, but when the other submissive is prettier, thinner, or younger i feel inferior.

The other part of this is that Daddy doesn't love me. He says He doesn't believe that love exists, and that He "cares about me". He not only tells me regularly that He doen't love me, He tells other people that. That hurts me more than i can express, especially since i love Him more than i have ever loved anyone.

So, last night when we talked about Handfasting all of this came bubbling up to the surface and i got upset. Even though i would like to be handfasted to Daddy, i don't think that making me more comfortable about Him being with others is a very good reason to do it, especially if He doesn't love me. Daddy says part of the reason He doesn't want to get married again is that He doesn't want to be hurt again. His second wife lied to Him and asked for a divorce after 14 years of marriage. i told Him i am not His ex-wives and while He says He knows that, He is still making me pay for their sins. i feel like the fact that He thinks if He marries me i will hurt Him shows that He doesn't trust me. That hurts too.

Last night i told Him all this, and asked what "cares for" means. He said it is commitment, but what does that mean? He says He wants me, that He collared me, and He doesn't take that lightly. He says He is willing to Handfast with me if that is what i want, what i need to feel that our commitment is stronger.

There are times i feel like He loves me. There were even a couple of times He has said it, although they were long ago, and now He denies ever saying it. He takes very good care of me. When i was sick and in the hospital He slept by my bedside despite His back pain. On Valentine's Day He took me out of town and spoiled me. He was there for me at my Grandfather's Funeral. He built a computer to give my nephews for Christmas.

He said i need to let Him know in a week if i want to be handfasted to Him. Do i? i don't know. i still don't know if the reason He is even considering it is a good enough reason, and i'm not sure if it is something He really wants.

i know that this post probably makes little to no sense. i feel like i have been rambling on aimlessly.   

My Collaring

May 31, 2008 was the happiest day of my life. It was the day that Daddy officially Collared me. Prior to that i was wearing a training collar that He had given me when we first got together. When He presented me with my training collar i was very pleased, but it was a very low key event, just the two of us. My official Collaring was a much more elaborate affair.

Of course i don't wear my Formal Collar at all times, that would be inappropriate for many occassions including work, church, and other non-lifestyle functions. For those occassions i have a silver chain with a medallion that has a wolf on one side and a Celtic Cross on the other that He bought me early on in our relationship. We consider this a collar most of the time. When we go to a party or other lifestyle event i always wear my formal collar, and sometimes when we are going out somewhere where no one knows us, i will wear my formal collar. i just like the way it looks.....and feels.

Daddy has also given me another mark of ownership that i can never take off. i have a tattoo on my upper left thigh. It is only visible when i am wearing shorts, a very short skirt, or nothing. i love this tattoo, although it hurt alot when it was done. The point of all this is, it doesn't matter what the item is, it marks His ownership of me. Very few people know that these are marks of ownership, but we do, that is what's important.

But back to my Collaring. Every couple brings there own personality to their Collaring Ceremony. Ours was no different. Daddy basically left most of the planning up to me, which was fine, that was actually what i wanted. We decided that we did not want an officiant. Daddy decided that He would speak at the ceremony. We also decided that we wanted other people involved in our ceremony. Some of those people would be in the actual ceremony, and others would be invited to the ceremony. Several of the girls who were in the ceremony helped me with the planning, i did a lot of research on different styles of ceremonies. There is one Ceremony called The Ceremony of The Roses that is absolutely beautiful.

Some couples do their Collaring privately, not wishing to share it with anyone else, some couples will have a small gathering, and some do it casually at a party. We did our Collaring in front of a large group of people. We asked a friend of ours whose has parties at her home if we could borrow her house for our ceremony. We invited friends who we had met at parties and other lifestyle events. Some of our closest friends were in the ceremony, with our best friends, who happen to be a couple standing with us. A male submissive friend of ours escorted me in and presented me to Daddy. i was wearing a short white dress that we made specifically for this occassion. Daddy removed my training collar, and asked me if i wished to submit to Him. When i had answered His questions He placed the Formal Collar around my neck. Tears were running down my face. It was the best day of my life.

My friends did not let me do any of the work the day of, or the day after my Collaring. All the cooking and cleaning and setting up they did. They told me it was my day and i was to just enjoy it. They also helped me dress and one of them curled my hair. i had a manicure, a pedicure, and even had my eyebrows waxed for the first time, ever. i felt like a princess.

And yet, as wonderful as it all was, as pampered as i felt, the underlying meaning of this step was not lost on me. The fact that He cared enough about me to collar me was overwhelming. This Collar means so much to me. It means as much to me as a wedding ring. It is a symbol of ownership, and commitment. It means i am in this for the long haul. i did not accept this collar lightly, and i think He knows that.

There was a discussion on one of the boards i belong to recently on "The Velcro Collar Syndrome", couples making this commitment within days of getting together, only to have it end a few weeks later, instead of taking the time to be sure. Daddy and i waited almost two years before He formally collared me. It was not something we rushed into. i'm not saying that couples that enter into a relationship quickly are doomed to fail, after all even though we waited almost two years to do the formal collaring, we moved in together essentially after one date. i'm just saying that entering into a BDSM relationship is something that needs to be carefully thought out. You could possibly be putting your LIFE into the hands of someone else, don't you want to know you can trust them?

Being Collared means the world to me. We have our ups and downs, and some days i feel very frustrated, but when all is said and done, this is where i want to be. i belong to Him, completely.

Energy Exchange

From our first meeting, Daddy always made it clear that i was never to cum without His permission. There were times He made me beg, there were times He denied me, and there were times that i waited too long to ask, and came without permission (never a good thing), but the one thing i never, ever imagined after that first meeting was that one day, with a slight touch, or a single word my body would respond no matter where i was or what i was doing.

The first time this happened, we were out and about. Daddy has a habit of touching me while we are driving. He likes for me to wear a skirt without panties, of course, and on this particular day that is what i had on. i have always been very shy about these semi-public displays, but at the same time i get pretty excited. So, we had completed our last stop and we were on our way home, which living where we did at the time was a fairly long drive. Daddy had been touching and teasing me all day, and i was quickly becoming a puddle of goo. Then out of the blue, Daddy softly stroked His fingers up my arm and said "Cum"....miraculously i did.

At first i wasn't sure what had happened. It seemed impossible that i had just cum from having my arm stroked. Daddy says at the time He wasn't sure if what He did would work, but He knew i was fairly receptive to His energy, He just wasn't sure how receptive. From that time on He knew for sure.

Part of the reason Daddy felt i would be able to cum on command was because He had done some energy work with me prior to that. He would have me close my eyes, or would come up behind me when i was unaware, and when He held His hand 1/2 inch or so above my skin, i would react. Over and over again, i vowed that i didn't feel anything, but the truth was and is, when He does this i feel His energy flow through me.

From that day forward, anytime Daddy would lightly touch my arm and command "cum", i would. Then we started working with just the word, and to my surprise and shock, i was able to cum simply from the command.

Since that time, with much coaxing from Daddy, i have accepted and acknowledged that we do have the connection. i don't know why the thought of feeling His energy frightened me so much. Every time He would do something having to do with energy exchange i would tell Him i didn't "really" feel it, or it was all in my mind. Then came the day when He made it all "so real" to me.

Some of the details of this day are a little unclear to me. i was really upset about something, i believe i was arguing with my mom, which always puts me in a bad place. It was night time, and i was upset and crying. Daddy layed me down on the bed and told me to close my eyes. As i layed there, i felt His hands, not touching me, but passing over me. His hands pased over me again, and again, and slowly i felt all the tension ease from my body. i felt my body go limp as the last of my energy passed from my body into His hands and i fell into a restful sleep.

It never fails to amaze me when Daddy is able to say the word cum and i respond. There have been times when He has called me at work and said that one word and my body has responded. At those times i am glad that there are cubicle walls between my co-workers and i, and i have learned to be very, very quiet.

There are people who do not believe us when Daddy or i tell them i am able to cum on command. And other people want to "watch", like i am some freak in a circus side show. In the long run however, all that really matters is that Daddy and i  know that the connection is there. What others think and feel  makes no difference.

Let The Games Begin

Last night was really a lot of fun. Daddy decided He wanted to play, and we did two of my very favorite activities, Fire Play and Wax Play.  : D.

We don't often get a chance to play during the week, but we had missed a chance to go to a small party Saturday night, because i was running a fever and Daddy said we couldn't go. So, by last night, we both really wanted to play, and i was asking Daddy some questions about Fire Flogging (something we have never done.)

i absolutely love Fire Play, and was so excited when Daddy put together His own Fire Play set. If you've never experienced Fire Play, it can sound kind of scary, but it is such a rush. If done correctly, it does not hurt, you just feel this warmth rushing over your skin. Daddy has two fire wands, and He uses Wintergreen Alcohol which smells so good. During Fire Play, alcohol is rubbed over part of the body with one wand, (they have tips made with gauze) and the second wand is dipped in the alcohol and lit on fire. That fire is then touched to the alcohol, which burns off almost immediately. If the fire doesn't go out right away the person who is controlling the fire will run their hand over the area, and that will put the fire out. One time i had Fire Play done where the Top used Flash Cotton. It was very intense. Daddy was not the one playing me that time, but He was right there as He always is if someone else is playing me, and He said as soon as the Flash Cotton went off i started to giggle like crazy. It was really cool. Flash Cotton is something magicians use. When lit, it flashes brightly and then goes out. The time i had it used on me, the Top started at my ankle, and ran a piece of the cotton all the way up and over and around my left breast. When He lit it, starting at my ankle, it burned almost all at once. i can't quite describe the way it feels.

After Daddy was finished with the Fire Play, He decided to do Wax Play, but not in a way we had ever done it before. Usually He lights a white taper candle and drips the hot wax onto my body. Last night He melted some of the big, colored religious candles, and after the wax was melted, He poured it into His hands, and smeared it all over my chest in layers. It was hot in places, but it felt really good. When He had several layers on my chest and it had completely hardened, He used His large curved knife to peel the wax off my body. By the time He was done, i was flying. i guess i should have said that last night we did three of my favorite activities, because i also love knife play, lol.

Daddy and i are not what i would call "edge players". There are couples that play much harder, or more intensely than we do, but some of the activities we do, fall under the edge play category. Things like Fire Play and Knife Play. We also do cutting once in a while. Daddy likes this much more than i do, i let Him cut me because it gives Him pleasure. Daddy has tried Breath Play with me at times, but that is something i still struggle with. Each time i tell myself that i am going to relax, but as my air gets cut off i start to struggle. Daddy doesn't push me on this. i did try needle play once. It was OK, but it didn't really do anything for me. Daddy wasn't the one who did it, and i only had two needles put in. We will probably do that again in the future. Daddy also has a Medical Staple Gun. He has put a couple of staples in my arm before. Some people will have 6 or 8 staples placed in two straight lines, and will lace ribbons between them in a criss cross pattern. This looks really pretty. i even know one submissive that has had her pussy lips stapled together.

Another activity i really enjoy is cupping. There are two ways to do cupping. One is Mechanical Cupping, and one is Fire Cupping, that is the one i like, big surprise right, lol. Cupping is an activity where cups are attached to a person's back with suction. In Fire Cupping, this is done, by placing a small piece of leather on the back, placing a piece of cotton soaked in alcohol on top of that, and lighting it. While it is lit, a small cup (like a votive holder) is placed over the whole thing and this causes a suction effect. To get these cups off, the suction has to be broken. You end up with these awesome circular bruises on your back. Some people will pair cupping with sliding, where the cups are slid around on the back before the cups are removed, i have never tried this.

There are a lot of fun activities Daddy and i do together. We don't get to play as often as we would like some times, but when we do we both really enjoy it.

The Big Transition

Transitioning from a relationship of being play partners, or a Dom with a collared submissive where they don't live together, to a living situation where the couple does live together can be difficult. Prior to living together, most if not all of this couple's interactions have play. Now, they have things like bills to be paid, meals to be cooked, and house work to be done. Sounds like a drag, doesn't it?

For Daddy and i, the trasition wasn't quite as shocking as all that. We didn't have the previous play relationship. We met on-line and after one night together, decided we wanted to live together. While, i don't recommend that others do this, i've said in the past that on our first meeting i did everything wrong, it did prevent us from having preconceived ideas of what our life would be like when we lived together.

Daddy and i had a friend that we used to play with at times before we moved to where we live now. This submissive got into a relationship with, and was collared by a Dom that lived three hours away. They got together about every other weekend, and everything they did was fun or play. After one of their weekends together, she would call me and tell me about all the fun things they did. i will admit, at times i would feel jealous of her. Here i was living the lifestyle day to day, and it wasn't all fun. We would play sometimes, and we went to one or two parties a month, but we also had the mundane chores of everyday life that had to be done. We had to go to work, and pay our bills, and maintain our home. i remained submissive to Daddy, and followed the rules He expected me to live by, but it wasn't the same as all this fun she was always having.

When my friend and her Dom started talking about living together, she spoke to me. i explained to her that real life would not be like what they were doing on their weekends together.  And, while she listened to me, i am not sure she totally understood what i was saying or even really believed me.

Then she moved in with Him, and the things i had said started to be true. All of the sudden instead of playing she was busy making a meal, cleaning the house, or going to work. Other things were different, too. Up until that point, she had been pretty much free to come and go as she pleased. She was collared, but she was still in charge of her own life. Now, she had to answer for where she went and what she did. Even the money she earned was not her's to spend as she pleased. Before she bought anything she was required to ask for permission. Suddenly, she realized that everything i had told her was true.

Now, there may be D/s couples out there that disagree with me, but in my experience and IMHO, i believe that the transition can be difficult. This does not mean that it is impossible or that you should not try. It just means that it is important that you be aware of the possible difficulties you may face.

The Toy Bag

For Daddy's birthday i bought Him a new Toy Bag. It's a really nice one, red, with wheels and an adjustable handle. Now, i know some people are wondering what i am talking about, and others are wondering why a grown man would want or need something called a toy bag. The thing is, this bag doesn't hold your typical toys.
The toy bag i'm discussing holds all the different things that Daddy uses on me and the occassional other submissive to cause pain/pleasure and other sensations. i like some of these toys, dislike others, and have a few that i have yet to try due to my personal limits. There are a few toys i really fear, and one that Daddy has agreed to use only for punishment.
The toy bag has a variety of pockets, which is nice because different types of items can be kept together. The big pocket is where we keep the floggers, paddles, boot horns, and miscellanous items suitable for striking someone. Daddy has several floggers. They are different sizes and weights, and each has a different feel. Floggers are one of my favorite things to be hit with. They can be used in such different ways. From feeling like a massage to feeling like your skin is being set on fire. We have several items purchased from tack shops and Tractor Supply Company. We also have things purchased from Walmart and Home Depot. This is something to remember. You don't always have to go to places that specialize in BDSM toys to purchase them. From the tack shop we have a riding crop, two different kinds of horse grooming items, and a recent aquisition a dressage whip. I like the crop and the grooming items, but the dressage whip, yikes, that hurts. From Walmart we have purchased wooden spoons, spatulas, and boot horns. From Home Depot we have purchased wooden dowels, and what Daddy thinks are some of the greatest freebies he can find, paint sticks. Remember the little paint sticks your Mama had when you were a kid? Yeah, well we have a few of those, but we also have a couple that are longer and 2-3x as thick.
The main pocket also holds some of my most feared items. There are the paddles, we have two paddles that have one smooth side and one side that looks like a meat tenderizer. Upon first examination you would think the meat tenderizer side would hurt more, right? Wrong the smooth side hurs much worse. One of these paddles is rectangular in shape about 12 inches by 6 inches. The other is smaller and round. The smaller one hurts more than the larger one. We have a tawse, if you don't know what a tawse is, consider yourself lucky. It is made of heavy black leather, split into two. Daddy's previous submissive had chosen that to be her punishment only item. My punishment only item is the Dragon Tail. It is made of suede, which you would think would be nice, it's not. It wraps and cause welts and bruises and quite honestly hurts like Hell. When He first got it, Daddy tried playing me with it. He would use other things and i would be close to flying, one or two strikes with the Dragon Tail, and the mood was gone. The pain it caused was just that, pain. It didn't become something that started to feel good. When Daddy gave me the choice, that is what i chose to be my punishment only item.
One of the side pockets holds insertables; vibrators, dildoes, and butt plugs. We have a beautiful glass dildo. It's nice and smooth, but it's very cold when it is first inserted. We also have a remote control egg that He likes to put in before we go shopping. He keeps the remote in His pocket, and when i least expect it, He flips it on. We also keep condoms in this pocket. These serve several purposes, from allowing others to borrow our insertables, to having them available if a couple hook up at a party and neither one has condom. Daddy likes to be prepared.
Another pocket holds clamps; nipple clamps, refrigerator note clamps, and clothes pins. Currently Daddy does not use these on me because my nipples are very sensitive, and i can't handle them. We have a set of clover leaf camps that just look wicked. We have lots of clothes pins, and a few other clamps. Like i said, nipple clamps are not something that Daddy uses on me. They are one of the few limits i still have. Recently i have started asking Daddy to pinch my nipples, so perhaps at some point i will be interested in trying the clamps, but not yet.
So, that is our toy bag. Not everything in it was purchased at a specialty store. Some of our favorite things were things that we purchased at stores where many people would not think to look.

Polyamory

Last night i logged into an Alternative Lifestyle site that i frequent and i noticed a new profile. It turned out that this profile was written by a friend of mine, who up until recently was in a 24/7 relationship with someone. They bought a home not long ago. i was surprised to see this and ended up contacting a mutual friend and asking her what was going on and how my friend was. When she told me that they had seperated, i felt really sad.
Everyone's relationship is different. Whether you live a D/s relationship, an M/s relationship or something else, your relationship is never exactly like another, even if the "title" is the same. what works for one relationship, definitely does not work for other relationships. And, sometimes you try something in a relationship that you think will work well for you and it so doesn't.
For my friend, the begining of the end was when her Dom decided that He wanted a poly relationship. my friend was willing to try this, and they found another submissive that they thought would be a nice fit with their relationship. It turns out she wasn't. Or maybe their relationship was not strong enough to handle a poly relationship, or just maybe, my friend was trying to do this to please her Dom and ended up hurting herself.
Polyamory is a touchy subject for many people. Some think it is just wrong. Some are intrigued by it, but have never tried it. It can be an occassional thing, or lived 24/7 like other aspects of the lifestyle. There are people that enjoy it and wouldn't want to live any other way, and there are some couples that think it will add spice to their relationship. Some submissives agree to it because it is what their Doms want.
Many submissives do this. Not only with poly relationships, but with any major change in their relationship that their Dom decides to make, they go along with it whether they want it or not. Some do it because they want to please their Dominant and some are not given any choice in the matter.
 A poly relationship, is not, in my opinion something that can taken lightly or started without a great deal of thought and discussion. Especially if the members of this relationship are all going to live together. Submissives in this situation fall into three groups. For the first group it is any easy transition, they are just adding another person to their already happy relationship. Those in the second group might be all for it in the begining, but they find out there is a lot of competition, or jealousy between the two submissives, or they find out that the person they bring into the relationship is someone they are not compatible with. The last group are the submissives that really don't want to be in a poly relationship. They may find out they enjoy this new aspect of their relationship, or it might turn out being something that is not good for their relationship, as in the case of my friend.
She is not the only friend i have who is or has been part of a poly relationship. i have one friend who has recently started a relationship with a Dom who made no secret about the fact that they would be poly. They do not live together and He has told her they are not boyfriend/girlfriend, they are D/s. A few weeks later He added a second girl. This girl already has a boyfriend that she lives with, and the Dom sees her merely as a sex toy. Now, He has added a third woman (i say woman instead of girl or submissive because she is not a submissive) to their relationship. This woman He considers His girlfriend. She is not in the lifestlye, but realizes He is and is okay with it. My friend says she is happy. she knew what she was getting into from the begining, and decided it was a relationship she wanted to enter into. While i make it a policy not to judge anyone or they way they live, i could never live that way. i would be very unhappy.
Another submissive i know, i don't consider her a friend, involved herself in a relationship with a couple who had been together for six years. This sub and the Dom went out of town together and she asked Him to marry her. They got married without consulting the other submissive who was under the impression that she and the Dom would one day get married. They wanted the other submissive to stay in the relationship, but she chose not to.
Polyamory is not for everyone. Some people really like it, some people have bad experiences and hate it, and some people are merely intrigued by it. Everyone it seems has an opinion about it.   

Night One of my New Life

The first night i spent with Daddy was to say the least "interesting", to say the most it was terrifying, exciting, and unreal, all at the same time.
When we got to our hotel room, i perched on the very end of an easy chair, and Daddy proceeded to bring out His toy bag and show me all the toys (implements) that He brought with Him. i was still trembling. He finally coaxed me over to sit on the bed with Him while He explained what each toy was for and how it felt. i was allowed to pick them up, swing them aroud, and even smell them if i wanted (i didn't).
We had dinner reservations for that evening, but since it was still early, and i was starting to relax a little bit, Daddy decided we should play for a while. We didn't do anything extreme, just some light play, getting me used to the toys and the way they felt. We also had sex, and that was where i made a small mistake. my first mistake, but certainly not my last. He told me i could not cum without asking for permission. This was not something i was used to, and suddenly the feelings overtook me and i came, without permission. He told me that was a cause for punishment, i was mortified, here it was our first meeting and i was so bad i already needed punishment. But, He was very kind. i got one swat from His little wooden paddle. It hurt, but it was not anything i couldn't deal with.
When we got up, it was time to get ready to go out for dinner. He had instructed me to bring a dress for dinner, which i did, and He had me wear it without panties. This was a first for me.
He asked me before we met what kind of food i liked. i told Him Italian, so He went on-line and found this tiny little hole in the wall Italian restaurant with the BEST food. We took the hotel shuttle over. He had even arranged for us to have a private room for the evening. Everything was perfect. We had a wonderful meal, that ended with flourless chocolate cake, it was awesome.
We called for the shuttle to come pick us up, i had developed a bit of a headache, so He had the driver stop at a gas station on the way back so He could get me some aspirin.
 We got back to the hotel and decided to sit in the hot tub. Unfortunately, the hot tub was a little cool. We swam a little bit, then went back to our room. We talked, and played some more. Later on we ordered room service. In the middle of the night Daddy got sick. He was running a fever, and throwing up. I took care of Him as best as i could (i'm a nurse). He later told me this was one way He knew it would work out between us, because most people if a person got sick on the first date would run.
The next morning we both had to go back home. Daddy was feeling better and He took me out for brunch. ( We ate a lot on this date, didn't we?) We had talked and decided that i would move in with Him. This was not a huge suprise to either of us, because we had discussed it before we ever met. It was decided that i would go home and look for a job. We figured it would take me about a month before i could move, which was fine, because He was scheduled to take a camping trip with friends, and to see His son. He was going to be gone for two weeks.
So, i drove home, already missing Him like crazy. i had a lot to think about, like finding a job, and breaking it to my Mom that i was moving out, but like i said, we figured she would have about a month to get used to the idea, and i would have time to pack my things. Sometimes the best laid plans don't quite work out the way you think they will.

A Huge Error in Judgement

Yesterday was a very hard day for me, although it didn't start out that way. Daddy and i went with another couple we know to a quaint little town not far from home for lunch and some shopping. We had a really good time, and Daddy bought me some very nice things. It was after we got home and our friends left that the day started to unravel.
Daddy and i were playing around, and then Daddy started to make me do something i really dislike, Daddy knows i dislike this, it will actually make me cry, but Daddy does deserve to get things from me at times whether i like them or not. This is part of being a good submissive and serving my Daddy. i want Him to be pleased with meed So, He was making me do this thing, and next He wants me to not ony say i liked it, but to actually beg for it. This is hard for me to do. i don't like to ask for things i don't really want, i feel like it is dishonest to do that, but Daddy likes to make me  ask for things i don't want from time to time. This is one way that He shows His control over me.
i asked Daddy to do this thing that i hate and He did. He asked me if i was getting excited, and i said yes, He asked me if i wanted to cum, and i said yes. He told me to cum, and asked me if i was cumming, and i said yes. The problem is, i lied. i was not excited, i did not feel like cumming, and i did not cum. i said these things simply because i wanted to please Daddy, even though He has told me that lying is the worst thing i can do. i wasn't really trying to lie, i was trying to please Him.
Daddy has told me in the past that there are things He likes to do, that i don't like and if i can't do these things for Him, He will need to find someone who will. This strikes terror in my heart. Daddy says if He finds someone He can play with, she will not replace me, that i will still be His submissive, the one He collared, the one He comes home to. But, i have a lot of trouble with insecurity. i think most other submissives are better than i am. i fear that if Daddy starts playing with someone else, it will just be a matter of time before He realizes how lacking i am, and how much He wants to replace me.
Later on we were sitting on the couch, i was reading and Daddy was working on the computer. Daddy has hooked a computer to our big screen TV, so He is able to sit on the couch an work on the computer. Daddy said when He was done He would take me to dinner. He finished up and we went out and had a nice dinner and talked. We talked about the things i don't like to do, and Him playing with others. i don't like to think of those things.
We got home and went to bed. Daddy wanted to read, but i was sleepy. We layed down, and started talking. Daddy asked me if i was really excited earlier and i shook my head no, then He asked if i came and again i shook my head no. He said, "Then you lied to me?" i said yes. He asked if i knew the punishment for lying, i thought i might know, but i wasn't sure and what i thought about made my blood run cold, so i said i wasn't sure. Daddy told me this was the one and only time i would get away with this, and that it could and next time would cost me my collar. By this time i was sobbing uncontrollably. He then told me to pick a nimber between 1 and 40. i chose 18. He said OK, you will get 18 strokes with the Dragontail (my most feared toy, and the one we use only for punishment) for lying. He also talked about possibly banishing me from our bed and from our room for 18 nights. He said i would be confined to my office, the hall bathroom, the kitchen and the spare room for 18 days. He would not even speak to me. i thank God He did not decide to do that. i can't handle being ignored, and denied His company.  He asked me why i lied and i tried to explain it, but He said there was no excuse for lying and that i know that. He's right. i do know that, He told me that from the begining
Neither one of us could sleep. i was crying and Daddy just couldn't sleep, so Daddy said we should get up and play cards. i played badly, i was unable to concentrate and kept crying. Daddy acted like everything was normal. Finally we went back to bed, and when i couldn't take it anymore i told Him i would rather He yell at me instead of acting polite and like nothing was wrong when i knew He was mad at me. He got up, but did not yell. He decided to punish me then and there instead of waiting a while as He had planned. He ended up using the Tawse (my second most feared toy) instead of the Dragontail, and made me count. He was not being gentle, and by the time we got to five i was crying and was sure i wouldn't make it to 18, but i did. Then He started to paddle me. i felt like i was dying, but as much as it hurt, (and believe me it hurt more that anything i have ever felt) when it was over i felt a little better because i had been punished for what i did. When i was able to stop crying, i asked Daddy if He would ever forgive me. He said i was already forgiven, but the trust between us was gone. That was like a knife in my heart. He said i will have to work very hard to get the trust back. He did, however, let me curl up to Him and go to sleep.
Today i have still been weepy. Daddy asks why. How do i explain that is a combination of knowing that He is mad at me and knowing that He does not trust me completely. i love Daddy so much, and i don't like to have Him mad at me. That to me is a punishment in itself knowing He is mad at me. i also can't stand it that He doesn't trust me. i am going to do everything i can to make this up to Him, and to earn back His trust, but i know it will take time.

Limitless Limits

One thing every submissive has to figure out before he/she can negotiate a scene is limits. When you are a new submissive it can be hard to know what your limits are. i know the first time i was asked what mine were i responded that i didn't know enough yet to have predetermined limits. As you play, you learn what you like and what you don't like. Any Dom that does not allow limits should be avoided.
Limits fall into two categories. There are soft limits and there are hard limits. Soft limits are things that may be negotiable. Things that maybe you don't like now, but think you may like in the future, or things that you fear, but that intrigue you and that you may be able to do at a later time. Hard limits are non-negotiable. They are things that are absolutely, without a doubt NO.
However, most Doms will push your limits. This is a good thing. It helps you grow. And sometimes a limit that you were sure was a hard limit will become a soft limit or not a limit at all.
Once i determined what my limits were, i had many. now, i have very few. There are also some things that i don't like that much, but that i do or have done to me because it pleases my Dom. One of these things is cutting. Now, i like knife play, play where a knife is glided along my body, and occassionally the sharp point is pressed lightly into my skin. But, cutting is different. It is just what it sounds like. Letters or designs are cut into my skin. These scar as they heal, and the marks are visible for some time. My Dom is very careful to cut me only in areas where they will not show.
While we are on the subject of limits, i think it is important to also discuss "safe words". Safe words are words that are used when play becomes too intense or when something is uncomfortable and play needs to stop, even if only temporarily. My Dom and i have two safe words, they are yellow and red. Yellow means that something is starting to get uncomfortable and needs to be eased up or a new implement needs to be used. Red means that whatever is happening has to stop RIGHT NOW! This doesn't necessarily mean that all play needs to stop, it may mean that, or it may mean that whatever is going on has stop, but that play can continue.
You should never be afraid or too proud to use your safe words. i used to have that problem. i was too proud to use my safe words because i didn't want to disappoint my Dom or look like a light player (this was especially true at parties). My Dom kept tellling my how silly it was to feel that way, that was the reason He had given me the safe words in the first place. At times when He knew i was being stubborn He would "force" me to safe word by doing things He knew i wasn't ready for. As time has gone by, the need for safe words has become less and less. Part of the reason for that is because my Dom knows me and how much i can take. He can tell by my body language when i am close to my limit. Another reason is because i can take more now than i could in the begining.
Any Dom who doesn't allow you to have a safe word or who does not honor them when you use them is someone you should not play with. Safe words are a part of the SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) part of BDSM. Most people in the BDSM lifestyle play by this code. If someone doesn't play by this code, especially when you are just starting out, you may want to reconsider whether or not you want to play with them.  

Submitting in The Real World

Living a submissive lifestyle while existing in the real world cab be difficult. A lot of the things you do at home do not seem appropriate in a public setting. But, there are ways to live in the real world while maintaining your submission, it just takes some thought and comprimise.
Very few people outside of the lifestyle (especially my family) know that i live as a submissive, or that we live an alternative lifestyle. This information would be very difficult for my Mother to deal with, or understand. So, when we are with our families or any other vanilla (not lifestyle) group my Dom has given me permission to use His proper name instead of Sir or Daddy (we do a lot of age play). There are times when i still call Him Sir, even in Vanilla settings, it is that ingrained in my mind. Since we live in the south, it is usually not looked on too strangely, but the time i did it in front of my Mother, she looked at me like i was crazy.
My Dom does not let me open doors for myself when we go out. Again we live in the South, so it is not unusual to see a man opening a door for a lady. Some Doms may want their subs to open the door for them, but no matter who opens the door for whom, it really shouldn't raise too many eyebrows, often in the real world it is just whoever reaches the door first.
When we go out to a restaurant, my Dom generally orders for me, after deciding what i will have. This occassionally puzzles the waiter or waitress, but they usually take it in stride. If we are with our families, however, or anyone else who would find this odd, i will order for myself. i also do not take a bite of food or a sip of drink until He has. This has never been an issue, because most people don't even notice it.
When i am out alone, my Dom expects me to act as i would if He were with me. This means act like a lady, no swearing, and when i make decisions make the decision He would approve of. He often tells me that i have to be able to function in the real world without Him by my side, but with the rules He has provided. He does not want a sub he has to tell to breathe.
He allows me to alter my choice of clothing based on the situation. Normally i am required to go without a bra or panties, but if i am going to church or some other formal function He does allow me to wear these items.
While my Dom has been known to swat me on the behind in public, He is not obvious about it, and we refrain from that type of contact if we are somewhere where children are present or  where it would be otherwise inappropriate if it were witnessed.
Basically, being lifestyle in the real world just calls for common sense. Many things you do won't be noticed by most people if you don't draw attention to them. For things that are a little less mainstream, you just need to decide how to behave based on where you are. He would never swat me in church, at a formal affair, or anywhere that there are kids present; if we are somewhere else, He may swat me, but it will not be obvious. He will not bend me over or whip out a paddle. It will just be a quick swat that many people won't even see. So that is the key, don't draw undue attention to your actions and in most cases, you will be fine.

Do's and Don'ts for a first meeting.

OK, i have talked enough about my journey so far. Today i am going to talk about something a bit different. Things you should and should not do on a first meeting, and also some Red Flags to be aware of when talking to a Dom.

Before your first meeting:
1. Get as much information as you can, this may include: the person's full name, address, phone number, cell number, vehicle type and license plate number.
2. Make sure someone you trust has this information, and tell them where you are going to be.
3. Set-up a Safe Call. Someone who will notify the authorities if you don't call them when you say you will, or you can ask someone to call you about 20 minutes after you are supposed to meet someone, this will if necessary give you an out. You may want to implement both of these.
4. Don't meet with someone after only one or two conversations. Make sure you have e-mailed, IM'd and/or talked on the phone enough that you have some rapport and a level of trust set-up.
5. In the begining, DO NOT give out your phone number to someone. Ask them to let you call them, then block your phone number from showing up on their phone.

During you first meeting:
1. If at all possible, you should meet in a public place.
2. Don't be alone with this person until you are sure you can trust them and are in no danger.
3. It is usually not a good idea to "play"(play is the activities you do with someone, activities may or may not include sex, and may include flogging, spanking, paddling or other activities as negotiated by the parties involved.) on a first meeting.
4. Do negotiate your "play" if you plan to meet again.
5. Do make your Safe Call, do may sure the person you are with knows you will be making a Safe Call or calls if the evening is going to be long, and do use your friend calling as an out if things are not going well.
6. Do listen to your gut. If something seems wrong, it probably is.
7. Don't be pressured into going somewhere less public if you are not comfortable.

Red Flags
A red flag is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person. These can pop up at any time, but most often at the begining of a relationship. These may be obvious or subtle.

1. Inappropriate questions or comments during your initial conversation. Things like: What are you wearing? What do you look like? Do you want to play? or asking for your phone number immediately. These questions have nothing to do with D/s, but may indicate the person is looking for cyber, phone, or just kinky sex.
2. Moving to quickly. In a hurry to start a relationship, or moving more quickly than you are comfortable with. Trust needs to be developed and can't be rushed.
3. Inappropriate attitude. Bow down and worship me! Those who act as if every submissive must obey every so called Dom and begin giving orders from the word go.
4. Safety violations. Reluctance to give you a Safe Word (a word you can use to stop play at any time if you are uncomfortable or things become too intense. A good Dom will stop play immediately upon hearing this word and check to see what is wrong) or to have safety precautions in place.
5. Lack of communication. If the person is reluctant to discuss something pay attention. Or, if you are told you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone or go somewhere. (Do not let a Dom prevent you from seeing friends or family.)
6. A persistent bad reputation, or unwilling to provide you with references.
7. Frequent inconsistencies. Making contradictory statements. If a person has trouble remembering what they told you from one day to the next, it could be they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.
8. Refusal to give you a picture. This could be because they are married or in a relationship, or it could be because they are not what they say they are.

***Remember: Always trust your gut***

Note: My Dom has told me that i should mention why i always refer to myself with a lower case i. This is something that is frequently done in BDSM. Doms names are Capitalized. Also any pronouns used to describe them such as He, or Him are also Capitalized. submissives names on the other hand usually start with a lower case letter as do pronouns such as i. Some people will even go so far as using a Capital and lower case letter when referring to the couple together such as W/we or U/us. This is not wrong if it works for them, but i find that type of writing bogs me down and i do not do that.

The Journey Begins (continued)

So, there i was, in my car, driving toward our scheduled meeting place. To say i was nervous would be a huge understatement. i was terrified. As i drove along my thoughts were jumbled. i was excited to be at last meeting this man who so intrigued me, i was nervous about taking this huge step, and the Baptist part of my brain told me that nice girls do not go to motels to meet strange men, especially men who are into alternative lifestyles. And yet i drove on.
It was a long drive. i stopped once to get something to drink and go to the bathroom. i also wanted to check my hair, makeup and clothes to make sure i wasn't a bedraggled mess. Then i got back in the car to continue my drive. i was not used to driving so far, especially by myself, but it was going really well. i got into town and found the hotel without difficulty.
Now, i would like to stop right here and say i would never, ever tell anyone submissive, Dominant, or otherwise to go to a hotel with someone the first time they meet. i was very lucky. In another post i will discuss more fully what i did wrong, and what He did right at our first meeting.
When i arrived at the hotel, i went to the desk and asked if the man i was meeting had checked in yet. The man at the desk informed me that it was too early to check in and he didn't know if the man i was meeting was there yet. So, i sat in the lobby shaking, a bundle of nerves and waited. i wasn't sure how long i would have to wait, i was afraid that maybe He wasn't coming. i had read on-line that sometimes people will plan to meet and one of them changes their mind and doesn't show up.
As i sat there in the lobby waiting, suddenly i saw someone coming down the hall. i had seen His picture, so i was pretty sure it was Him, but i couldn't speak. Then He spoke to me, and it was Him. He suggested that since it was too early to check in that we go to the hotel restaurant and have lunch. i agreed.
We went in, sat down and the waitress took our order. It was a buffet, so we went up and got some food. i was still very nerous, so i kind of picked at my food. When i'm nervous one of two things happen, either i become very quiet, or i talk incessantly. On this occassion, although i don't remember it very well, i'm told i chattered like a magpie, lol. He tells me i gave Him my whole life story during that lunch.
By the time we had finished our lunch, it was time to check in. We went to the desk and got our key. Then we headed for our room. It was time to spend our first night together, but that is a story for another time.

The Journey Begins,

Every journey has a begining and mine is no different. i had been browsing some internet dating sites and had even been on a few dates with some nice men, but no one that i wanted to go on a second date with, let alone form a lasting relationship.
So, one day i was again browsing some sites and i ended up on a site i had never seen before. i looked around the site a little and to tell the truth at first i was appalled. It was an alternate lifestyle site. But, the more i looked and read, the more intrigued i became. i decided to post a profile on this site, all the time telling myself i would never come back....but of course i did.
i went back to this site several times a week. i read more and even looked up some stuff on the internet. i have to say, some of the things i read frightened me, but some of the things i read made sense. It spoke to me in a way that none of the other sites did.
So, i stopped being a passive participant. i started going in the chat rooms, and browsing profiles. i even expressed interest, what the site referred to as winking, in some of the men whose profiles interested me. Some of these men responded.  Some winked even winked back.We would e-mail and chat on IM. i learned more about "The Lifestyle". Some of these men i found were too intense for me, some were into things that i had no desire to even try, and some of course were fakes or players. Others i liked. Some of these men lived far away, and others were local. i even went out with one, but we just didn't click.
Then it happened. i found the profile of a man that i really liked. He lived quite a distance from me, but i had put in my profile that i was willing to relocate for the right person. i winked at Him. He responded and we started e-mailing one another. We had a lot of differences. The first one was rather obvious, i am Baptist and He is Pagan. He asked me if this would be a deal breaker for me. i told Him "No, as long as you don't try to change my religion." He promised that would never happen.
With that out of the way, we continued to talk, e-mails, instant messages, even an occassional phone call. We did this for 2-3 months. He had years of experience and i had none. He set about teaching me things i needed to know. He asked about my "limits" but i told him i didn't know enough yet to have limits. i was hooked. Every time i saw His name in my inbox i would get a little flutter of excitement in my stomach, if i knew He was going to call, i would just sit waiting for the phone to ring.
After about 3 months we decided we wanted to meet. He arranged for us to meet in a town that was about three hours away from both of us. He even arranged for a hotel room. It was really happening.
The day we were going to meet came. i got ready, made sure my mom who i was living with at the time had all the information about where i was going and who i would be with. i didn't tell her that the person i was meeting was into an alternative lifestyle, that was something i did not want her to know.
As i walked out to my car i wondered what i was getting myself into, i even toyed with the idea of backing out. But, then i reminded myself that this was what i wanted. i took a deep breath and got into my car.....
TO BE CONTINUED